#chrono7

Eyyyy. Been a while. Longer. Haha What can I say. I'm pretty much more in touch with my emotions thus far. I can still cry, but I embrace it with love as long as I remember to take another leap of faith. Must always keep on taking the leap of faith. I mentioned crying but I've also never been this freely happy and sociable in my life. And by sociable, don't imagine me being a total party extrovert. I mean actually sociable in my own way. I genuinely listen and get to know people now. I take initiative, I react, I share. Indirectly or directly. The monsters don't really go away, but I figured they never really were monsters anyway. Shadows are just necessary counterparts of light. They are my friends. And I am whole. Right now? I'm thinking about Ira and Moira, and Zenith and Ysa. Couples, just like the typical, who fight aggressively often and seem to have maladjusted ways of coping (drinking, escapism, revenge). Karu and I don't seem to have the same dynamics. I'm not sure whether that's because we have greater degrees of psychopathy (meaning, by having lower sensitivity to emotions, we prefer to rely on logic), or it's because each of us prefer to keep having an open mindset (since we both have pursuit of truth and awareness of limitations, we try not to assume things and talk calmly about matters and willingly find ways to understand them deeply before taking action). If we get a child, we probably should let him/her have autonomy to discover things and learn things. Anyway. I'm still contemplating whether or not to continue this second blog of mine. The first was for fun stuff, daylight thoughts. This was for nonacceptance of childhood separation anxiety, nighttime stuff. Now that they're converging... Shall I start anew one, or keep this up? This contemplation arose from how I felt kinda sad today that I officially got expelled from this part-time translation job. I didn't make the quality standard. Never was good at Filipino. I started remembering though, after thinking how much space I have open from just taking off from the part-time job, that I never planned to be fluent in the local language. English has always been my love and childhood, and I vowed not to venture to other languages until I have reached a certain level of comfort and mastery in the current one (which I haven't. I want to at least be able to make articles or essays with good informational flow and style). So there. I'm planning to write on journals again for that. To hone my writing fluency. Hm. Maybe I should start a new and different journal hahaha It's sad because even though it's from a group/activity that I don't particularly love, it's still rejection. But it's nice because I wouldn't have noticed that I started taking the job for the sake of money. Now, I have lots of free time to invest in my actual ideal skill set.

2019-04-17 23:00 Philippines Wednesday

Update: https://disabled-disposition.tumblr.com/

I was able to word out better now to Nynaeve the reason why I stopped going to MGC, my latest church. This was what I was trying to tell Dolly, and I have just now reached this level where I can express the thoughts better:

I just suddenly woke up to a dilemma one day.

Joining one group, one small organization among many others, would only give me space to discriminate.

I don't have anything against each existing organization. It's definitely good to try and make something grow, together. In fact, this activity does nothing but help people grow individually too. But it’s not for me.

My problem is that it's not exactly aligning with what I'm searching for in life.

Joining a group necessarily creates the concept of "others". Being inside means there's an "outside," and having such a thing as inclusivity necessarily creates an exclusivity.

And I don't want that.

I want to belong to the Big. Bigger and bigger.

I wanna be like Gandhi or something. Someone who freely explores everything. Someone who is firm in his own beliefs, but is humble enough and wonder-stricken enough to not claim what is absolute universal truth. It drives him to go around and explore other beliefs and systems and learn them and suggest things that can improve theirs and his own.

I'm the type of person who wants to be loyal and wants to be committed at 100%. But commitment for a church, or any organization really, means using all your time for them. Just them. I don't want that. I want to use more of my time exploring.

Understanding as much as I can across different cultures, different values, different beliefs, different perspectives, different stories.

I believe all have truth that can be paralleled together to piece a bigger truth.

What I fear is that I might become what I call a floater.

Someone who doesn't believe in anything. Someone who just gets carried away by the currents. Someone indecisive.

But no. As long is my pursuit is always truth, I believe the way will always be clear, even if I may not understand it in my level of intelligence.

