I'm a potato

Anthony hadn’t been himself lately. To anyone else, he was the same old jolly Anthony but Ian knew better. He noticed the crease between his brows that presented itself a lot more frequently now. He noticed the expression of relief after they were done shooting a video - not the kind that the others had, not out of accomplishment; it was the relief one got after coming out of a strenuous situation. He noticed how his smiles seemed to grow less and less genuine with each passing day.

And then there were other things. Things that didn’t require over a decade of friendship and an eye as keen as Ian’s. Basically, Anthony hadn’t been himself lately and it was obvious to anyone who cared to pay attention.

Ian brought it up one night when they were at his apartment “chilling”. In reality, there was an air of awkwardness and tension around them, as if the night suspected what they were about to discuss and decided to set the mood accordingly. Ian was sure the last time a conversation between them had felt so dreadful was when Anthony had called to announce that he was going to propose in Japan.

Trying (and failing) multiple times to bring up the topic without sounding overly concerned, Ian decided it was best to be direct. Although before he could utter another word, Anthony beat him to The Discussion.

“Ian, there’s something I need to talk to you about,” he began in an ominous tone.

And just like that, Ian knew why the night had felt so significant earlier. He had subconsciously picked up on the clues all along and his thoughts had culminated in the realisation mere seconds before Anthony informed him so himself.

“I want to leave Smosh.”

Ian should have prepared himself better, goddammit. Because hearing those words hurt. He grimaced and something like guilt flashed across the other man’s face.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, as if to lighten the blow.

Ian hummed but didn’t say much more. They had talked about this once. Years ago. Leaving Smosh. Back then, it was them and a couple other people who assisted them occasionally. They didn’t have dedicated makeup artists back then, unless it was to make a fake wound. They also didn’t have a movie or wax statues to boast of.

Ian didn’t want to continue their conversation that night. He felt too exhausted all of a sudden and the idea of sleep was too enticing. But this was important.

“How long have you been mulling over this?”

“Quite a while…”

“Anthony-”

“Since December.”

“Jesus.”

Silence set in once more. Each man held his breath, anticipating an ugly argument. The tension in the room grew so thick, it was almost like a physical entity.

Ian took a deep breath. “I am not angry,” he enunciated, because it was essential that his best friend knew that much. “I’m not angry but I can’t understand why…”

Anthony sighed and an expression flicked across his face that Ian wasn’t sure he ever wanted to see again. It was gone before he could analyse what it even meant.

Feeling an oncoming headache, Ian massaged his temple gently and thought about what he could say. It was odd because he never had to think before talking to his friend; it was one of the best features of their relationship.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t miss the old days?” He sounded more bitter than nostalgic and Ian hated it.

“I don’t need to look you in the eyes to tell you that. Of course I miss the old days! Everyone misses their old days, nothing new about that.”

“For fuck’s sake, you know that’s not what I mean. I hate this Ian. I hate it! I hate what we have become, I hate that I have no control, I hate that Smosh has become a…a brand,” he spat with no inconsiderable contempt, “and has so many censors on our ideas. This is not what I ever intended it to be and I don’t want to be part of it any longer!”

His chest was heaving and Ian flinched at the last shouted word. Yeah, fights with Anthony, however rare, were always the worst.

“I just really fucking miss when it was the two of us having fun,” he murmured, avoiding Ian’s gaze.

Ian found his annoyance mitigate on hearing that and felt his heart flutter. He pressed his shoulders fondly and smiled sadly at him. “Me too.”

“Don’t get me wrong Ian, I love our friends, I love the crew. I just…I don’t like what we’re doing here. This isn’t us. I wish we could go back to when it was just you and me with our silly skits and lunchtime videos. It’s like we hardly hang out any more outside of Smosh related stuff. When was the last time we had lunch together without talking about any new ideas or business projects? I miss you Ian…” he trailed off.

After a heartwarming speech like this, the only logical option was to engulf him in a bear hug. Which Ian did. And they stayed like that for several moments, breathing in the comfort of familiar arms. Secure. Warm.

“I am such a sentimental ass,” Anthony huffed, his breath tickling Ian’s neck.

“It’s okay. You get to be a sentimental ass once in a while.”

“Mhmm.”

