Inhalare-Exhalare

Eyyyy. Been a while. Longer. Haha What can I say. I'm pretty much more in touch with my emotions thus far. I can still cry, but I embrace it with love as long as I remember to take another leap of faith. Must always keep on taking the leap of faith. I mentioned crying but I've also never been this freely happy and sociable in my life. And by sociable, don't imagine me being a total party extrovert. I mean actually sociable in my own way. I genuinely listen and get to know people now. I take initiative, I react, I share. Indirectly or directly. The monsters don't really go away, but I figured they never really were monsters anyway. Shadows are just necessary counterparts of light. They are my friends. And I am whole. Right now? I'm thinking about Ira and Moira, and Zenith and Ysa. Couples, just like the typical, who fight aggressively often and seem to have maladjusted ways of coping (drinking, escapism, revenge). Karu and I don't seem to have the same dynamics. I'm not sure whether that's because we have greater degrees of psychopathy (meaning, by having lower sensitivity to emotions, we prefer to rely on logic), or it's because each of us prefer to keep having an open mindset (since we both have pursuit of truth and awareness of limitations, we try not to assume things and talk calmly about matters and willingly find ways to understand them deeply before taking action). If we get a child, we probably should let him/her have autonomy to discover things and learn things. Anyway. I'm still contemplating whether or not to continue this second blog of mine. The first was for fun stuff, daylight thoughts. This was for nonacceptance of childhood separation anxiety, nighttime stuff. Now that they're converging... Shall I start anew one, or keep this up? This contemplation arose from how I felt kinda sad today that I officially got expelled from this part-time translation job. I didn't make the quality standard. Never was good at Filipino. I started remembering though, after thinking how much space I have open from just taking off from the part-time job, that I never planned to be fluent in the local language. English has always been my love and childhood, and I vowed not to venture to other languages until I have reached a certain level of comfort and mastery in the current one (which I haven't. I want to at least be able to make articles or essays with good informational flow and style). So there. I'm planning to write on journals again for that. To hone my writing fluency. Hm. Maybe I should start a new and different journal hahaha It's sad because even though it's from a group/activity that I don't particularly love, it's still rejection. But it's nice because I wouldn't have noticed that I started taking the job for the sake of money. Now, I have lots of free time to invest in my actual ideal skill set.

2019-04-17 23:00 Philippines Wednesday

Update: https://disabled-disposition.tumblr.com/

I’m so back on my feet that I forgot to type an entry about it HAHAHA

But forget it. I’ll just give you some writing I did on my notebook. Ink and paper fit me better.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all happy-happy everyday. I still get lonely sometimes, and I fail a lot of times. But I find it easier to accept them and move on now.

It’s so hard to keep believing in people’s capability to change. But I wrote stuff. Check this out!

I feel hurt

When you misunderstand me

With those eyes full of pity

But I think I feel more hurt

That I judged myself first

Otherwise why would your worst words matter

If I didn’t already think it

I think I should embrace myself better

That’s right, just wear my shoes on

It doesn’t matter what weather

My story’s something that I stand for

I stand for world peace, not just sorrow

I stand for truth, I stand for childhood dreams, and

I stand for tomorrow

I was able to word out better now to Nynaeve the reason why I stopped going to MGC, my latest church. This was what I was trying to tell Dolly, and I have just now reached this level where I can express the thoughts better:

I just suddenly woke up to a dilemma one day.

Joining one group, one small organization among many others, would only give me space to discriminate.

I don't have anything against each existing organization. It's definitely good to try and make something grow, together. In fact, this activity does nothing but help people grow individually too. But it’s not for me.

My problem is that it's not exactly aligning with what I'm searching for in life.

Joining a group necessarily creates the concept of "others". Being inside means there's an "outside," and having such a thing as inclusivity necessarily creates an exclusivity.

And I don't want that.

I want to belong to the Big. Bigger and bigger.

I wanna be like Gandhi or something. Someone who freely explores everything. Someone who is firm in his own beliefs, but is humble enough and wonder-stricken enough to not claim what is absolute universal truth. It drives him to go around and explore other beliefs and systems and learn them and suggest things that can improve theirs and his own.

I'm the type of person who wants to be loyal and wants to be committed at 100%. But commitment for a church, or any organization really, means using all your time for them. Just them. I don't want that. I want to use more of my time exploring.

Understanding as much as I can across different cultures, different values, different beliefs, different perspectives, different stories.

I believe all have truth that can be paralleled together to piece a bigger truth.

What I fear is that I might become what I call a floater.

Someone who doesn't believe in anything. Someone who just gets carried away by the currents. Someone indecisive.

But no. As long is my pursuit is always truth, I believe the way will always be clear, even if I may not understand it in my level of intelligence.

I have other senses that I can put to use to understand such difficult things.

I also have pen and paper.

I have a great will to be and to do all these things, but there is at least one obstacle that I think I will continue to face every single time I meet new sets of culture, tradition, and belief: I have developed this irrational fear of being chained down.

I have this fear of being beat up for the sake of control (meaning loss of freedom, which was the whole point of the pursuit for truth).

I know I am not alone in facing this fear, but I feel it so strongly and it is also very sneaky. Sigh. :) Leap of faith. It’s always a leap of faith.