I have other senses that I can put to use to understand such difficult things.

I also have pen and paper.

I have a great will to be and to do all these things, but there is at least one obstacle that I think I will continue to face every single time I meet new sets of culture, tradition, and belief: I have developed this irrational fear of being chained down.

I have this fear of being beat up for the sake of control (meaning loss of freedom, which was the whole point of the pursuit for truth).

I know I am not alone in facing this fear, but I feel it so strongly and it is also very sneaky. Sigh. :) Leap of faith. It’s always a leap of faith.

2019-03-25 05:25 Philippines Monday

To Karu:

I think I just got overexcited when you came, and I wasn't expecting you. We both had a lot of stories to tell, so thank you for being the better man and lending me most of the time to tell my unpolished storytelling! XD

With some additional mental work, I think I can learn to keep the balance :>>>>

To Karu:

Lobo's been so hungry recently. It seems that I have built a longer tolerance towards my obsessiveness. I think I'm reaching the next limit right now... I couldn't guard myself against it effectively (too careless). So now Lobo feels kinda sad that she couldn't stick to the routine (which would have balanced out my days) and failed to focus at work again today. I couldn't even focus on conversations. I'm increasingly obsessed with project clothing lately. Lobo must nom food to recover. Musht. Rest. And do nothing, for once...

So that was why I've been so hungry. I've been overworking my head unconsciously

[14 minutes later]

I wanted to have banana so badly, but couldn't manage to speak up and the moment was over before I could ask to change my order for the vegetable part. TvT I managed to have a dialogue with Moira tho and got her to smile with her teeth! That's a sign that she wasn't prepared for it muhahaha (Moira seems to be shy about her teeth. She usually smiles cutely with her lips together)

I will definitely pay more attention to using my energy wisely again tomorrow!

I WAS wondering why my hunger levels kept shooting up this week. My obsession got my head overworking and it needed more fuel to run.

Wanna know why there just some authority figures like respected teachers that make us be willing to follow and other authority figures like loved parents that make us feel annoyed when they give instructions?

Because whether we like it or not, we have an internal and mostly unconscious criteria of what kind of leader and when a leader is trustworthy.

I remember when I was still about five to seven that I was almost that stereotypical good child. I followed the authority of my mom and dad because truth be told it was the most convenient.

I get to be praised, I get to be served my favorite food, and they feel happy, so I felt happy.

Whether or not they were reliable or trustworthy, was still up for debate, since I barely knew or understood them.

I know it was gradual when I decided it wasn't feasible anymore (also, we weren't philosophically bonded with each other so we were all practically strangers to each other even until now. It's just us siblings that truly bonded), but here's one striking instance that I carry with me til today.

Came the fourth grade of elementary, we had a housekeeper that I will name as Merry. Now one day, Merry bought the wrong brand of milk and Ma got angry and she fired her.

Merry cried as she packed her things, and I was confused. So I confronted Ma. I wanted to be clear and Iw anted to make sure she was clear of what decision she was making all of a sudden.

I remember speaking to her with almost a voice of an equal. I suppose that was the end of looking at them as authority.

"Ma, she merely bought the wrong brand. It's not liek she did this on purpose. And it's just this once. Are you seriously going to fire her for this petty thing?"

Ma cried. She wordlessly cried. She had nothing to say. I had even lower EQ before so I couldn't pick up fast enough that Ma knew what she was doing was wrong but she had too much pride to remedy it or apologize. And then entered another prideful authority figure.

Pa came, worried that Ma was crying. Now Pa is one of the highest ideal I could ever had as a kid. To me, he was a temple of logic, of calm, and of wisdom. But when he caught wind of the situation, he said,

"Whether right or wrong, we side with family, and that's that! Now, apologize to your mother."

I was appalled. Side? I merely went in to reason. I gave her enough space to share her piece so we could reach the better conclusion, but none of them wanted to participate. Instead of reasoning and understanding, these insecure authority figures instead steered the situation to one of "siding."

