when will my life begin?

Oh! This town sure is… unique. Is this supposed to happen? Is it something in the air, maybe? All I can say is it sure feels strange.

That’s just Havensdale; unique, strange, something in the air. Sometimes you just have to roll with it. You want a donut?

And don’t you forget to consider my fave gal Faye Montgomery. Plus, that comes with a long-distance air kiss from yours truly—

She could be the next big thing after our beautiful queen Ivy.

And while you’re considering that fave gal, why not also consider Maddie Hannigan? My air kisses come with glitter, for the record.

I should have stayed far away from this place while I had the chance. What time is it? Actually, doesn’t matter — I need a drink.

Lena, come on. You know I don’t keep alcohol in my office. Let me just finish up here and we can go to the Fox. Or back to mine if it’s not open yet. I’m sure Alfie’s home if you want to entertain yourself by trying to get his attention. He has the new Assassin’s Creed though, so you’ll be lucky.

You stare any longer back there and I’m gonna charge.

Ten dollars and that’s only ‘cause I’m having a rare generous day. Plus the whiskey I had earlier cost more than my parents’ house so… I’m pretty snockered. Learned that one from a proper English lady. Well, she’s not-so proper now but what can ya do.

Ten dollars or a shot of tequila.

Ian, please. You know I’m taken. As much as it depresses my mom that it’s not by you, that point still stands. So, no. Nothing for you. However, if you happen to have seen my loving, devoted boyfriend anywhere and you can point me in his direction, I may be inclined to purchase a reward shot. So have you seen him? Have you seen Nick?

Not now? You wound me. I wasn’t just born looking like a golden god, you know. I have to work at it. [chokes] Christ, you’d think I’d be used to this by now, and yet. No holes, sweets. Leave those condoms alone.

And yet here you are looking like Zeus birthed you himself. Can we please get back to me, Cole? Your rock hard abs can wait. They, unlike Nick, are not going anywhere. [ waving the condoms around like help me! ] Okay listen, Cole. I love you, but if you can’t get on board with the condom plan, then I’ll have to take more drastic measures. So either you help me with these, or you give me your goddamn sperms so that I can have a baby and tell Nick it’s his. Either we have the sex or you turkey baste them into me, but one way or another this oven’s baking a bun.

Well, this is embarrassing. I was going to go for a run, but I got distracted by this hella weather. I might just tan here, basking in the sun, y’know? You’re welcome to join me, if you’d like.

Not now, Cole. basking in the sun can wait. I need your help with something. How many holes do I need to put in these condoms to ensure they don’t work?

–Bye, bye! What? Oh my God, okay hang on. I’m still thinking about tiny baby Justin Timberlake. He truly flourished as an artiste post-N’sync. We should totally listen to the Throwback playlist more.

Hm… I mean, legs either way. And you look smoking in both. The shorts will give you more room to dance but the LBD will go along with the implied Booty Call aesthetic. What are you gonna do? What does your heart want? [“whispers”] Little black dress.

Oh my god, please. This playlist is pure gold. Honestly though, who would’ve ever expected him to be the one to ascend into greatness?

Don't wanna be a fool for you. Just another player in your game for two. You may hate me but it ain't no lie. Baby, bye, bye, bye! Okay, but no seriously, Char. Do I go with the short shorts or is this a little black dress occasion?

I was going to start eating less and working out more but I read in Cosmo that if I’m not careful my ass will get skinnier and my boobs will shrink.

I like having a fat ass and big tits. It’s the best, right?

Maybe you could just be careful then? I mean, if you really want to work out. Frankly, I don’t think you need it.

An Ivy O’Connor Moodboard

Just shut up.

Shut the actual fuck up. Whatever it is that you’re planning on spewing out of that mouth of yours, I don’t want to hear it.

Woah, Cole... I was just coming over to say ‘hey’. What the hell? Are you okay?

Love! All you need is love.

Yes, yes… Love. Dear, sweet love… L-O-V-E love. It’s in the room, people. It’s in the air. It’s the way that you look at me, the only one I see, very very very… Extra– Um, extra something. Either way, love.

Shots for the happy couple! Shots for everyone happy for the happy couple and their undying love. … Where did I put my shot glass? Could have sworn it was right there… And full for that matter.

Yeah. Uh huh. All over the room. All over the yard. Some of it’s even on the roof, I hear.

“Sorry ladies… I can no longer make your boyfriend’s jealous. I am taken for life and probably after death too.” 

I just don’t know what all of us are going to do with ourselves now that the Leo McCoy is forever off the market.

So… Which one of you bitches are going to be next?

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Just so I have some sort of idea on where to aim when I toss this bouquet. Not that I’ll be even remotely sober when I get to doing that. The hedge’ll probably be most likely to get it. Still, gotta try. Whoever catches it can swap marriage tips with me. We can talk about, I don’t know. Ugly fucking curtains and matching couples towels.

Effy, there you are!