2019-03-25 05:25 Philippines Monday

To Karu:

I think I just got overexcited when you came, and I wasn't expecting you. We both had a lot of stories to tell, so thank you for being the better man and lending me most of the time to tell my unpolished storytelling! XD

With some additional mental work, I think I can learn to keep the balance :>>>>

The employment exam results came out. Seems my comprehensive/ analytical skills are very good, but I'm only "recommended with reservations" due to "high" levels of tendency for depression and self-consciousness (they didn't say anxiety).

I was pretty chill with the psychological test since that didn't require much from me (I'm easily more honest now). I was worried I'd flunk the logical part of the test because I don't do tests anymore, and it has been years, but it seems that thought itself proved somewhat a potential problem to hiring me XD

The Dean was surprised, so surprised, that he's beginning to doubt psychological tests HAHAHA

The results didn't bother me as much as it did to hear it from someone else. I'm not completely sure what about that makes me feel a bit heavy in my chest right now, but it's getting too heavy to ignore. 

"You are depressed?" That seems to ring a different bell than the "Oh I'm depressed" that I am used to

Besides, depression would just be another part of me. It's not like I mutated into something else overnight

But somehow

Hearing those words from someone else just really

feels so heavy.

Regardless, everyone involved besides the psych interpretation wants to hire me

I’m okay, really. But I somehow feel like crying.

It makes me feel so heavy hearing that from someone I barely know, and to laugh along with him like maybe it meant nothing

Of course, I immediately said all this to Karu, who is ever ready to offer comfort. 

I’m calm. Just... kinda heavy.

What should I name this feeling, I wonder?

I don’t know what it’s called, I just feel a black feather—

it’s a gentle stroking,

all in slow motion—

it looks so light and so subtle

that you can crush under the weight of the invisible.

It seems my capability for logic and critical thinking was so good though, that Ms. Charree went so far as to come down to my office to congratulate me, despite being one of the only two people I have shared the depression part to. To go so far as to say she envies me is... terribly sweet of her.

She’s ever so sweet. “OMG I didn’t know I was talking to a genius all this time!” A genius? Me? I neutralize her praises, a teacher’s praises (I wonder why she won’t teach though). I know I’m not the best in these fields and we just have our own different mixtures of intelligence. As much as I want to brag about them, I’ve met many people in my life that can do better in each of those logical tests. Different people.

I would like to study my self more and will update this entry with the test results after I get my copy of it.

To Karu:

Lobo's been so hungry recently. It seems that I have built a longer tolerance towards my obsessiveness. I think I'm reaching the next limit right now... I couldn't guard myself against it effectively (too careless). So now Lobo feels kinda sad that she couldn't stick to the routine (which would have balanced out my days) and failed to focus at work again today. I couldn't even focus on conversations. I'm increasingly obsessed with project clothing lately. Lobo must nom food to recover. Musht. Rest. And do nothing, for once...

So that was why I've been so hungry. I've been overworking my head unconsciously

[14 minutes later]

I wanted to have banana so badly, but couldn't manage to speak up and the moment was over before I could ask to change my order for the vegetable part. TvT I managed to have a dialogue with Moira tho and got her to smile with her teeth! That's a sign that she wasn't prepared for it muhahaha (Moira seems to be shy about her teeth. She usually smiles cutely with her lips together)

I will definitely pay more attention to using my energy wisely again tomorrow!

I WAS wondering why my hunger levels kept shooting up this week. My obsession got my head overworking and it needed more fuel to run.

Wanna know why there just some authority figures like respected teachers that make us be willing to follow and other authority figures like loved parents that make us feel annoyed when they give instructions?

Because whether we like it or not, we have an internal and mostly unconscious criteria of what kind of leader and when a leader is trustworthy.

I remember when I was still about five to seven that I was almost that stereotypical good child. I followed the authority of my mom and dad because truth be told it was the most convenient.

I get to be praised, I get to be served my favorite food, and they feel happy, so I felt happy.

Whether or not they were reliable or trustworthy, was still up for debate, since I barely knew or understood them.

I know it was gradual when I decided it wasn't feasible anymore (also, we weren't philosophically bonded with each other so we were all practically strangers to each other even until now. It's just us siblings that truly bonded), but here's one striking instance that I carry with me til today.

Came the fourth grade of elementary, we had a housekeeper that I will name as Merry. Now one day, Merry bought the wrong brand of milk and Ma got angry and she fired her.

Merry cried as she packed her things, and I was confused. So I confronted Ma. I wanted to be clear and Iw anted to make sure she was clear of what decision she was making all of a sudden.

I remember speaking to her with almost a voice of an equal. I suppose that was the end of looking at them as authority.

"Ma, she merely bought the wrong brand. It's not liek she did this on purpose. And it's just this once. Are you seriously going to fire her for this petty thing?"

Ma cried. She wordlessly cried. She had nothing to say. I had even lower EQ before so I couldn't pick up fast enough that Ma knew what she was doing was wrong but she had too much pride to remedy it or apologize. And then entered another prideful authority figure.

