rue / redemptioninterlude.
Thereâs a sideways look ; it matches her sideways smile. Mouth all curled and puckered, thereâs a knowingness there. Like the way that Lexi always knew when things were different with Rue, without her having to really say a word. Who ate her denials for breakfast and came back, still, soft and lovely and warm and kind. Thatâs the Lexi she didnât deserve, god knew, she didnât deserve her. SHE KNEW ALL THINGS, Lexi, the girl who blinked twice after sheâd slipped guiltily from that laundry room and hissed, a sound that still carried above the din of the music there at the party, âYou did it, didnât you?â that nameless thing. That continuity of womanhood that felt oh so alien. Lexi there again, as she looked at her and took her to the bathroom, how they wiped her thighs down and she didnât say anything, not Lexi, to anybody.
This is them taking new steps together. It isnât about their teenaged dreams anymore, it was them looking forwards, to growing up. Still a terrifying, but, you know, a little less so when your best friend of 14 YEARS AND COUNTING was right there with you. âWhy would I be?â a slow blink, Rueâs dark eyes, hard to read, even now when glancing upwards, pulling at zippers. Itâs so small, what he life packs up into, tongue slick along her lower lip, that quiet laugh. âIâm me. And not me at the same time. Like, being on drugs made me a different person. But now I donât know who I am anymore? I guess thatâs okay though. Itâs like. An act of becoming. All of this, here, and now. What we go do. Thatâs me fucking⌠figuring it out.â sheâs still full of starts, stops, fumbling, messes⌠but.
With her, her, sheâs always been better. Their hands together, the both of them faced off against some grand, giant PERHAPS hanging over them like a promise and a threat, all at once. It was fine. It was them. So of course itâd be alright, a sly exchange in that glance of hers, loaded up. âWell duh. I mean. Iâll beat all of them all.â junkie strength, they called it once from her, when she lost it during a panic attack. Lexi always calms her down. Keeps her focused. Sheâs like, the only reason her momâs even letting her do this in the first place. âIâm just praying out place doesnât end up being some fucking cockroach palace, or is that just in New York? Fuck. I have no idea. I just wanna like. Get there already. Even if our first night is just us hanging out on some mattress on the floor, itâs gonna be ours you know? And youâre going to be⌠like, fucking amazing. I just wanted you to know that.â Lexi, who always worries about her, she doesnât spend enough time on herself.
  DESPITE WAITING FOR THIS DAY, Lexi feels an unsettling anxiety in the pit of her stomach. So much can go wrong in a split second, a reminder that she will never be over seeing the worst outcome in every scenario. Itâs been engraved on her brain since day one, when she was meant to be young and careless... Lexi spent those years gnawing away at her fingernails with worry, anxiety about her parents splitting up, about the attention Cassie got, and then about her father. It is like she can never escape her mind for more than a minute, not even when she smoked weed for the first time. She hates that there is no way to escape it but also, she knows that the ways Rue did arenât right either. It is like a vicious cycle, damned if you do and damned if you donât. Her shoulders shrug when Rue asks why would she be worried. The list that Lexi curates in her mind isnât something she can say out loud, knowing that it might all sound pathetic to the other. She canât even be happy about the one thing she has wanted her whole life, to be away from her home and responsibilities... just her and Rue now.Â
    âDonât mind me, I think Iâm just overthinking.â A soft smile on her lips before she is nodding along to the others words. That is true, Rue is herself but she has changed a lot over the years. How could she even know who she was when she was on drugs? Lexi can see where she is coming from. âYouâre definitely not alone. I donât know who I am either... childhood homes shape you but I donât think they ever let you be your true self. You know?â Lexi wonders as she casts her doe eyes towards Rue. She is just glad to be figuring it out with someone by her side, someone she knows wonât judge anything she does or question her every movement. It brought her a lot of comfort to know that Rue would never force Lexi into doing anything she didnât want to and the two of them being comfortable was a top priority. The year has changed them for the better, Lexi knows that. She feels secure where they are now, holding hands and going off to do this as a team. It is what sheâs always wanted, how they used to talk about getting out together in middle school and before everything happened. It is finally a reality.
   Her lips forming a grin as she thinks back to the days of Rue protecting her, how she is always the one people used to pick on as a kid or even teenager. Once the play went ahead, people stopped with their whispers and actually thought Lexi was more than just Cassie Howards little sister. It was nice for a while. âMy hero.â She fake swoons, using her free hand to clutch over her heart dramatically with a soft giggle, leaning her head against Rueâs shoulder as they get closer. It feels nice, to do this without thinking and worrying about rejection from Rue. âI went through every single review! It better not have some nasty bugs or something,â she shudders at the thought. Their place is small but itâs theirs, which is what matters. Cheeks heating up at the compliment, hiding her face shyly in the others shoulder. âIâm going to do my best. I hope I donât hate college... I always felt like that is where Iâll thrive.â