as i pray for change she fills my veins with honey 

& uses my tears to water a frail garden 

with seeds in her teeth,

she smiles at me

an instant reminder of earth’s infinite 

you got in your car / the one that reflected hues of orange /so vibrantly it kissed every median and mile-marker it passed /

you were heading to san francisco /in a desperate and futile attempt to feel anything in those fleeting moments

you missed your flight back to georgia / the one you had been looking forward to for months / we called your roommate / no one had seen you for days, your phone turned off /each failed ring equally as antagonizing

a solemn park ranger found you alone, barely conscious / some say you were bleeding crimson all over your steering wheel onto a letter you folded into the creases of your speedometer / i haven’t heard from you since

i remember highschool / naive and high on rotting docks /overlooking the murky lakes of alabama

we would talk so long that our vocal-cords would fail us / laughing so hard it hurt to even breathe

we used to think that happiness was subjective location / that trauma does not follow you /

blatantly drunk we would lose ourselves in that wood-paneled basement /at the same parties every weekend / desperate to feel something new

i remember when we got those scholarships to go to england for two weeks / i had never left the country before /you fell asleep on the plane / your head on my shoulder

we went out to a bar one night / after walking the countryside / you went outside to take a call / i followed you out onto the street /you were sobbing so hard that when you hugged me / you left an imprint on my skin

i listened as you told me that your life was going nowhere / your chest collapsing violently with each breath

looking back i wonder if you shook like that / alone in your car thousands of miles away from home

i haven’t heard from you since the incident / my heart is blue / i am constantly reminded of you /i see you everywhere / awake and asleep / phantom memories that fade deeper the longer i go without seeing you

i hope you know that every time i see something beautiful /i desperately want to share it with you

in hopes, it will somehow dull your pain / that seems to infinitely pulse from your hollow veins

i only pray that you wake up one day / in a place where you can finally heal.

------

i hope everyone is doing well! i haven't used this platforms in ages, miss everyone dearly...

you wash my hair in the moonlight

where no one can see

your touch makes half-moons in skin 

and the water burns me

when i feel you against me 

i pray for change 

you wash my mouth out with soap

as you vow to become a better man

i let the water fill my lungs  

as i pray to a distant god 

the angels cry to grow a garden 

above the rotten foundation 

bees fill my father's veins with honey

together they offer peace for the 

blood i have lost at his expense 

in 2012 we plant violets in stained pots 

yet they only wither away to dust 

i rest my head on my sorrows 

and dream of a better life

years later the violets begin to flourish 

haziness leads me to the edge of this earth

& begs me to walk off

three sideways steps dare me

to cut down this body

& fall into serine nothingness

as i dream of infinite pools of blue,

life pours from a surgeons mouth

throwing up dissolved emptiness,

the light grows bright

they tell me to slow down and

worry about my health.

time is slipping through my skin,

my wrist resembles wet paper

and your fingernails still make half-moons in my skin.

but i can’t stop thinking about the fingerprints you pressed into me

at a young age,

i learned that the face carries a heavy amount of

the earth would become sublimated without technology-

anger now comes in the form of radio static

as you shout at the tv screen,

reminding me of my father.

the air you used with me to tell me about your

dreams is being recycled.

what a concept behind blue eyes

as you leave your mind to enter a world

unknown.

desperate for attention you were yelling before

you could talk-

a bleeding siren to the depths of your

the light has teeth in the same way

your bleeding heart

was surrendered to me

desperate to feel anything

upon that fleeting moment-

ash, haze,

& judgment pours from my ceiling

with your elbow against my throat.

under your purple hands,

i have fallen out of love

& into a cycle of

in two hours, i will see your casket

paid for by your grieving mother

& her gofundme account.

i cannot write poetry about your death

because i refuse to believe that

a man in the sky would

take the life of a nineteen-year-old.

but he did,

take your life.

your soul is gone

and when the sunsets at rosehill cemetery 

your body will be in the ground

slowly deteriorating-

an oden to a life 

cold nights

&

a dimly lit screen

fall in my hands;

an ode to loneliness

i’ve suppressed

inside my

sometimes i wonder

what it's like to die in the pursuit of desire,

would it fall like ash beneath the feet of humanity 

or be reborn 

like fresh flowers in the spring

slowly growing

i cannot cry

to a god that sees me looking

down at a hole in the earth-

instead,

i’ll sit full of hunger-

wanting to bring them back 

i’ll of watched death wrap her skeleton kissed-fingers

around yet another loved one's throat

w/ the hum

of slowing monitor

before she’s stuck another knife

into my chest

because a god that takes life

away from those that deserve

it most,