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They started crying and I felt so bad bc they have a history with depression so I imagine watching your younger sibling struggle with the same thing may be hard, that actually made realize I don’t want to leave. But I want peace.

I’m really tired, even if I sleep 8 hours, eat healthy, do exercise I feel this emptiness in my chest that doesn’t go away, it feels numb kinda awkward if you ask me.

Idk what’s gonna happen to me in the future (if I even get to have one) and that’s scary, but i guess I don’t care anymore because i planning on not being here soon.

Im just aware that there’s no future for me, which is funny cuz when people used to talk about the future, I used to picture myself going to college, getting married, and retiring. Now I don’t see anything and as I’m getting closer all I can see in blank, nothing at all.

Is not gonna be soon tho. I don’t have an specific date for it, or how I would do it, sometimes i feel bad because of my decision I won’t get to see my sister get married, and I’ll put my family through grief, but if there’s nothing for me here, why would I stay?. I know I’ll do it after graduation, I at least wanna have that moment I been looking forward to since I was a baby.

One of the things that made me realize and reinforce my decision was when I was asked by a friend what I’m gonna do in the future, like what are my plans for life and I genuinely didn’t know how to answer that question which made me feel and look stupid, when I was a kid I used to change my mind every time when adults asked me that question because I wanted to do a lot but now I don’t even know what’s gonna happen to me.

I hope that if you feeling like me you have the opportunity to reach out for help.

I just want this to end, I don’t think I’m a bad person yk, I don’t know what I have done to end up like this, to get the treatment I’m receiving

Since I was little I was always told that I was fat, not in that way though but more like “you’re so big!” Kinda way, I actually didn’t though much about it until I hit 11 i started to see a pattern, girls were asked to be friends with people because how they looked, so realizing I’m not pretty I had to be funny, so that’s how I pasted through middle school, now being in high school it just worse every girl I see is so skinny and pretty looking happy and rainbows and pink and whatever, like clear skin and everything while I literally got asked today what happened to my face, is not my fucking fault that I have acne bitch.

Anyways, growing up fat sucked and being fat in general, I’m fat and I probably gonna be fat for the rest of my life, I have tried diets, workouts, those “cleaner smoothies” EVERYTHING. and I’m still fat, whenever I feel pretty I remember the frase “lipstick on a pig” and bro that’s literally me, like no joke. I try to play cool sometimes like I don’t care or like I’m confident of my self but yet here I am writing this out on a way to stop crying in front on my mirror with Pinterest open.

And don’t make me start with the typical situation where a skinny bitch says “I’m soy fat rn” or “ I gain so much weight” bitch you literally have peppa pig besides you rn and you calling yourself fat ?!

I feel behind and unseen. I’m the youngest in a family of four. People often think I’m spoiled, and in some ways, I was. However, I’ve always felt out of place, even in my own home. I often think I don’t know as much as they do. I used to view my sister as the perfect person, and I realize that was my own fault; I shouldn’t have put such high expectations on her. I thought my sister and I were close, but now I see I was just attached to the idea of her. I don’t feel like I really know her at all, and it’s frustrating because I always share everything with her, yet she doesn’t seem to trust me as much.

Since the moment I moved, I had to learn how to be alone. I can’t rely on my mom because she isn’t around much, and she doesn’t really listen when I try to talk. My dad is caring, I won’t lie, but when I try to discuss my feelings with him, he just brushes them off, as if I hadn’t said anything at all. I moved here when I was 14, faced a new language, a new environment, and started my freshman year. I like to think that freshman year wasn’t terrible, but I felt so alone. I had no friends, and when I wasn’t eating with my Spanish teacher, I was in the bathroom crying about how much I missed my friends and my life back home. Just a year before, I would have been laughing and talking with my friends during recess.