ingolditrust

The self is uplifted by the self; the self alone is the friend of the self, and the self alone is the enemy of the self. — Bhagavad Gita 6:5

every time you hesitate, someone less talented takes your spot. the world rewards audacity and confidence, NOT potential alone.

I don’t know if it’s the l-theanine in my tea and coffee or what but I have really calmed the fuck down. I just don’t feel anxious about every single thing in my life anymore. You know what I mean? Whatever comes my way in a day…….I can handle it. Even like I have a VoC pitch to present across departments on Wednesday morning. My deck is not even close to finished. I’m like OK tomorrow we’ll just put like five more hours on the clock, you’ll get it done. Just put your thoughts on the page carry yourself well annunciate your words you’ll do perfectly….

Reading Jungian analysis is interesting! I wonder what it does to your animus when you have an ineffectual tyrant father. Someone who demands and takes control by force because his ego is silk sensitive and he cannot stomach ambiguity, but does not do anything, contribute, guide, offer structure, have integrity within the home etc. Both of my parents actually each have their way of sidestepping personal responsibility for their stories. But one thing I know is that you must take responsibility for everything it’s the only way to liberate yourself Inviting contrast as the juice of experience. Working towards truthful awareness where contrast naturally is less stark; revealed as sometimes fictitious, all is beautiful. But now the mind is active. I notice that I really struggle with feeling that I deserve and can be respected in leadership positions (at work). I’ve put my eyes on wanting to advance in that way, organize lead and serve but I feel incredibly stupid and vulnerable sometimes when I share my ideas or exhibit ambition. The existing hierarchy whatever it is seems to laugh. Then I have dreamt often over the years of masculine figures attacking me, possessing me, attempting home invasions etc. Like girl. I am your typical “We are made in the image of God, we are perfect” advice giver but I think I do have to do some inner work. Long and arduous. Ordering a dream journal

one of my core life philosophies is the seasonal side quest. last winter? chess club. last summer? local radio producer. this fall? film festival bts. the reason why is that you meet people in person (shyness-approved exposure therapy), you find yourself in unfamiliar fields (good for the learning ego) and you come out of it with such a beautiful and inexplicable deck of cards up your sleeve (work in progress lore)! strongly recommend and the more unlike you the better. who knows maybe you come out of it with a lover, a career, or even just stories about a chapter in this adventure called life.

Honestly girls I’ve had several opportunities to freak out about things lately and I still managed to not freak out and is that anything if not a sign of my growing up

How are you stepping your pussy up today? Think about it