Insecurities

So you’ve just relapsed. I’m so sorry you’ve had to feel this pain again, but you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Remind yourself that this does not erase any of your progress. It is not a step back, just a momentary pause on the journey.

First let’s clean up. If you’re in a bathroom flush the toilet, rinse the sink, or bag the trash.

Wash your hands thoroughly with soap, and wipe down your face with a towel and water if possible.

If tooth care supplies are nearby, brush your teeth, floss, and use mouthwash. If you cannot do all, one is ok! Especially mouthwash can be helpful. A bicarbonate soda + water rinse can help protect your enamel.

Now that you’ve gotten cleaned up, let’s get you more comfortable. If you’re at home consider changing into something more comfortable or something different just for a sense of cleanliness.

If you’re not able to, loosen your clothes where possible and take a moment to recenter.

It’s very important now that you get something to drink. Preferably water or an electrolyte drink, but if you only have something else like soda or milk that’s okay too. Get a glass or bottle and drink it consistent deep sips. Try not to rush, but don’t give up until you finish at least a glass or roughly (8oz)

Now what may be the hardest part, picking a snack. After purging many of us want to avoid food completely, but you need to replenish what you lost because purging lowers your blood sugar dangerously.

When choosing a snack try to choose something light enough you won’t get overwhelmed. Things like chocolate, breads, chips, fruit, etc. can be very helpful. However, if you can handle something bigger or heavier go for it! This is not the time to go for greens per say, as they are wonderful but will not help to raise your blood sugar.

Once you’ve gotten your hands on a snack, get to a comfort zone. Your bed, desk, couch, porch, etc. Make yourself comfortable, maybe a blanket or two or a nice chair. Consider putting on a show or movie, or just some music.

Continue to eat and drink gradually and if you continue to be hungry always get yourself more food.

Do you think this is a pretty sight? This is the reality of having anorexia for 12+ years. The reality of what eating disorders can do to your body.

When I was in high school and then in college getting my bachelors degree, I spent more time in hospitals and treatment centers than I did out of them.

And then I found out

My organs failed. Permanently.

Last year, I needed major surgery that took about 4 HOURS, and after that I was admitted to the hospital for a week on heavy pain medications, being wheeled around because I couldn’t walk.

I had tubes everywhere.

I had to medically withdraw from graduate school because I had to spend that time in doctors offices, infusion centers for IVs, in the ER, or admitted into the hospital.

Now I have a 6 inch scar across my abdomen and will be on medications for the rest of my life to help my heart and stomach function enough to keep me alive.

I’ve nearly died multiple times from the ED, but I had never believed that my organs could shut down and leave me to deal with that reality for the rest of my life.

That is not a way anyone should have to live life.

And for anyone that has never been told what to feel for: My mom always said if you feel anything that feels like a frozen pea(depending on size of course) that wasn’t there before to get it checked out ASAP. Don’t ignore the things that are scary, they only create more issues down the road. If my aunt hadn’t ignored it when she first found her tumor, she might still be here today.

Be Proactive. Get checked. Check yourself.