And that is the immortal enemy of truth.

That was perhaps one of the buggest days which made me realize my parents were unreliable authorities. I instantly saw myself as an equal. Playing along until after college just so they could have their peace of mind finally, and then my own freedom.

My mistake was that they wanted to plan my life some more, some secure life to the death, one of which I had no say, and one of which they wanted me to side with them, again, without reasoning for the sake of truth.

Don't get me wrong. My parents are the opposite of evil. They've been nothing but kind, generous, hard-working, and comforting.

But to answer someone else's personal questions is folly.

And to be doing so only reveals insecurity and paranoia, along with attachment and protectiveness.

Unfortunately, mom and dad, you can't hide anyone from life. And when you try to hide the ugliness of life, you sweep away its beauty and meaning along with it.

I never want to forget my dreams again. That's what I did in college to cope with their rule over my life. I was indifferent, numb, and all was bleak in my vision.

If not for an unconscious burst of fun, a joke, and Jin, my good friend's miraculous misunderstanding, I wouldn't have remembered:

"I want to be a doctor! Muhahaha" (I was seriously just joking information out of thin air... Or that's what I thought.)

"Then be a doctor. Sheesh."

At that moment, I teared up and I didn't know why. And then I remembered. My dreams, my hopes, my purpose, my very own meaning of life.

And that was a few days left of waiting for my graduation ceremony. I was dead for most of my life. And then I found color and life again. From a little slip of the tongue and a laugh with a good friend.

Wow remembering a lot today.

All this from a crudely sprayed "Don't Give Up On Your Dream" I glanced on from a tricycle.

To Theodore: (yes we chat buddies now. i share my rap poetry sometimes)

now that i heard it, the beat makes it easier for me to remember the song, but when I checked the full original version it was so uhh floaty that it just easily fades into the background. like, i could easily forget i was listening to it if i were doing something else. it doesn't forcibly snatch my attention lol it's too light

and wow when i checked the lyrics wth it seemed to be intentional:

"So I'm drifting away like a feather in air Letting my words take me away from the hurt and despair So I'm keeping it vertical forever elevator Riding the escalator to the something that is greater So I'm drifting away like a feather in air"

that's just crazy

From Theodore:

It just matches

To Theodore:

i know! it's scary how much it matches O.o

From Theodore:

Hmm the more you know

To Theodore:

so many layers of meaning =w= that come by so fast in this world of people addicted to stimulation. no wonder most things seem so superficial. everyone's fighting for hype, because hype sells, and hype gains popularity. at least for the moment.

i think lately that it takes a whole load of patience and painful sobriety to be able to appreciate things truly.

it hurts for me to hear it from my own hero figure's mouth, but everyone, even himself, just wants to be "happy-happy" now and leave all the sensible madness under the rug.

I can't comprehend how "enjoyable" that might be. forgetting some things. then again it might just be my anxiety talking. i like to know things. XD

here a thingy! to give ye some context on what im mumbling about HAHA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNP1x11Z2Ig

From Theodore:

I think in the advent of social media, we’ve become less social

And you can see the effects

Like how people interact nowadays 

Kinda reminds me of ghost in the shell  

To Theodore:

YAS!!

From Theodore:

But I hope I’m gone before the days of people hacking into my brain

To Theodore:

i really don't wanna think that technology is evil because how can an idea be evil?

but if they were to take away the parts of us that make us human, then what would we be? XD would it be for the better? it is one of the ways we can evolve, but i have a hard time imagining a world like that x_x

aaaaaahhhh i want a [peak] retreat where we just lie down in the middle of nowhere and try to visualize what future we'd like to seee TvT

everyone wants change but we see different things and we don't know what is best

it's like we all want change but we don't know what to change into as a collective

From Theodore:

Hive mind

Haha

To Theodore:

HAHAHA that would be so much more convenient. but we humans are too proud of our individuality

We like to have something we can call an "I"

aaand we segue to Kendrick Lamar’s “I” song which I will listen to.