Pa came, worried that Ma was crying. Now Pa is one of the highest ideal I could ever had as a kid. To me, he was a temple of logic, of calm, and of wisdom. But when he caught wind of the situation, he said,

"Whether right or wrong, we side with family, and that's that! Now, apologize to your mother."

I was appalled. Side? I merely went in to reason. I gave her enough space to share her piece so we could reach the better conclusion, but none of them wanted to participate. Instead of reasoning and understanding, these insecure authority figures instead steered the situation to one of "siding."

And that is the immortal enemy of truth.

That was perhaps one of the buggest days which made me realize my parents were unreliable authorities. I instantly saw myself as an equal. Playing along until after college just so they could have their peace of mind finally, and then my own freedom.

My mistake was that they wanted to plan my life some more, some secure life to the death, one of which I had no say, and one of which they wanted me to side with them, again, without reasoning for the sake of truth.

Don't get me wrong. My parents are the opposite of evil. They've been nothing but kind, generous, hard-working, and comforting.

But to answer someone else's personal questions is folly.

And to be doing so only reveals insecurity and paranoia, along with attachment and protectiveness.

Unfortunately, mom and dad, you can't hide anyone from life. And when you try to hide the ugliness of life, you sweep away its beauty and meaning along with it.

I never want to forget my dreams again. That's what I did in college to cope with their rule over my life. I was indifferent, numb, and all was bleak in my vision.

If not for an unconscious burst of fun, a joke, and Jin, my good friend's miraculous misunderstanding, I wouldn't have remembered:

"I want to be a doctor! Muhahaha" (I was seriously just joking information out of thin air... Or that's what I thought.)

"Then be a doctor. Sheesh."

At that moment, I teared up and I didn't know why. And then I remembered. My dreams, my hopes, my purpose, my very own meaning of life.

And that was a few days left of waiting for my graduation ceremony. I was dead for most of my life. And then I found color and life again. From a little slip of the tongue and a laugh with a good friend.

Wow remembering a lot today.

All this from a crudely sprayed "Don't Give Up On Your Dream" I glanced on from a tricycle.

To Theodore: (yes we chat buddies now. i share my rap poetry sometimes)

now that i heard it, the beat makes it easier for me to remember the song, but when I checked the full original version it was so uhh floaty that it just easily fades into the background. like, i could easily forget i was listening to it if i were doing something else. it doesn't forcibly snatch my attention lol it's too light

and wow when i checked the lyrics wth it seemed to be intentional:

"So I'm drifting away like a feather in air Letting my words take me away from the hurt and despair So I'm keeping it vertical forever elevator Riding the escalator to the something that is greater So I'm drifting away like a feather in air"

that's just crazy

From Theodore:

It just matches

To Theodore:

i know! it's scary how much it matches O.o

From Theodore:

Hmm the more you know

To Theodore:

so many layers of meaning =w= that come by so fast in this world of people addicted to stimulation. no wonder most things seem so superficial. everyone's fighting for hype, because hype sells, and hype gains popularity. at least for the moment.

i think lately that it takes a whole load of patience and painful sobriety to be able to appreciate things truly.

it hurts for me to hear it from my own hero figure's mouth, but everyone, even himself, just wants to be "happy-happy" now and leave all the sensible madness under the rug.

I can't comprehend how "enjoyable" that might be. forgetting some things. then again it might just be my anxiety talking. i like to know things. XD

here a thingy! to give ye some context on what im mumbling about HAHA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNP1x11Z2Ig

From Theodore:

I think in the advent of social media, we’ve become less social

And you can see the effects

Like how people interact nowadays 

Kinda reminds me of ghost in the shell  

To Theodore:

YAS!!

From Theodore:

But I hope I’m gone before the days of people hacking into my brain

To Theodore:

i really don't wanna think that technology is evil because how can an idea be evil?

but if they were to take away the parts of us that make us human, then what would we be? XD would it be for the better? it is one of the ways we can evolve, but i have a hard time imagining a world like that x_x

aaaaaahhhh i want a [peak] retreat where we just lie down in the middle of nowhere and try to visualize what future we'd like to seee TvT

everyone wants change but we see different things and we don't know what is best

it's like we all want change but we don't know what to change into as a collective

From Theodore:

Hive mind

Haha

To Theodore:

HAHAHA that would be so much more convenient. but we humans are too proud of our individuality

We like to have something we can call an "I"

aaand we segue to Kendrick Lamar’s “I” song which I will listen to.

I WAS ABLE TO SPEAK NATURALLY TO THE GROUP! I've always been awkward around Moira, Zenith, and Zenith's girlfriend individually, and I find it even harder when they're together. But this time I just casually walked up to them and spoke naturally about food and about going to eat first and about how I'm gonna eat before them since I wanna rest up early!!! I can tell they relaxed around me again.  My outward actions are awkward and experimental so I'm used to being an object of confusion. Anyway, it's just something I thought would've been nice. Eating together. Telling them that was nice. Oh and before all this, Karu asked for my permission (huhu nooo whyyy you are free to be free) to sleep over at Alex's. He needs it so much for recovery from social shit lately. And you know what my mind said? "Yeah, of course!" Weeeeeeeeee I know we all want to be interesting and to sound witty and to act like we're confident, but this is the most vital necessity: Focus on the other person. Identity is relative, I'm telling you. And how much you can care for other people is about as much as you do care for yourself.

