void

It genuinely brings me so much comfort to present and refer to myself as dumb. Ever since I embraced that, a lot of my anxiety around being perceived by others has dissolved. As a "former gifted kid" (aka I could read and am probably autistic), being labelled as intelligent my whole felt like a lot of pressure and expectation. Expected to get the highest score, expected to have interesting ideas and sophisticated interests, expected to go far and do big things. To reject those ideals in my adulthood is so freeing. So when your instinct is to tell me "oh no, you're not stupid, don't say that about yourself!" Refrain. Let me have this. I don't care as to what degree it is true. It's all relative anyway. I'm perfectly comfortable being the dumb one.

Feeling comfortable in my spite again.

I used to romanticise things. Former dreamer.

Someone would have to be pretty fucking special for me to give a shit.

furiously protecting my peace.

You know the worst thing is when I was a teenager and I was "shipping" phan and I felt it in my bones that they were secretly together, I never once considered that to be a negative experience for them. I never considered that they were suffering or that the secret relationship was burdensome. It always felt like a "they're not telling us" rather than a "they can't tell us". I thought they were entirely just happy and comfortable behind closed doors. With an adult lens and hindsight, knowing what i know now about Dan's internalised homophobia, like of course it was an awful experience for them. But it was just something for 14 year old me to giggle about. It makes me feel sick now. I'm glad we're all on the other side of it.

The world could end and I wouldn't feel it.

pimples. single. body hurts. gaining weight and the diet suckkks. another appointment. my therapist cancelled on me again. can't see my bedroom floor. my watch keeps telling me ive had "fair sleep" and im in for a "rough day". work, rot, repeat. never going to move out in this economy. didn't I just wash my hair? wake up to my alarm but stay in bed until im late. since when did playing video games start sounding exhausting? Milk expired. And I'm bleeding. And I'm out of meds. Laundry is a neverending cycle. Just keep it together. Just get through this day. Just get through this hour. Count down each second. Is 7:30pm too early to go to bed? Awake until 2am anyway. Just bought another pair of shoes. I have nowhere to put my shoes. I need to move out. Not in this economy. Ugh, I only worked two shifts this week. Ugh, they're calling me in for more shifts this week. My dog is going to die one day. Wait, did I take my meds? Did I take the bins out? I think I've had too much caffeine. My life is ending. Never mind, I don't care anymore. I wish everyone would leave me alone. I want someone to love. Damn, another pimple?

body is tea? girl body is hotdog water.