Hey, check this out. Nah nothing out of the ordinary has been happening. I get sad sometimes, I embrace it and deal with it, I pick myself up, I study, I write more rhythmic poetry, I talk to people, I have fun conversations, I have failures, I rest at night, I am hyped with my personal fashion, my love life is getting more colors, peak is busy. I don’t get pissed anymore, just the natural sadness. I just wanted to document this since it’s one of the most important hints to my tendencies.

My conversation with Karu hahah:

Lobo:  

tee hee

Karu:  

Hi

I think ur cute

Lobo:

fdnbgdkf

Karu:

Would you mind going out with me for lunch or dinner some time?

I know a few deliciously cheap places hahaha

Lobo:

dinnah!!!!!!!! of course! Whenever ya and i ar fri kfdgndfjkd

Karu:

Yeah! Maybe we can get to know each other :) I think you're a really cool person

Lobo:

....

who're you? =__=

Karu:

We'll get dinner and see where it goes, yeah? :D

Lobo:

O.o ?! why does this sound so weird

Karu:

Kunyari nilalandi kita haha [Pretending to flirt with you haha]

Lobo:

kadiiiriiiii [diiiisuuustiiiiing]

Karu:

HAHAHAHA wow sir

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHA well you obviously aren't but the words take me away but to the garbage bin HAHAH jk

paranoid fucker haha

Karu:

WOW

Lobo:

HAHAHAHA

di lang ako sanay maybe? :((((i dunno would you have talked like that?

[i’m just not used to that maybe?]

Karu:

At least hindi sa Sogo pupunta diba? [At least it’s not headed to SOGO hotel, right?]

I would've to basically most other girls hahaha [as response to “would you have talked that way”]

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHA WHAT IF I PREFERRED THAT jk [I meant SOGO]

Karu:

This is the part you skipped actually [meaning this flirting/courting thing]

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHAHA I CANT TELL IF I MISSED OUT OR IF IM LUCKY

ill never know now

I'm too used to us being rabbits on each other and i like it

Karu:

HAHAHAHA

We'll never know lol

Lobo:

hahahahahahah XDDDDD

though, if it's introductory, that approach seems reasonable enough

Karu:

I used to do cheesy stuff like play violin and stuff

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHAH OH NO

I feel like id get more paranoid like that. Like maybe im hoping for too much and ill end up walking away like i did cedric

Karu:

I guess now it's flute, but whatever hahaha

Ay hassle boss [meaning, the situation with cedric before sounds like a pain]

Lobo:

FLOOT

HAHAHAHHAHA

I dunno hahaha a simple "it's not like we're getting married" joke instantly turned me off. I never felt butterflies again

Karu:

Well, that's not really that simple a joke, is it?

Lobo:

hahaha well it did imply some things, even as a joke XD it has a taste so bad i had my tongue cut off every time we met after that (being cold was my only way left to tell him im done :<<< i wish i knew more ways to do eet)

Karu:

That's pretty harsh lol

Lobo:

Lobo is sowwy :((( I never hated him though. I just didn't want someone as cool as him going around with such half-assed feelings. I hoped to end it properly and quickly

  Karu:

Quickly: check

Properly: x

Lobo:

Hahahahha that's a flattering checklist

How would you do it? :)

I guess I should've talked to him about it, but yea poor comm skills

Karu:

The same way until I start believing that I've always hated the person HAHAHA

Though I guess I would've mustered up the courage to face the person. I dunno

Lobo:

HAHAHHAHAHUHU Why

Karu:

I usually do, but it always feels like I can't while it's happening hahaha

Lobo:

Habits can make or break us, huh :)

Karu:

I guess it's just like jumping off a cliff into the sea. You sorta just do it

Like the moment you're about to shit your pants in fear, you push it back in and clench everything and just fucking jump

Lobo:

Yeah

Problem is, that idea didn't even cross my mind

I didn't think of verbal communication as an important aspect of life then, and I had zero motivation to consider it 

