SNOWFLAKE / GANGSTER

#FEZDISPENSER:  hi! i’m lor! 25+ my pronouns are they/she. Independent, private & highly selective FEZCO O'NEILL from hbo’s EUPHORIA. est. jan 2022. low to moderate activity, dark themes present, so strictly 18+only! Please read my doc before interacting, discord is available to mutuals only! personals & minors dni!

icons by @tsarinasource! promo and pinned by @sugaredresources​!

GOOGLE DOC - rules, bio & mains

INTEREST TRACKER / THREAD TRACKER / PLAYLIST / PINTEREST !

Yo! just dropping in to say that I have officially moved FEZCO over to my multimuse on @pcrfectstorms​ where you can find him, elliot, jules along side my other babies (mostly stranger things babies)!

        A familiar face, and one he’s actually happy to see walk through the doors of the store, it's a quiet hot Sunday afternoon, his grandma up in Indianapolis for the weekend, some talk of a fight in the club that she had to take care of, leaving him to man the fort back in Hawkins.

         Ever since Star Court Mall opened, business hasn’t exactly been booming, he’s perched up on the counter in his usual spot when the ding of the door goes off, a low grumble half expecting a bunch of kid looking for slushies too cool down in the surprisingly hot Midwest heat, but instead its an old friend, “Yo, Byers, whatcha doin’ here man? you good?” hopping down from the counter to greet him, hand offered out as he’s pulling him in for a hug, “you home for summer or something, bro?” he vaguely remembers little Byers saying something about  Jonathan coming home over summer, but Fezco would be lying if he said he remembered exactly what, it had been weeks ago, and he’s been high as hell sitting out front when the kids had come in.

STRANGER THINGS VERSE;

so, there will be elements of fezco’s canon that i will be keeping in, and parts that will be altered to fit better within the stranger things universe. in this verse fezco’s grandma marie is alive and well, his father on the other hand is not  -- his dad owned a string of strip clubs in Indianapolis, that his grandma took over when he died when fezco was twelve. she mostly has a small role in the club's running, it's mostly just a moneymaker for her, but it means that fezco is often left to run the local store on his own with his younger adoptive brother Ashtray.

fezco is nineteen, we was held back a year in his freshman year after getting into an accident and suffering a TBI (similar to in canon euphoria) meaning that he is set to graduate in the season 4 timeline of ‘86 along with Nancy & Robin. he doesn’t like steve harrington, or billy hargrove for that matter, thinks they’re assholes and one in the same. he is however, friends with jonathan byers and eddie munson, him and eddie both have the same supplier (rick lipton).

as far as knowing what’s going on in hawkins, he doesn’t know much pre season three, but he heard waaaay too much about the cover up mall fire and he is suspicious that their is some govement cover up shit going on, he’s very skeptical of the government, and law inforcement, very anti-establishment and stick it to the man vibes, in line with his canon. working in the local store means he hears a lot. he lives on the bad side of town with his grandma and his brother, as far as his aesthetic in the 80′s goes - think Milky from this is england type vibes (levis, checked shirts, doc martins -- kinda punk, but not quite).

shipping wise, not really a priority, more interested in the different dynamics within the stranger things universe, i know for one he would be super protective of the kids, he’d def vibe with robin, eddie and jonathan the most.

@fezdispenser said: ❝ do you ever feel like you’re losing your mind? ❞ / st 4 starters : accepting ! 

biting  on  her  lip  ,  eden  doesn’t  really  know  where  to  start  with  that  .  she  always  feels  like  she  is  going  out  of  her  mind  ,  trying  to  do  what  is  right  for  her  siblings  but  also  trying  to  live  her  own  life  .  she  doesn’t  have  the  full  freedom  she  dreams  of  ,  wanting  to  be  as  far  from  the  bingham  house  as  possible  .  however  , is  now really  the  time  to  admit  all  of  that  when  they’re  high  as  kites  laying  in  the  woods  ?  which is also probably  not  the  best  idea  considering  everything  that  happens  in  hawkins  but  they  don’t  seem  to  care  .