Hey, check this out. Nah nothing out of the ordinary has been happening. I get sad sometimes, I embrace it and deal with it, I pick myself up, I study, I write more rhythmic poetry, I talk to people, I have fun conversations, I have failures, I rest at night, I am hyped with my personal fashion, my love life is getting more colors, peak is busy. I don’t get pissed anymore, just the natural sadness. I just wanted to document this since it’s one of the most important hints to my tendencies.

My conversation with Karu hahah:

Lobo:  

tee hee

Karu:  

Hi

I think ur cute

Lobo:

fdnbgdkf

Karu:

Would you mind going out with me for lunch or dinner some time?

I know a few deliciously cheap places hahaha

Lobo:

dinnah!!!!!!!! of course! Whenever ya and i ar fri kfdgndfjkd

Karu:

Yeah! Maybe we can get to know each other :) I think you're a really cool person

Lobo:

....

who're you? =__=

Karu:

We'll get dinner and see where it goes, yeah? :D

Lobo:

O.o ?! why does this sound so weird

Karu:

Kunyari nilalandi kita haha [Pretending to flirt with you haha]

Lobo:

kadiiiriiiii [diiiisuuustiiiiing]

Karu:

HAHAHAHA wow sir

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHA well you obviously aren't but the words take me away but to the garbage bin HAHAH jk

paranoid fucker haha

Karu:

WOW

Lobo:

HAHAHAHA

di lang ako sanay maybe? :((((i dunno would you have talked like that?

[i’m just not used to that maybe?]

Karu:

At least hindi sa Sogo pupunta diba? [At least it’s not headed to SOGO hotel, right?]

I would've to basically most other girls hahaha [as response to “would you have talked that way”]

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHA WHAT IF I PREFERRED THAT jk [I meant SOGO]

Karu:

This is the part you skipped actually [meaning this flirting/courting thing]

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHAHA I CANT TELL IF I MISSED OUT OR IF IM LUCKY

ill never know now

I'm too used to us being rabbits on each other and i like it

Karu:

HAHAHAHA

We'll never know lol

Lobo:

hahahahahahah XDDDDD

though, if it's introductory, that approach seems reasonable enough

Karu:

I used to do cheesy stuff like play violin and stuff

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHAH OH NO

I feel like id get more paranoid like that. Like maybe im hoping for too much and ill end up walking away like i did cedric

Karu:

I guess now it's flute, but whatever hahaha

Ay hassle boss [meaning, the situation with cedric before sounds like a pain]

Lobo:

FLOOT

HAHAHAHHAHA

I dunno hahaha a simple "it's not like we're getting married" joke instantly turned me off. I never felt butterflies again

Karu:

Well, that's not really that simple a joke, is it?

Lobo:

hahaha well it did imply some things, even as a joke XD it has a taste so bad i had my tongue cut off every time we met after that (being cold was my only way left to tell him im done :<<< i wish i knew more ways to do eet)

Karu:

That's pretty harsh lol

Lobo:

Lobo is sowwy :((( I never hated him though. I just didn't want someone as cool as him going around with such half-assed feelings. I hoped to end it properly and quickly

  Karu:

Quickly: check

Properly: x

Lobo:

Hahahahha that's a flattering checklist

How would you do it? :)

I guess I should've talked to him about it, but yea poor comm skills

Karu:

The same way until I start believing that I've always hated the person HAHAHA

Though I guess I would've mustered up the courage to face the person. I dunno

Lobo:

HAHAHHAHAHUHU Why

Karu:

I usually do, but it always feels like I can't while it's happening hahaha

Lobo:

Habits can make or break us, huh :)

Karu:

I guess it's just like jumping off a cliff into the sea. You sorta just do it

Like the moment you're about to shit your pants in fear, you push it back in and clench everything and just fucking jump

Lobo:

Yeah

Problem is, that idea didn't even cross my mind

I didn't think of verbal communication as an important aspect of life then, and I had zero motivation to consider it 

Karu:

Well hahahaha

Lobo:

I'm glad to be finally interested now.  It seems that I have more nerve than most people to say my mind so this motivation is finally able to exploit that

Karu:

Nice! Gonna be good friends with people! And then gonna live like hermits

But we'll keep a phone that we'll check once a day or something

For Peak stuff hahaha

Or not. Has to halp people

Just gonna disappear for a couple of years

Lobo:

HAHAHAH weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2019-03-13 10:02 Philippines Wednesday

I now know why Ms. Dianne is so easy to talk to and there is rarely dead air with her. She doesn’t just give you stories. She gives you her sense of wonder and excitement and humor in life. 

She can never run out of stories or topics, just because she naturally can’t. The world is too big and too wonderful, and her heart too honest to hold anything back.

(PS I’m getting along better with Ms. Len, Charles, and even aggressive Ms. G now heehee)

2019-03-13 12:07 Philippines Wednesday

.

.

.

.

I never realized that I could express myself through clothing. I never realized that I was capable of using speech to, again, express myself. 