Karu:

Well hahahaha

Lobo:

I'm glad to be finally interested now.  It seems that I have more nerve than most people to say my mind so this motivation is finally able to exploit that

Karu:

Nice! Gonna be good friends with people! And then gonna live like hermits

But we'll keep a phone that we'll check once a day or something

For Peak stuff hahaha

Or not. Has to halp people

Just gonna disappear for a couple of years

Lobo:

HAHAHAH weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2019-03-13 10:02 Philippines Wednesday

I now know why Ms. Dianne is so easy to talk to and there is rarely dead air with her. She doesn’t just give you stories. She gives you her sense of wonder and excitement and humor in life. 

She can never run out of stories or topics, just because she naturally can’t. The world is too big and too wonderful, and her heart too honest to hold anything back.

(PS I’m getting along better with Ms. Len, Charles, and even aggressive Ms. G now heehee)

2019-03-13 12:07 Philippines Wednesday

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.

.

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I never realized that I could express myself through clothing. I never realized that I was capable of using speech to, again, express myself. 

Living alone, I am completely flatly practical when it came to clothing and other habits. But socializing gives me new perspectives. It gives me reason to not be pressured, but rather, feel an innate excitement to express something from out of me. To communicate many things I love.

I was so used to a certain way of living that I just never knew I could express myself in many other ways.

Expression.

Identity truly is just relative.

MISSION BREAKDOWN

(numbers indicate which tasks can overlap and which are requisites)

01 - Watch BanG Dream! to understand target characters 01 - Find appropriate felt materials and clothing materials 01 - Find pillow stuffings

02 - Practice dummies/plushies

03 - Commence Nesoberi project

Just noting these things here for reminders and accountability. Kevin’s been pretty down, stuck in the province. He just wants to help Pa with the struggling business, but I think he could help more if he went on his own path. Well, anyway, we’ve established together that he’ll set a concrete deadline of when he’d call the province business quits and help Pa by flourishing somewhere else. Spread his own wings.

As of now, the conditions depress him. In our province, it is quiet because there are little people. It’s really cool there. Problem is, it can be too quiet if you live there for too long and if you live there just for the goal of make someone else’s plans come true. Both of which simultaneously apply to big brother Kevin. The setting slowly kills your social life, and immediately creates an imbalance to your quality of life. It doesn’t help that he has lingering guilt due to past actions that cannot be changed.

He has so much passion for so many things. He has a striking personality and the inclinations of an engineer, despite having the temperament and tastes of an artist. The place is limiting him. It’s such a small pond for such a big fish within him.

This Nesoberi thing is new to me. I only know little about otaku stuff. And just now, I only found out about it from Kevin. He has such passion for many things indeed HAHAHA But it’s fascinating! It’s no different from paintings that people pass around, buying and selling, for the sake of passion. Art passes on hope and appreciation for many things in life. 

With lack of money though, he can’t do much of anything. So I instantly volunteered us siblings to work together to make them ourselves (mostly me of course since I’m the one hyped up and interested enough to learn to sew to be waiting for years for an excuse to finally start learning). Everyone’s excited HAHAHA Energy really is airborne. I FEEL LIKE THIS CAN BE A START. Hope is something we can pass along.

I’m going to learn this craft. Watch me.

haha

"Hi there! I'm a 24-year-old Italian linguist and I'm writing you because there's something I'd love to share. I am now getting over a horrible breakup. My ex boyfriend is German and knows just a little Italian, while I barely know any German, so our whole relationship - and breakup, and everything that followed - has taken place in English as a lingua franca.

This has been eye-opening on so many levels. Becoming intimate with someone who doesn't share your own language is incredibly fascinating. You get to know that person 3 times over - when communicating via lingua franca, when understanding something in the other person's native language, and when observing the other person trying to express something in your own language.

Such a relationship creates very specific dynamics and foundations, and I can't stop overanalysing if and how this 3-language web of connections has played a role in both the good and the bad of our love story.