❛    well  ,  wouldn’t  you  go  out  of  your  mind  if  there  were  constantly  eight  screaming  children  to  look  after  ?    ❜  she  jokes  ,  head  turning  to  look  at  him  with  a  smirk  .  a  moment  passes  and  a  sigh  escapes  her  lips  as  she  sits  up  .  ❛    being  real  though  ?  i  do  feel  like  i’m  losing  it  a  lot  of  the  time  .  everything  that  goes  on  here  –  it  just  doesn’t  feel  real  and  i’m  good  at  putting  on  a  brave  face  but…    ❜  petite  shoulders  shrug  as  she  looks  up  to  the  sky  ,  the  worry  starting  to  settle  in  about  him  .  fez  is  never  one  to  ask  questions  like  that  too  often  .  ❛  are  you  okay  though  ?  there’s  not  like  something  getting  into  your  head  is  there  ?    ❜

          this town’s enough to make anyone feel like they’re losing their mind. he doesn’t know much, but he hears things, bits and pieces from jonathan before he moves to california, and fez knows there are darker reasons the byers wanted outta dodge. but he lives by the rule of don’t ask questions you don’t really wanna know the answer too. but the weirder things get around here the more he finds himself wanting to know what the fuck was wrong with hawkins.he laughs at her response, a soft shrug, because fuck man, eight siblings was crazy, dealing with ashtray’s ass was bad enough, “𝚍𝚞𝚍𝚎 -- 𝙸 𝚍𝚞𝚗𝚗𝚘 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚒𝚗’𝚝 𝚐𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚗𝚞𝚝𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚗’ 𝚠𝚒 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖 𝚔𝚒𝚍𝚜, ‘𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜, 𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚊𝚐 𝚝𝚎𝚊𝚖 𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚊𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚒𝚕𝚖𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚝, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔 𝚖𝚊𝚗 --” he laughs shaking his head, the bingham house was always chaos, but at least there was never a dull moment.

                 “    𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚝  𝚖𝚎 ,   𝚒  𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 .     ”      first  she  watched  rue  deal  with  losing  her  father ,   trying  to  numb  the  feeling  however  she  could ,   then  it  was  fezco  isolating  himself ,   and  finally  her  own  grief .      out  of  all  of  them ,   she  had  probably  been  the  weirdest ,   pretended  everything  was  fine  (  sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ  ɴᴇᴇᴅs  ᴛᴏ  ʜᴏʟᴅ  ɪᴛ  ᴛᴏɢᴇᴛʜᴇʀ ,   ʀɪɢʜᴛ ?     ) ,   dismissed  it  whenever  someone  brought  it  up  they  never  even  saw  her  cry  about  it  (  ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ  sʜᴇ  ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs  ᴅɪᴅ  ɪᴛ  ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ  )  and  put  all  her  attention  in  her  projects .      workaholic  by  nature ,   it  hadn’t  been  that  out  of  character ,   thankful  for  the  distraction .      that  was  until  she  finally  stopped  denying  his  death  and  allowed  herself  to  actually  feel  it .      at  least  she  had  rue  through  it ,   some  days  she  swears  she  was  unbearable  to  deal  with  but  her  friend  stayed .      “      𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎  𝚑𝚊𝚜  𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛  𝚠𝚊𝚢  𝚘𝚏  𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐  𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑  𝚒𝚝 .     𝚊𝚗𝚍  𝚘𝚏  𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎  𝚒  𝚠𝚊𝚜  𝚜𝚊𝚍 ,   𝚋𝚞𝚝  𝚒  𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝  𝚋𝚕𝚊𝚖𝚎  𝚢𝚘𝚞  𝚏𝚘𝚛  𝚒𝚝 .      ”      she’s  not  going  to  pretend  it  was  fine ,   won’t  act  as  if  she  didn’t  spend  nights  crying  over  him ,   but  knows  well  she  can’t  place  the  blame  on  him .