Living alone, I am completely flatly practical when it came to clothing and other habits. But socializing gives me new perspectives. It gives me reason to not be pressured, but rather, feel an innate excitement to express something from out of me. To communicate many things I love.

I was so used to a certain way of living that I just never knew I could express myself in many other ways.

Expression.

Identity truly is just relative.

To Gallagher:

Heyyy. I heard you guys are going to some outdoor trip. I just heard your name, so unfortunately, it's you I'm sending this no-bullshit message to HAHA

I'm envious of the fun ahead of you guys but please hear me out for some of the hassles that come with this? Not to ruin your day, I think it's just important to know what goes on behind the scenes sometimes.

I strictly EMPHASIZE that none of this is anyone's fault. NOT YOURS. I just want to express my sadness of having to delay all my personal development projects for so long now. (To explain shortly, the funds I'm saving up for the mentioned projects are now going to this trip that is completely unrelated to its intended purpose)

When people make decisions, it's important to know their consequences. (After all, all choices have opportunity costs. It's our principles that guide us through which are better for each of us.)

It's up to each of us to make decisions we love and make peace with past decisions we can't change anymore.

Well, y'know. I just came here to express that I'm feeling sad. I feel so frustrated how the correlated decisions in the group dynamics of this circle you belong in affects me so much right now despite my irrelevance to it.

That and, I severely despise having people make decisions without knowing the full weight of it.

That's all. Have fun today, and hope you learn a bunch from it! (Also tell [Karu] that he can absolutely do something about his being such a yes-man. He should be more patient with himself) I mean this as a harmless message, but I encourage you to tell me if it gives you a problem or two.

Again, not your fault. (Besides, my funds or concern for [Karu's] recovery is completely a separate matter from you.) I'm basically just throwing out my frustrations here. Count this as a story a stranger could have not told you on an ordinary day in your life that did not involve him at all =w= (honestly i feel better now. i thank your chatbox i really just needed to let loose a bit)

2019-03-10 12:09 Philippines Sunday

I'm still craving for some outing, but I think I'll postpone it with Karu. :) He needs rest.

Also after writing and much reflecting on my sadness, I'm literally up and about again now! I'm back to being dedicated to listening to other people!

I feel so bad 

That my own form is a drag

I didn’t think that when I would make it to the top

My heart’d ask me to stop

Looks like I’ll be taking some time

To patiently wait for my mind

To catch up to what my body knows

Is where I am supposed to go

Of course, this also means I ‘m back on track with better work motivation and productivity. Both the personal and professional.

Focus. It’s a LEAP OF FAITH!

MISSION BREAKDOWN

(numbers indicate which tasks can overlap and which are requisites)

01 - Watch BanG Dream! to understand target characters 01 - Find appropriate felt materials and clothing materials 01 - Find pillow stuffings

02 - Practice dummies/plushies

03 - Commence Nesoberi project

Just noting these things here for reminders and accountability. Kevin’s been pretty down, stuck in the province. He just wants to help Pa with the struggling business, but I think he could help more if he went on his own path. Well, anyway, we’ve established together that he’ll set a concrete deadline of when he’d call the province business quits and help Pa by flourishing somewhere else. Spread his own wings.

As of now, the conditions depress him. In our province, it is quiet because there are little people. It’s really cool there. Problem is, it can be too quiet if you live there for too long and if you live there just for the goal of make someone else’s plans come true. Both of which simultaneously apply to big brother Kevin. The setting slowly kills your social life, and immediately creates an imbalance to your quality of life. It doesn’t help that he has lingering guilt due to past actions that cannot be changed.

He has so much passion for so many things. He has a striking personality and the inclinations of an engineer, despite having the temperament and tastes of an artist. The place is limiting him. It’s such a small pond for such a big fish within him.

This Nesoberi thing is new to me. I only know little about otaku stuff. And just now, I only found out about it from Kevin. He has such passion for many things indeed HAHAHA But it’s fascinating! It’s no different from paintings that people pass around, buying and selling, for the sake of passion. Art passes on hope and appreciation for many things in life. 

With lack of money though, he can’t do much of anything. So I instantly volunteered us siblings to work together to make them ourselves (mostly me of course since I’m the one hyped up and interested enough to learn to sew to be waiting for years for an excuse to finally start learning). Everyone’s excited HAHAHA Energy really is airborne. I FEEL LIKE THIS CAN BE A START. Hope is something we can pass along.

I’m going to learn this craft. Watch me.

haha

"Hi there! I'm a 24-year-old Italian linguist and I'm writing you because there's something I'd love to share. I am now getting over a horrible breakup. My ex boyfriend is German and knows just a little Italian, while I barely know any German, so our whole relationship - and breakup, and everything that followed - has taken place in English as a lingua franca.

This has been eye-opening on so many levels. Becoming intimate with someone who doesn't share your own language is incredibly fascinating. You get to know that person 3 times over - when communicating via lingua franca, when understanding something in the other person's native language, and when observing the other person trying to express something in your own language.

Such a relationship creates very specific dynamics and foundations, and I can't stop overanalysing if and how this 3-language web of connections has played a role in both the good and the bad of our love story.

PHEW.

Major social workout. Initiated a lunch with the Dean Team again.