“Look,” Ian pulled away gently, but didn’t place much distance between them. “I won’t lie and tell you I’m okay with you leaving. Because I’ve never done this alone and I don’t know how to. But know one thing, I will always be there to support you, no mater what. I don’t think I want to leave yet. But I trust you and if you’re sure leaving will make you happier, go ahead. And just in case you feel like it isn’t working out-”

“That’d be embarrassing.”

“Doesn’t matter. If you feel like coming back, I’ll be right here to welcome you.”

They shared fond smiles and breathed synchronised sighs of relief. The argument was handled much more maturely than either of them anticipated.

Ian suddenly became aware of their proximity and stood up abruptly.

“I assume you won’t be joining us for the summer games then?”

“No, I’m sorry.”

“Oh well. It will be a tough job explaining this to the rest of them. Anyway, I’m tired as hell,” he nodded towards his bedroom. “You might as well stay the night, it’s already past two.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I have it in me to drive after having this talk.” He fiddled with a thread on his ripped jeans. Ian knew he was holding back on something else he needed to ask but wasn’t sure about Ian’s reaction.

Before he could prompt him to continue, Anthony looked up at him with dazzling eyes and an uncertain expression.

“Do you remember the other thing we never tried because of Smosh?” He asked tentatively.

Ian froze. “You mean…”

“Yes.”

Silence again. They stared at each other with contemplating eyes for who knows how long. It wasn’t common for Ian to have to look down at his friend, but he was grateful for the height difference that Anthony being seated lended him. He felt like he was in control here, the one who could decide whether or not they were about to discuss something they’d avoided talking about seriously for years now.

“We’re both in relationships, you know that right?” Ian said at last.

“And are you happy with her? Because I know I’m not.”

That was a revelation. He had never talked about being dissatisfied in his relationship before. Ian took a moment to process the new data.

“Anthony,” he began, his voice shaking.

“No Ian, please. Yes or no? Are you happy with her? Your girlfriend who just happens to look a lot like me and have the same interests as me?” His words were made worse by the accompanying cold and mocking tone.

“What the fuck man?!” Ian’s temper was rising steadily. “You’re one to talk. Blue eyes. Brown hair. Dog person. Remind you of someone?”

And to his great annoyance, the bastard smiled. Smiled! “Point proven. We’ve both settled for the next best thing we could find after each other.”

Ian was at a loss for words. He knew that, of course. He had accepted the fact that he and Anthony were never going to be a thing and so had given up waiting long ago. But to hear it out loud from another person made him feel pathetic. And guilty. The girls deserved better than this.

“I’m not leaving just because I’m tired of having no control. It’s been years and I’m still crazy about you Ian. I want you. I want so much more than what we’ve got going on now, and knowing that you feel the same way hurts so much because we could have everything if we just tried.”

Ian didn’t ask how Anthony could be so sure Ian still felt for him the same way he did so many years ago. But then again, he was Anthony. Of course he knew.

“I know you’d never agree to be together as long as we were business partners because somehow you found this reasoning by 20 year old me really sensible. God knows why I even suggested that.”

“We were 23 and at the peak of our career. Of course I found it sensible. It’d have been stupid to risk our careers for what could just have been hormones and a little crush. You’ve never been good at relationships, admit it. I didn’t want everything we had achieved to go down the drain because we couldn’t handle a break up.”

“But it isn’t just a crush though, we know that now…right?”

Ian found it very endearing, the hope and uncertainty lurking behind his seemingly confident guise. Anthony rarely looked vulnerable. Ian couldn’t believe this was happening after years of pining. Despite himself, he started crying.

Maybe he should have felt ridiculous. He was almost 30 for god’s sake! He just couldn’t find it in himself to care when Anthony was looking at him like that and strong hands were guiding him to the couch, enveloping him, grounding him, comforting him.

“I’m sorry but you look adorable when you cry,” Anthony chuckled next to his ear. And wrapped himself more tightly around his smaller frame. “I want to kiss you so badly right now,” he said in a rumbling voice.

“But you can’t. I’m not cheating on her.”

Anthony hummed and they stayed embracing each other. Ian found himself drifting off and was soon dead to the world, content in the warmth of loving arms and dexterous fingers stroking his hair, oh so gently. He didn’t hear the soft “I love you” murmured against his forehead.

I've been thinking a lot about all this... What has happened the past few days is something too hard to accept for us, Smoshers. But, he had a reason why he did it: He was not happy. I couldn't bear to see him being miserable. And if we are true fans, we have to support him, no matter what he decides.