                “     𝚑𝚘𝚠  𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍  𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎  𝚜𝚊𝚢  𝚗𝚘  𝚝𝚘  𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜  𝚌𝚞𝚝𝚎  𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎  𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎 ?     ”     hand  gently  pets  her  head ,   smiling  at  the  dog  nuzzled  up  against  her .     happy  to  know  he  has  found  some  company ,   knows  how  pets  can  give  so  much  love .      some  people  might  call  her  dramatic ,   but  sometimes  she’s  not  sure  how  she’d  make  it  without  the  two  cats  waiting  for  her  at  home .     it  gets  so  lonely  sometimes .       a  bigger  smile  tugs  the  corners  of  her  lips  as  he  keeps  going ,   warmth  invading  her  as  he  tells  her  the  pup  feels  good  with  her ,   has  always  had  a  soft  spot  for  animals .      “     𝚜𝚑𝚎’𝚜  𝚊  𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍  𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕 .     ”

                chestnut  hues  focus  on  him  as  he  speaks ,   patiently  waiting ,   will  not  bring  it  up  but  she  can’t  help  but  find  it  adorable  when  he  stutters ,   takes  her  back  all  those  years  ago .      as  if  she’s  one  to  speak ,   cheeks  flushed ,   teeth  nibbling  onto  her  lower  lip  as  she  offers  him  a  quick  nod .     “    𝚢𝚎𝚊𝚑 !     𝚢𝚎𝚊𝚑 ,   𝚒’𝚍  𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎  𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 .     ”        way  too  enthusiastic ,   can  she  ever  just  be  chill ?      pathetic .        “      𝚒  𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢  𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍  𝚝𝚘  𝚐𝚎𝚝  𝚝𝚘  𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔  𝚋𝚞𝚝  𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎  𝚖𝚎  𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛  𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚗𝚎  𝚏𝚘𝚛  𝚊  𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍 ?     𝚒’𝚕𝚕  𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎  𝚢𝚘𝚞  𝚖𝚢  𝚗𝚞𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛  𝚊𝚗𝚍  𝚠𝚎  𝚌𝚊𝚗  𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚗  𝚒𝚝  𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚛 ?      ”      words  come  out  too  quickly ,   she’s  too  nervous ,   holding  her  coffee  cup  a  bit  too  tightly ,   if  she’s  not  careful  she  might  spill  it .      heart  is  hammering  on  her  chest ,   excited  that  she’ll  spend  time  with  him ,   that  he  actually  wants  to ,   and  she  needs  to  tell  herself  to  calm  down ,   to  not  make  a  big  deal  of  it .       don’t  let  it  happen  all  over  again .      can  already  hear  her  sister’s  words ,   this  is  a  big  mistake ,   she’ll  get  hurt  all  over  again ,   but  cassie  wouldn’t  get  it .       she  doesn’t  know  fezco ,   not  like  she  does ,   hasn’t  heard  the  honesty  in  his  apology ,   hasn’t  seen  the  guilt  and  shame  shading  his  eyes .      if  it  goes  wrong ,   it  won’t  be  for  lack  of  trying  from  her  part .       and  if  she  gets  her  heart  broken ,   she’ll  bring  it  back  together  again ,   even  if  it’s  always  misshapen .      has  done  it  enough  times  before .

        He can't help but feel some part of her does; she must blame him at least a little for how he handled things, or moreover how he didn't handle things back then. Grief stricken or not, he had hurt her, left her feeling as if she was the problem, as if she wasn't enough, when the reality was so far from that from where he stood. All the dreams they shared shattered the moment that bullet went through his brother skull, it's taken him years to feel at least a little normal again, whatever that meant.