We talked about so many things again, as usual. What I am proud of was initiating a cut-off when the conversations died and everyone seemed to remember how tired they were. I suggested that we sleep, and we all went to rest hahaha. I wonder if they just couldn’t say they wanted to stop and rest? People should learn to say no, too!

And then I got back to office and initiated a chat with Ms. Dianne and unwittingly found that wretchedly hard-to-find Thailand flight stamp she was stressing over HAHAHA

I shared some tips on entrance exams for Ms. Ces. She’s nervous hahaha. I told her she didn’t really need to do much of anything except relax so she can focus. The exams are more of a focus game rather than analytical. Rather, to be able to analyze things, what you need is focus. She seems to have calmed down. She was surprised to see how detailed I wrote my tips hahaha I tried to make it as organized as possible because my thoughts usually come in bulk.

Ms. Reyna got to hear my passion for writing and how I’m a big fan of Eminem. He’s just so ridiculously dedicated and focused! He can’t write anything but stuff he actually believes to be true. Which is why his songs reveal so much about his life, feelings, and soul. After all, it’s an artist’s challenge to be vulnerable, yes?

And then I delivered Karu’s gig clothes. It seemed like Banks approved this gig as usual without consulting the others, so it’s a bit troubling for Karu who’s supposed to be in the middle of a social break.

I liked that I was able to express lightly/in jest how I didn’t like being ordered around by saying “sure, boss (lol)” and we were cool with it and no bad feeling accumulated because of gentle honesty (sounds awkward but I got no word yet). Karu said he’s just tired, and I said he’ll be okay, and we were okay! 

Trevor and Divad were even there! I chatted enthusiastically with Divad, our topics bouncing happily through social conditions, music industry, and personal plans. Trevor pointedly said that I look like I’m blooming and wow! I seem to be growing better in my social and self lives. 

It was nice because I was also able to hold back from squeezing Karu (since he’s in a low mood) and just lightly touched his sides to provide some love and comfort. I know he’ll be fine. I also demanded, “Hug me!” before we parted ahahaha aww. :) I love him so much.

Divad and I had lengthy conversations and never ran out of dialogues in our whole trip back and forth Music Gear and fuck that was awesome! I didn’t know we could do that. Combined effort does a lot. 

MY SIBLINGS ARE AWESOME! I got to push Kevin off his lazy butt to get proper food for lunch. Nynaeve loves My Favorite Things!!

Oh my goodness. I don’t even understand why it’s still Tuesday. I thought it was Friday or something. My days are getting longer from learning so much and having lots of fun!

I’m slowly getting used to socializing that my writing hands feel that it’s not so necessary to report about every single interaction anymore. (yeah this post was a bit forced ahaha) But I still need to jot down notes sometimes. 

I don’t want to keep forgetting lessons that I already should have learned.

Tips for myself, who might forget this feeling again. Here’s when and how you can be considered to be ACTUALLY, AUTHENTICALLY taking part in the social game:

(1) Be chill. The opposite of calm is distracted. Being chill means you are focused. Chill is the only way you can pace yourself. Being chill necessarily requires that you be true to your timing. 

(2) Be attentive to the people. Watch them, listen to them. Even as you speak, notice their gestures and nonverbal language. This is how you understand them and reach out to them. Take the time to understand the context and content.

(3) Be encouraging with responses and with introduction of new topics. This can only be achieved by mixing your most honest opinions with your best wit.

Don’t be scared. Being scared means you’re too busy thinking about yourself. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU WANT AN “US.”

Don’t try to not fail. Failures are valuable EXP. Rather, you can’t get much experience if you’re not gonna take risks. They come with life. This proves how much improving really means to you.

2019-03-05 14:37 Philippines Tuesday

I CAN LAUGH FREELY NOW EVEN WITH KARU LEAVING UNEXPECTEDLY

AAAAAAA I’M SO HAPPY TO BE FREE I’M SO HAPPY TO SET HIM FREE SO HAPPY SET PEOPLE FREE

Got my first checks from my part-time job!

It was weird though because I calculated that I was to receive 2,022.00 pesos. I got that in one single check, and then a separate 877.00 pesos.

I thought, oh hey, I have a bonus? But why? I didn't get it, and I looked through my documents again. It was smart to print the invoices before coming here.

I calculated right. So this might have been some kind of bonus. I was happy. Too happy for the possibility that my mind went passive. It was a lot more than I expected. Immediately, my mind went through the various investments Karu and I wanted to make.

Thank goodness the bank queue was long. I had time to re-analyze.

I remembered that on the second period of invoice writing, I had attached my first one to it, since I wanted to remind them of it. The invoice forms had dates and batch numbers on it, so I thought, they shouldn't mistake this for a second period payment.

I recalculated, and yes, they did mistake it. The 877 pesos doubled.

I had the choice to turn a blind eye to their carelessness, or return this money that was not mine. This company has enough money for itself, you know? And here we are, sometimes missing lunch.

But again, justice is bullshit. It's too subjective, too illusory. My pursuit is truth.

