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Izuku: Being a hero gives me joy and things to talk about with my kids, so one day when I get old, they’ll go “Yay, Grandpa Izuku!”

Bakugo:…They’re your own kids, why would they call you grandpa?

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Todoroki: Don’t you think it’s wrong to take advantage of Midoriya when he’s like this?

Bakugo: Look, I’m giving him shit to do since he can’t be on duty. And it’s not like he’s actually doing anything, the quirk made him as dumb as shit.

Izuku, comes in: Hey Kacchan, I knitted you a homemade coffee koozie.

Bakugo: This thing is made of paper and tape…Did you wash my car like I asked, nerd?

Izuku: No, but I hit it with a rock.

Todoroki:

Bakugo: Alright, thanks.

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Undercover in a Club

Izuku, drunk: WHOOOAAA! This is my jam!

Todoroki: He only had like two drinks.

Bakugo: His ass is such a lightweight. Ah! Icyhot, there’s our target, let’s go!

Todoroki: Shouldn’t we get Midoriya?

Extra, getting in Izuku’s face: Watch where you’re walking, bas-

Izuku: GET THE FU*K OUT OF MY WAY THEN, ASSHOLE!

Extra, backs away scared:

Todoroki: Damn.

Bakugo: Let him be. If he breaks some guy’s neck, it will be a great distraction.

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Next Morning

Izuku, waking up: Uggh, what happened?

Todoroki: You drank last night and became a meaner Bakugo.

Izuku: Ugghh, I’m sorry. Did we get our guy?

Todoroki: We did…and then when Bakugo and I were chasing him outside, you hammered him into the ground with our car.

Izuku:

Bakugo: And then we called an Uber home and you called the driver a cheaper-than-Temu bitch for not stopping for McDonald’s and gave him a one-star review.

Izuku, puts head in his hands: Oh no, that’s his livelihood.

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Everyone is hyped up for the beach episode, meanwhile, I’ve been thinking Pomni as Uraraka for like a month.

Bakugo: Nerd, you’ve never seen the show, Mad Men?

Izuku: No, I heard it was good though.

Bakugo: Heh, you wouldn’t handle it. They had an episode where a sorry bastard got chopped up by a lawnmower.

Izuku: Wow…Was that what made the man mad?

Bakugo:

Izuku:

Bakugo: You’re not allowed to talk to me for the rest of the day.

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Bakugo: Get your ass in gear, Deku! There’s a crisis at the Saga mall!

Izuku, tired:…But…It’s like such a nice day out.

Bakugo:

Izuku: No clouds at all, great temp, birds tweeting, guess none of that matters.

Bakuho: Yeah, usually doesn’t when criminals want to maim people and steal shit.

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Bakugo: Oi, did you bring coffee for the patrol?

Kaminari, handing over giant mug: Yeah, milk and sugar!

Bakugo: Tch, fine.

Bakugo, taking a sip: What the hell-is this just milk and sugar?

Kaminari: Yep.

Bakugo: Dunce-face, do you drink this everyday?

Kaminari: Yeah!

Bakugo:

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Flight Attendant!Bakugo

Izuku: Thank you for flying with us! If you’re traveling with children-

Bakugo: You ruined the whole flight.

People on the plane:

Izuku: A-And if you are changing flights with a different airline-

Bakugo: We don’t give a flying f**k.

People:

Bakugo: And the lack of laughter at the pun I just gave shows me you are a bunch of bland-ass extras. If you don’t like my jokes, there are six exits. Pick one and leap.

Izuku:

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Izuku, on live TV: If you’re looking for a good hotel, I stayed at this one place. It had everything: a giant pool, an everyday-all day buffet, night-time activities, a doorman that always high-fives children of divorce.

Audience:

TV Host:

Izuku:

TV Host: W-were you one of those kids, Hero Deku?

Izuku: No, but speaking of divorce, my husband and I are about to have one because he decided to mess with my teleprompter.

Bakugo, laughing his ass off offstage:

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Izuku: Hey Kacchan, can I-

Bakugo: Hold on a second, nerd!

Bakugo: And that’s why I contend that when Frost speaks of birch trees, he may be very well talking about himself-

Iida: No, Bakugo-kun, that’s not-

Bakugo: Four-eyes, do you want to hear my damn interpretation or are you just gonna spit bullshit about how I’m wrong?!

Iida: I’m simply pointing out-

Bakugo: Yes, we all know very damn-well that you’re well-read, but this is fu*king poetry where I think WHEN IT COMES TO POETRY YOU CAN’T BE WRONG! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, DEKU?!

Izuku, leaving: N-Nevermind, I’ll come back later.

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Kaminari: I like your energy, hombre! What do you say you and I ride go-carts later?

Shinso: I wanna go horseback riding.

Kaminari: Deal.

All Might: Congratulations on becoming a teacher, my boy.

Izuku: T-Thank you, All Might!

All Might: Aizawa, do you have anything to say to him?

Aizawa: Yeah, may you get a student that’ll take twenty years off your life in the span of six months because that is sure as hell what you and Bakugo did to me.

Izuku and All Might:

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Izuku: If you maim him, I will stay at Shouto’s for a week.

Bakugo, about to punch a dude: Oh c’mon!

Izuku: If you kill him, I’ll switch back to 3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/bodywash.

Bakugo: Oh hell no, nerd!

Izuku, singing: If you don’t calm down, I’ll paint the living room walls in All Might colors.

Bakugo, releases dude: Dammit it, fine!

Kirishima: Midoriya will never cease to amaze me on how to control him.

Todoroki: It’s an art.

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Bakugo and Izuku, sitting in a car together:

Izuku: Kacchan…I said “hit it.”

Bakugo: No one means the brakes when they say “hit it.”

Izuku: I do when the sentence before “hit it,” is “get ready to hit the brakes, so we can surprise the criminal.”

Bakugo, looking away from the criminal he just hit with the car:…You said “Hit it.”

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Aizawa: Midoriya, why are you covered in soot and dirt?

Izuku, trying to hide the fact he and Bakugo fought again: Oh I was-I was cleaning the chimney.

Aizawa:

Aizawa: We have no chimney.

Izuku: Whaaat?

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Bakugo, patrolling:

Izuku, patrolling in another location:

Izuku, through their radio: I hate quiet nights.

Bakugo: Same.

Izuku: Like do villains even care how long it takes for us to get out here?

Bakugo: Fu*king unappreciative assholes.

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Todoroki: What’s wrong with Bakugo?

Izuku: He got paired up with this hero couple during his shift and they took all credit on catching the villian. I told him to let it go, they’ll get their karma.

Todoroki: Oh.

- Next Day -

TV: Pro-hero Dynamight and a pro-hero couple were hurt today in a chase gone wrong. Dynamight came out with minimum injuries, but the rookies will be bed-ridden and off the job for indefinite amount of time.

Izuku: Thank goodness you’re okay, Kacchan. I told you karma would happen.

Bakugo: Or you can self-sacrifice and make sure they get the brunt of it.

Izuku:…What?

Bakugo: Me flipping them off was the last thing they saw before they got hit.

Izuku, horrified:

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