        Nodding in agreement, Rosie was adorable, he'd fallen in love with her sad eyes in the shelter that day and never looked back. " 𝚈𝚎𝚊𝚑 𝚜𝚑𝚎'𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍, '𝚌𝚎𝚙𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚗' 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚍." smirk pulling at the edges of his mouth, she wasn't even that a big dog and yet somehow managed to take up at least three quarters of the bed.

         He's a little surprised she agrees to it, nervousness bubbling in his gut, having half expected a polite decline of his offer of dinner. " 𝚈𝚎𝚊𝚑? -- 𝚘𝚑 𝚢𝚎𝚊𝚑 𝚘𝚏 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎, 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚔𝚎𝚎𝚙𝚒𝚗' 𝚢𝚊." he says as he's pulling out his phone from his pocket slipping it to her, heart thudding in his chest, mind taking him back to the couch on new years all those years before when he's been the one punching his number into her phone. "𝙸𝚖𝚊 𝚝𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚛, 𝚠𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚏𝚒𝚐𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚜, 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚗𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚒𝚗' 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗, 𝙻𝚎𝚡𝚒." Nice seeing you again, cursing himself for that one, the nerves getting the better of him making him stutter out his parting words.

        And he does as promises, texts her almost the second he gets back home, maybe he's a little too eager, but the excitement in his chest at he idea of getting more time with Lexi, to reconnect, to catch up on all the missed years, how different their lives looked now to back then. Tells himself it's just two old friends catching up, won't allow himself to think it any more, since he'd be fooling himself to think he deserved any more than friendship after how he's broken her heart once already. They text on and off as the week goes by, nerves growing more as the weekend approaches and by the time Saturday evening rolls around he's a nervous wreck, calls Rue in a panic, and she's no good, all she can do is tease him about his date, that he insists isn't a date.

This town made ghosts out of people ; made everything feel infinitely large and small at once, which was like, a huge accomplishment. Why it felt like nothing mattered, nothing STUCK TO THE SKIN, because why would it? Everyone knew your business anyway, which was like, always awkward when you wanted to disappear, either for yourself ( Rue ) or your business ( Fez ) or all that lay in between. Her lips quirked into a smaller smile ; she doesn’t know how to tell him that, Lexi’s on her ass about the drugs, and it feels tense because she knows who’s giving it to her and feels she should be cutting back, but it’s like, who really gets to chose the levels in which she felt her pain? She sure as fuck didn’t. “She’s just busy.” living her life, being happy, right? Rue doesn’t wanna think about how Lexi feels alone, because, she just can’t fucking deal with that shit right now, can she….

                                     No, she’s barely holding on herself as it was.

“Yeah like - wait. Did you see what happened last time?” Rue in a bush, her tires all fucked, she spends the day after a party pulling out things in between and having to patch the tires up and test it on wobbling spikes. What a moment! And so she kinda gets it, fingers pinching at her brow to mute the grin she’d otherwise be sporting, Rue takes the blunt and smokes it deep, and acts like she HEARD NOTHING even if there’s a smile folded behind the edges of it, shoulders shrugging like it was like, no big deal. “Yeah okay. It’s still got air and whatever right? Come on, let’s…” she groans, all creaking, growing pains - all she does lately is get taller, and taller, and the only benefit is that dad’s clothes fit now, hanging off her like drapes, how she’ll drown, maybe, and she doesn’t care.

“Worried you’ll get caught?” there’s a laugh - but, no. His grandma’s probably gonna get mad at them for going out, she wants him HOME ALL THE TIME NOW because she’s afraid. But mostly Rue thinks she’s just upset with herself, like, guilt is a hell of a drug in and of itself. “Let’s get this shit going and go, like, my mom’s gonna come looking for me if we hang out too late.”

