Electric Eel

That is a fucking awesome site everyone should visit. Don't skip the Hall of Shame.

Funnily enough this is how I got the job as a Zombie. Worst. Gig. Of. My. Life. Initially pitched as a "Zombie Hayride" sorta deal. I think, "Okay, I'm going to jump out at kids and scare the shit outta them. Awesome!" WRONG! They neglected to put PAINTBALL on the listing. They also promised 10 an hour but instead it was a flat rate of 40 bucks. See, I was DESPERATE at the time. So I WENT. like a MAN. I WISH I DIDN'T! The address was hard to find, and when I get there it's in bum-fuck-nowhere Alabama. It's a few trailers but in the non-trailer park way. There was a really rundown house and FOUR ARMORED VEHICLES WITH PAINTBALL GUNS LINING THE EDGES OF THEM. However, I'm in too deep. I show up and I get shoved into a really uncomfortable fire fighter suit. Then they throw some rags over top you to make you look like a zombie. Then a paintball mask with an awful latex mask overtop. So we, the zombies, pile into a white van. We go up a mountain and we're told that our job is run between two different spots. Then, when the truck comes by, we thrash around. We cannot dodge or hide or else we will not get paid. "Oh, and also, don't let the boss catch you with a cigarette. One of part of the course caught on fire" Great! Oh! And if you tap out early? You don't get paid at all. I found this out because a kind old lady had to tap out after the first round of this. The manager was asking her "Are you sure? You know you won't get paid if you leave early right?" Awesome! So anyway, we begin, and there's like 20 minutes of downtime between each truck. At first it was kind of great. It didn't hurt, it was chill. Uncomfortable but I kind of felt invincible. In those periods of downtime, I learn that most of the guys there are: A) Getting paid 20 bucks for this and a half-way decent meal B) Are all from a halfway house or rehab This means that the man running this went to places with desperate, vulnerable people, and grabbed them for this. Told them it's for the kids. Gave them just a little something to make it "worth it". Because in a world where no one will give you anything, that something seems like everything. This man made thousands that night, and these people made twenty bucks. But it's for the kids, right?

I told a man about my art, and I wasn't very confident about it. Told him I was in college, but I wasn't that great. And he told me some of the most sobering advice of my life. "If you won't believe in your work, then who will, huh? No one wants to look at something you're selling like that." He told me to keep my head up and stay at it. That I was too good for this place. I can't remember his name nor face, but I hope he's alright. He also homoerotically shared a cigarette with another dude. Anyway, paintballs hurt eventually, turns out. I was out there from 6 until midnight! So I feel like death, but at this point I would have suffered for nothing if I tapped out. So continue on until we're finally told that we're done. Yay! We pile into the van, but we don't have a lot of room. So I'm shoved into the floorboard. Also the door wouldn't close for some reason, so we were zooming down this mountain while I was LITERALLY eating dust. We get down there. Then, the man tells us we actually have another one. Go back up the hill. GREAT... We, the zombies, all groan and go back up the hill. We conclude our prolonged suffering, and we go back down. I am handed 40 dollars in cash by that wicked, wicked man. He smiles at me like the devil and says, "Good job out there! Think you'll come next weekend?" Politely, I kind of half shrug and say, "Maybe, I do need the money. I'll try!" And the worst part? I earnestly meant that. So I walk towards my car, and I'm chatting with this lady. Notably, we had to park across a field from the actual place. There's a large ditch on the side of the road for most of it. To avoid tripping into the ditch, I walk in it right? I then trip on nothing. "I think I sprained my ankle," I say, not realizing I broke it until months later. I hobble to my car. Text my friends in despair. They offer me a home cooked meal of some type of pasta. Maybe it was worth it after all. The moral of the story? DON'T GO ON INDEED AT 2 AM.

Funnily enough this is how I got the job as a Zombie. Worst. Gig. Of. My. Life. Initially pitched as a "Zombie Hayride" sorta deal. I think, "Okay, I'm going to jump out at kids and scare the shit outta them. Awesome!" WRONG! They neglected to put PAINTBALL on the listing. They also promised 10 an hour but instead it was a flat rate of 40 bucks. See, I was DESPERATE at the time. So I WENT. like a MAN. I WISH I DIDN'T! The address was hard to find, and when I get there it's in bum-fuck-nowhere Alabama. It's a few trailers but in the non-trailer park way. There was a really rundown house and FOUR ARMORED VEHICLES WITH PAINTBALL GUNS LINING THE EDGES OF THEM. However, I'm in too deep. I show up and I get shoved into a really uncomfortable fire fighter suit. Then they throw some rags over top you to make you look like a zombie. Then a paintball mask with an awful latex mask overtop. So we, the zombies, pile into a white van. We go up a mountain and we're told that our job is run between two different spots. Then, when the truck comes by, we thrash around. We cannot dodge or hide or else we will not get paid. "Oh, and also, don't let the boss catch you with a cigarette. One of part of the course caught on fire" Great! Oh! And if you tap out early? You don't get paid at all. I found this out because a kind old lady had to tap out after the first round of this. The manager was asking her "Are you sure? You know you won't get paid if you leave early right?" Awesome! So anyway, we begin, and there's like 20 minutes of downtime between each truck. At first it was kind of great. It didn't hurt, it was chill. Uncomfortable but I kind of felt invincible. In those periods of downtime, I learn that most of the guys there are: A) Getting paid 20 bucks for this and a half-way decent meal B) Are all from a halfway house or rehab This means that the man running this went to places with desperate, vulnerable people, and grabbed them for this. Told them it's for the kids. Gave them just a little something to make it "worth it". Because in a world where no one will give you anything, that something seems like everything. This man made thousands that night, and these people made twenty bucks. But it's for the kids, right?

nastiest trick in the book is getting you genuinely deeply attached to a character whose name sounds fucking stupid in any other context. this WILL happen to you at some point in your life.

MOIST. VON. LIPWIG. MY FAVORITE DISCWORLD CHARACTER. IS A BITCH NAMED MOIST.