adulting with ira

i'm used to doing things on my own. ever since i was little, i held a lot of pressure, responsibility, and burden on my shoulders. i thought that if everyone else around me was happy, i will be happy. i grew up being selfless to a detriment. i thought that if kept my problems to myself, i wouldn't add to the existing stress and problems in my household. if i kept everything in and dealt with things by myself, nothing would be ruined by my darkness. now, being a 22-year old, i'm a recovering people pleaser, hyper-independent, and coming to terms with my harmful avoidant tendencies. i got so used to doing things by myself and trying my best to not rely on anyone for help and support, even at times where i need it the most. but there are moments where i gather all the strength. i feel my body go limp as i collapse into someone's arms. i need you. and i hug them as i cry. and i cry harder as i hug them tighter. it's like every version of me coming together in my body and yearning for someone to care--to let someone care for me. i never want the hug to end. i wanna stay there forever if i could. when i'm sad. when i'm tired. when i feel like giving up. all i want is a hug. to be held in your arms a little longer.

i wonder if the reason why i find myself slipping into a dark place is due to my avoidant tendencies in hopes to avoid confronting my painful experiences. maybe i want to avoid fixing my relationship with myself because i get uncomfortable sitting with the negative feelings i felt during the darkest points in my life. maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself all the time. maybe i should learn how to forgive myself. i've internalized the way other people made me feel and subconsciously put all the blame on myself instead of those people. maybe i choose to suffer because i want to run away from the truth; i don't love and accept myself enough to heal properly and move on.

when your emotions consume you, your brain is overwhelmed with so many emotions, wires are sending signals, alerts, left and right, you malfunction and shut down. and suddenly, you feel nothing and everything at the same time. as if all of your emotions disappeared and you can no longer see them, but its presence is still apparent and looms over you like a dark cloud. and you are left to witness the world around you slowing down. everything is blurry and out-of-focus. staring at a random spot on the wall and you find yourself, not there. anywhere but the present. the air feels eerily familiar. and i'm back to the old house again.

cut up apples and oranges my parents would take up to my room during my depressive episodes. going downstairs, the morning before going to school, and seeing a mug of freshly poured hot ginger-honey tea sitting on the kitchen counter after telling my mom about my itchy throat (and continues to give me a fresh one every day until i get better). telling my parents about how much i've missed biking and the next day, seeing my bike with freshly pumped tires propped up at the front door. requesting a home-cooked meal my dad used to make and proceeds to cook a big serving of it that would last us the rest of the week. bringing all the essentials to every outing just in case someone needs sunscreen, a bandaid, water, etc. pulling me closer to them on a bumpy commute. making sure i'm on the inside of the sidewalk. carrying my things when i'm tired or as i try to dig through my tote bag (full of everything). giving me their jacket or sweater whenever i'm too stubborn to bring my own. following me as i go through aisle after aisle and pushing the cart, and giving suggestions on what would look good on me as i throw in clothes to try on. making plans without having me to worry about when and where we are going. taking me outside for fresh air when i've been feeling too overwhelmed and suffocated for too long inside crowded areas. reassurance and hugs when i'm crying because i feel like a burden. bringing me my favourite snacks knowing that i haven't eaten much. finding my freshly folded laundry on my bed during my busy weekends. coming home after a long day to a plate of rice and uulam saved in the fridge just for me. buying something to eat with me even though they're not hungry, but does it anyways so that i don't eat alone (i hate eating alone). checking in on me when i've shut down or when i've dissociated. bringing me my favourite drink after i've stayed up late studying. telling my parents about how much i liked the snack they bought me recently and buys it in bulk the next day. giving me a long embrace after i've being distant due to stress. "i'll take care of it, don't worry about it, you're safe with me, i'll take care of you."

i'm scared that i will be disappointed again. in the way where i expect something of someone and they aren't able to reach my expectations, over and over again. to be let down over and over again. because i know what i want, but it seems like i keep expecting too much out of the wrong people. i wonder if i just set myself for failure from the start... i act as if it's a crime to leave if they don't reach my expectations and i feel obligated to give them chance after chance. but it is only fair to expect the love i give to people to be given back to me in full or even more... right? i've been in several relationships and have made several connections with people, yet, i always feel like i'm doing something wrong no matter what. like, there must be a problem with me because i am always left to be feeling disappointed, upset, betrayed. but, life is full of disappointment, i'm just not sure how to handle it yet. i don't think i should lower my expectations because that means i will never get the love i want and deserve. maybe i should trust myself more, that hopefully, if i ever recognized myself being disappointed by someone constantly, that i will have the strength to walk away.

cat mom to 2 tuxedo boys (bobbin and campbell)