- @fezdispenser

            HE FEELS SO OUT OF THE LOOP, missing so much of school, being cooped up in a hospital bed for weeks, then stuck at home, feels like he's going a little crazy since there is only so much daytime TV reruns of old TV shows you can watch before you start losing it. And even then, when his headaches kick his ass, he can't even do that. He shrugs, "𝚐𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚋𝚞𝚜𝚢 𝚒𝚗 𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚎𝚛, 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝? 𝚃𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝙸 𝚜𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝚑𝚒 𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛."  a small smile tugs up the corners of his mouth. He liked when the three of them used to hang out, pulling pranks on each other and watching old movies, he wonders if something like, happened between them, but he doesn't like to pry.

           He's laughing, because while he didn't see it, she did tell him the next day and Fezco was crying he was laughing so hard, told her she still had some leaves in her hair, just fucking with her. "𝚈𝚘, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚞𝚙 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎, 𝚔𝚒𝚍. 𝚆𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝙸'𝚍 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝, 𝙸 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚐𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝, 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚕𝚍𝚎𝚗." He's laughing hard, the kind of laugh that makes your side ache if you go too long, sure the blunt was hitting good and adding to the hilarity of it all.

       “  no  -  !  i  don’t  .   i’m  not  -  ”   and  perfect  ,   pure  ,   INNOCENT   chrissy  cunningham  was  caught  in  the  middle  of  a  lie  -  by  a  known  drug  dealer !   “  i  mean  -  i  have  smoked  a  blunt  once  or  twice  .   but  it  was  a  while  ago  .   it’s  -  this  is  not  the point  ,   fez !  ”   she’ll  exclaim  softly  ,   hazel  eyes  landing  on  him  ,   and  showing  genuine  fear  .  

         “  i  can’t  -  i  don’t  think  i  can  go  home  tonight  .   between  …  that  ,   and  my  mom  -  i might break  .  ”   whatever  was  after  her ?  she  could  feel  it  getting  closer  . 

          Brow quirks, and he’d laugh if she didn’t look so fucking terrified, which is making him lean more towards believing the whack story, as much as he wishes he didn’t. He knows things go on in Hawkins that can’t be explained by rational and logic.  “𝙲𝚑𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚢 𝙲𝚞𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚊𝚖’𝚜 𝚜𝚖𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚊 𝚋𝚕𝚞𝚗𝚝? -- 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢, 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚊𝚒𝚗'𝚝. 𝚍𝚊𝚖𝚗,  𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚒𝚗   𝙷𝚊𝚠𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚜" -” he teases a little, hoping to bring a little light to the clearly HEAVY conversation

he  is  angry ,   and  with  every  right  to  be .    so  disappointed  with  herself ,   wishes  she  could  dig  a  hole  on  the  ground  and  disappear ,   guilt  and  shame  consuming  her .    feels  gross  too ,   after  what  she  has  heard ,   after  being  touched  by  someone  like  that .     and  it  hadn’t  been  that  big  of  a  deal ,   fezco  didn’t  allow  it ,   but  it  still  left  her  shaking .     does  not  know  what  else  to  do  but  to  apologise ,   but  that’s  not  enough ,   so  chestnut  hues  stay  lowered ,   now  shining  with  the  tears  that  come .     it  could’ve  been  so  much  worse ,   someone  could’ve  ended  up  hurt ,   or  worse .     they’ll  never  want  her  around  again ,   and  with  good  reason .     hand  moves  up  to  rub  her  eyes ,   trying  to  hide  the  fact  that  emotions  are  overwhelming  her .     she  doesn’t  want  to  cry ,   yet  her  body  does  not  seem  to  agree .     “     𝚒'𝚖  𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚎 .     ”     the  last  thing  she  wants  is  to  worry  him .      and  besides ,   she  is  fine .     unharmed ,   even  if  shaken .