In truth, I still feel like it's too bad, but I'm not sacrificing my vision for some money. Honesty, remember? The old me wouldn't have cared. Really, I wasn't even feeling guilty at all on the waiting line. I didn't feel particularly happy or angry either when I returned it, and explained the situation to them, but now I'm glad I did. (Also now I know why Nynaeve agreed that I am Chaotic Neutral lol)

Returning the check to them should give them an idea of how they can improve their system.

We define ourselves everyday by the choices we make.

2019-03-04 10:27 Philippines Monday

Had one of the most passionate interactions with Karu! We expectedly unexpectedly had lots of fun and sparkles and shit. Knowing we'll be apart again isn't sad at all.

The space is nice. Adds more flavor, and more freedom.

2019-03-04 22:13 Philippines Monday

I got to talk with Zenith too. Told him that their band needn’t worry. Karu bears no grudges and isn’t even angry.

He just gets really overwhelmed by social drama and such so he usually disappears from the scene to recover from that.

I feel at peace now. With Karu's absence.

It had a flavor of sadness, but now, that's just aftertaste.

Again:

We justify our suffering by rewards, real or imagined.

As a species, we have such a hard time making sense of loss and pain.

Whether it be about going to a cancelled meeting after travelling for hours for it, or having to shut down a failed business after working day and night for 10 years. It's like having a dead loved one. Even in the face of loss, we try to be in control, when most of the time, we can't.

- We're cool. :) He's probably getting a bit better by now.

Also, Nynaeve and Kevin plan to visit later this afternoon. I wasn't excited at all last night since I felt heavy. I'm still not excited, but I'm feeling peaceful right now. I will gladly welcome them home. :)

Why do we think as a species, that sadness is not normal? That ups are but downs aren't? Why is it so hard to accept that we are no gods? Why is it so hard to accept our own weakness, flaws? Is it something society molded us to think, or is it something innate?

Whatever it is, I'm gonna make that change.

2019-03-02 11:10 Philippines Sunday

OKAY.

I WON'T LET MY IGNORANCE ON TOPICS BE AN EXCUSE ANYMORE.

I don't know them, they don't know me.

Obviously, the only thing I can take action on is letting them get to know me. Then we might find a place for understanding.

2019-03-02 11:30 Philippines Sunday

I am game.

I dropped a few lively verbal appetizers on Ira and Moira.

I'll try talking to them after their used to some upbeat hints~

Nynaeve will be here soon, so. 

They, in turn, became slightly more open to me too!

2019-03-02 13:05 Philippines Sunday

Talking with Nynaeve about how new churches might be planted:

I have no idea about the history of Hope (church), so I don't know how it starts

But from Makati Gospel (church), it typically starts with an influence group. I am not trying to downgrade any religious or business concept, but that's how ideas are spread. Social connections.

It's the only way humans can get over their fear of new experiences; by having a familiar face that assures the safety of the activity hahaha

2019-03-02 13:43 Philippines Sunday

Huh. You know, though, Tita J, Karu's mom, texted me if I was gonna be okay all alone for a week day and night. I said yes because my awesome housemates are with me. I remember she had several instances where she clearly expressed how she was against Karu leaving me all alone anywhere.

I remember before that Divad's mom banned Karu from sleeping overnight at their place because she was utterly concerned with how I am his wife and am left alone at night. "It's just how it works."

I wonder if this anxiety I have then is something most people have? If so, that is worrying.

Are people satisfied with just settling with that kind of discomfort with themselves? With that kind of irresponsibility towards their own sadness? They want other people to fill their sadness? Really?

Dammit I woke up at 0800. Even though I slept at around 0300. The sun is too fucking bright hahaha

But it's not an unpleasant feeling. After warming up, I think I'll work on the story~

Oh yeah, since I forgot to respond to Isla last night:

Yea >___< according to stories Pa used to be very careful with relationships before. He claims he didn't even have sex with Ma until they got married. The problem was after. He started entertaining flirtations, cheating on Ma, hiring prostitutes/escorts, etc... From Ma's perspective, it was simply unstoppable. She was so helpless that she even cried in front of us, her kids, and asked us if she should divorce with Pa. But she couldn't. She was far too concerned with her children, and she truly still loved Pa.

What she did instead was she tried to enlarge her heart and re-focus it on something she really believed in for a long time. She became leader in dental association and started making dental projects that she thought could help the poor and made many friends and explored the world and had puppies (that she so badly wanted to have before) and hung out with us, her kids, and not once failed to give Pa love.

She broke down every other day from Pa's impulses, but she tried her best to fix her focus again on her beliefs. She understood that she wouldn't be able to control Pa.

Many nights she was sad and would sneak into our room (parents' room is separate) and drink herself dead while crying quietly. She would open the TV but bring the volume so low so you couldn't even hear a thing. She didn't want to wake us up.

She would cry over the phone talking to her best friends. But she knew life was more than Pa.

You know, when Ma died, her friends claimed that in her last moments she did her best to make everyone in the room happy. She would laugh the hardest and smile the widest. In her wake, the room was literally flooded with flowers from so many friends. Pa is the most charismatic person I know, but Ma, she's subtle but more generous and more sincere.

I've never been so moved in the death of someone. Her death was only sad because we would miss her. But we were all so proud of her. All of us, whose lives she touched. My mother is the most awesome person I know

The place was so full of people, you'd think it was a mini concert haha. People coming in and out, waiting for their turn to go forward and see Ma's face one last time. Sending us their best wishes, and sharing their most heartfelt stories with her... It was strangely encouraging.

(My economics professor at the university raised an eyebrow at me and wondered why my grades shot up AFTER Ma died. I thought it was a pretty insensitive question, but I guess it was too strange for him. XD)

2019-03-02 08:18 Philippines Saturday

I'm feeling glum right now. Not angry, but glum. Karu's ran off again.

And now they need me to proxy for him. I don't feel like it at all, but I know this needs to happen. For our goals.

I'm doing my breathing. I don't like thinking that my time is wasted. It's backwards thinking. Keep changing.

Breathe.

2019-03-02 15:03 Philippines Saturday

To Karu:

I don't know what to do

But I guess you don't feel like tlking. I'll just shut up. Sorry

Please at least eat. I miss you terribly.

From Karu:

I love you. Thank you for everything

To Karu:

Oh you ain't seen nothing yet. Look forward to it. I'm still learning. I'll be waiting for you.

I love you

PS I genuinely am excited to hang with these guys though. I feel so socially thirsty hahaha

From Karu:

You're best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't deserve you at all. Please take care of yourself. I love you so much

You'll be an awesome writer; I know it. Keep being awesome!

To Karu:

I feel honored, but justice is bullshit. None of us get to decide what we deserve.

Who knows. I'm sure to keep loving writing.

Keep moving forward. If you think I'm bringing you down, it's completely okay to leave me.

Rather than justice, I'd rather think of what we can do to make things better. Move forward, yeah?

From Karu:

You're not bringing me down. Pls don't think that

I'll always love you

To Karu:

Remember the last thing we talked about before the last straw with [Ira]?

Humans try to justify suffering by rewards, real or imagined. We have so much trouble making sense of loss. Of pain.

So this is good. Redefine yourself. Challenge yourself. Face your fears. I know you'll find more than what you're looking for.

Thank goodness. But know that I think the same of you. Your strengths and flaws both have only enhanced my personal and artistic development. So don't think too lowly of yourself either.

- (PS that last straw with Ira was the last thing, although not the full thing, that pushed him this time to run away. He's so tired and pressured, I think.

Anyway, the last time we talked was a fun evening! We ate at Chowking for once and for kicks and it was fucking awesome haha. Then he had gig nights where I didn't interact with them, yeah? And then this not going home thing followed.

On the topic though. I notice that the only way to be financially successful in this game that we built as a society is to sacrifice other important aspects of life

Inevitably, that means the successful people suffer. A lot.

But it is exactly their suffering that makes them want more. They feel like they deserve so much because they suffer so much

We justify our suffering by rewards, real or imagined.

As a species, we have such a hard time making sense of loss and pain.

Whether it be about going to a cancelled meeting after travelling for hours for it, or having to shut down a failed business after working day and night for 10 years. It's like having a dead loved one. Even in the face of loss, we try to be in control, when most of the time, we can't.)

2019-03-02 15:42 Philippines Saturday

I'm a bit scared, but technically, there's nothing to be afraid of. In all the times we've been together, there was always a possibility of any of us dying or leaving or whatever.

At any moment, anything can happen. So really, there's nothing to worry about. Our concern should always be, to not take everything for granted.

I think this is the most I've spoken to Banks hahaha Although it's about Peak and then about Karu. :) Still, I think it's progress!

I also got to chat about irrelevant stuff over lunch with Theodore since Karu ran off XD

2019-03-02 16:07 Philippines Saturday

Ira and Job here!

To Karu:

Oh, and don't be lost too long. The music is thin as fuck without your bass. Your bass knows what to do. Don't make it wait too long! :)))

2019-03-02 16:50 Philippines Saturday

Okay, that's enough. I'm full of interacting with Karu hahaha

Just like a good dance, I feel this is the perfect place for a rest to be in. I feel happy and excited being apart at this point.

The music really is a lot thinner without him though HAHAH I like how they practice their craft.

2019-03-02 17:08 Philippines Saturday

Ahhhhh I am shutting down hahahhaha I'm so intimidated. Banks's elder relatives invited us to have dinner with them, and it felt like the typical family reunion I had before. The talk is okay. It is superficial, as most introductory encounters are made. But I couldn't contribute and my mind shut down multiple times. I even got clumsy with my tableware.

I have no idea how to act around them.

I'm back to that Virg meeting incident.

Ugh. Alright okay okay.

Must grow some balls! I think I could open up a bit more if (1) I just decide to push myself on the spot. (2) train and use my voice in private to be prepared

...

...

I'm... Tired.

In dire need of a hug.

It's time for rest, finally. It's overdue.

I've returned to the house alone and took a quick shower and am chilling around now, preparing myself for some patient rest.

The walk home felt heavy. The silence wasn't like the usual. I felt a low buzz of loneliness.

It makes me want to cry, but here I am now, preparing to rest. It feels nice.

I miss Karu's hug. It's been days. Don't worry though, it's not the usual obsessive kind of missing.

It just feels like it would be so much better. This is good.