              instinct  makes  her  lean  against  his  touch ,   so  different ,   warm  and  caring .     dark  hues  finally  look  up  at  him ,   a  quick  shake  of  her  head  to  his  question .     “    𝚗𝚘  ,   𝚒’𝚖  𝚘𝚔𝚊𝚢 .     ”     cheeks  are  tear  stained  now ,    voice  shaking ,   certain  she  looks  everything  but  okay ,   even  if  she’s  trying  to  find  composure .     trembling  hand  reaches  for  the  one  on  her  cheek ,   holds  it  carefully  before  tilting  her  head  to  press  a  kiss  to  it ,   assuring ,   calming .     havoc  in  her  heart ,   in  her  brain ,   but  he  comes  first ,   he  always  does .   “    𝚊𝚛𝚎  𝚢𝚘𝚞  𝚘𝚔𝚊𝚢 ?     ”      foolish  question ,   of  course  not ,   none  of  them  are ,   but  she  hates  the  way  he’s  pacing ,   the  anger  in  his  eyes .      “    𝚒  𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗’𝚝  𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝  𝚝𝚘  𝚋𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐  𝚢𝚘𝚞  𝚊𝚗𝚢  𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚎 ,   𝚒’𝚖  𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 ,   𝚒  𝚠𝚊𝚜  𝚜𝚘  𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚙𝚒𝚍 .     𝚒  𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠  𝚢𝚘𝚞  𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝  𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝  𝚖𝚎  𝚒𝚗  𝚝𝚑𝚎  𝚖𝚒𝚍𝚍𝚕𝚎  𝚘𝚏  𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 ,   𝚒  𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗’𝚝  𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗  𝚝𝚘 ,   𝚒  𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗’𝚝  𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝  𝚝𝚘  𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚍𝚎  𝚘𝚛  𝚝𝚘  𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢  𝚢𝚘𝚞  𝚘𝚛  𝚝𝚘  𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚠  𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐  𝚞𝚙 ,   𝚒’𝚖  𝚜𝚘  𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 .    “      nervous  words  spill  out  at  the  speed  of  light ,   desperate ,   more  tears  falling  down  her  cheeks .      please  forgive  me ,   please  don’t  make  me  lose  you .

          NOT SURE WHO HE'S MORE ANGRY AT, Mouse or himself, but it's misdirected at Lexi momentarily, hates that she's seeing this side of him again, already confronted with his rage on New Year's Eve, when she'd witnessed him pummel Nate Jacobs, part of him scared she'll want to RUN after seeing how violent and volatile he can be when provoked, and yet she didn't in the weeks after. Teeth sinking in until he tastes blood, head shaking as he's pacing, pacing. How fucking dare Mouse touch her like that; say such crude things, wishes he'd clocked him in the jaw with a gun tucked into his waist band.

        Stops before her, eyes scanning every inch, touch soft and delicate as he checks her over instinctively, head still shaking. He hates that she's crying, hates seeing how visibly shaken she is, this was the last thing he wanted. She was his little safe haven outside all the depravity of his work, something that was JUST his, a light in his darkness, how foolish and selfish he was to put her in danger like this. "𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚐𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚊 𝚋𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢𝚒𝚗' '𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚖𝚎, 𝙸 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚢𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏, 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗' 𝚒𝚝 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑."

      He knows she didn't mean to cause any trouble, innocent in her intentions, so thrown by everything he hasn't even asked her why she was here in the first place. His head shaking when she apologises, "𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚊 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗'𝚝 -- 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔, 𝚜'𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚞𝚕𝚝 -- 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗' 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗." not registering how that sounds; like he doesn’t want her coming over at all - which ISN’T what he’s saying, but panic sets in now the initial anger is fading, looking at her tear stained face cursing himself. "𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗' 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚠𝚊𝚢? --  𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚌'𝚖𝚘𝚗 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚌𝚛𝚢, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚘𝚔𝚊𝚢, 𝚒 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚕𝚎𝚡." voice soft as arms engulf her into a hug, eyes tight shut trying not to think of how much worse this could have ended, knowing the type of man Mouse was.

     SHE COULDN’T HELP HERSELF, not when it came to fezco o’neil it seems. the buzz of excitement she feels when she knows thursday has finally come around again. packing everything she needs for the visit to the bookstore, bringing some extra cake with her, tucked safely in her bag. she makes her way across the city in her carriage, the deal with the drivers and her maids to keep it quiet. she knows that she shouldn’t be going here alone, especially not as a single young woman… but she longs for their talks together. lets herself imagine what a life with fezco would be like. he is a good man, one that lexi would feel lucky to be courted by but she knows that isn’t the case. she is from a different, upper class. it would be frowned upon, however she can’t help herself thinking such things after their visits. 

      the reality is that she is expected to marry into a family of her own class, one that can provide for her and pay off her father. it has never been lexi’s dream to do that; she loves to read, learn and explore what the world has to offer. men like to stop that, make sure that women know their ‘place’ as mothers or wives. the thought of her ever approaching season leaves a sickness in her stomach. however, she can push it aside for her time with fezco for now. all thoughts of her future on pause as she sits across from the  handsome man, a bright smile gracing her features as he hands over a book. “oh, i’m so looking forward to reading this! i can’t thank you enough.” she exclaims as she carefully takes the book in her hands, running her fingers over the cover before laughing. “i’d love to know who she is. lady whistledown? not so much. ” head shaking as she remembers vile words the letters contain about her family, especially regarding cassandra.

        hands falling in her lap as she listens intently to him, thinking about how simple it is to be here with him. “i will be sure to tell you my every thought next week, mr o’neil.” it is a promise, how she plans to return every week when she can. so far, she has been lucky to slip out of the house unnoticed. she was always the daughter her parents didn’t notice as much. “i believe i’ll enjoy any book you offer me.” cheeks tinting a pretty pink colour as she reaches for the copy of ‘the swiss family robinson’ and the cake she managed to sneak out, placing it down between them as an offering. “it was such a pleasant read! a break from all the tragedies or romance we are so used to. makes me wonder what is out in the world. wouldn’t it be splendid to know that? travel to parts we’ve never seen before?” eyes widening with excitement at the mere thought of an adventure. 

            FINDS HIMSELF CAPTIVATED ONCE MORE, knows better than to find himself daydreaming of her the way he does, their secret friendship exhilarating, her mind a marvel, and he loves to listen as she speaks of the books they read, the way she dissects each chapter and character making him think of things he'd never considered. She truly was brilliant, treasures her visits even if he knows they can't continue forever, how her first season is coming up, and soon she'll be married and these visits nothing but a bittersweet memory. Oh, how things could be different if he hadn't been born the son of a book merchant.

          "𝚘𝚏 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎, 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚜 𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚡𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 -- 𝙸 𝚍𝚘 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚎𝚗𝚓𝚘𝚢 𝚒𝚝, 𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍”  and a little more befitting of her upcoming season, although he tries not to think of such things. The idea of her betrothed to another leaves him unsettled, saddened at the thought, although he knows it can be not any other way. And he's sure he's lost in some foolish fantasy. Cheeks blush when she tells him she'd enjoy any book he offered, likes to think he knows he tastes by now.

           "𝙼𝚒𝚜𝚜 𝙰𝚕𝚎𝚡𝚒𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚊 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚊𝚕𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝙸 𝚊𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚢 𝚊 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝚜𝚕𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚌𝚊𝚔𝚎." a boyish laugh emits from his lungs. "𝙷𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚏𝚊𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎?  𝙸'𝚖 𝚊𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙲𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚘𝚏 𝙻𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚗, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝙸'𝚍 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍, 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚠𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚋𝚎 𝚊 𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚖 --" wistful as he thinks of worlds he's only ever read of in manuscript. "𝙸 𝚍𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝙻𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚗 𝙸'𝚖 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎."