Life? Ew.

who knew that so much could change in just four months from punching cement walls to smiling when i wake up and of course i have learned not to trust good things to last long however i would be stupid to not enjoy how good it feels to have a reason to keep keeping on

i find myself more often than not lost in the chaos im thinking a lot you leave me on read or forget what you’ve said im starting to wonder how long do you spend thinking of me do i come up a lot youre over there smoking with friends that you got but me i have none when will this be done everyone leaves but lets see what you’ve got

its the little things that make me hate myself i cant do normal things without fucking up im useless and pathetic why was i born i hate living

i hate myself so much i want to fucking die why does life hate me what the actual fuck did i do i know im a horrible person but i just cant see what could justify how fucked up my life is

update: fuck him i got me a wayyyyy better man 😌

update: ofc he eventually left 🤗

i am constantly reminding myself that i cant get attached to you and every time you hold me close this becomes harder to do i smile and sigh knowing well in my mind if you dont leave soon i will have to say goodbye and im sorry please dont cry but you being in my life makes it harder to die i promise nothing was a lie

when you told me you were leaving my entire world started to crumble my heart fell onto the ground my lungs deflated till they were empty my stomach twisted and turned my eyes had the floodgates ready but i all i could say was "what?" you said you are moving in a month and holding it together was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do by the time i got to the car i lost it i was hyperventilating and sobbing i was holding onto the steering wheel as if it was the only thing keeping me from falling to the ground my mind was moving at the speed of light itself remembering all of the memories good bad and everything in between you fill every important role for me and i do not know who i would be if you werent a part of my life i have never felt the immense pain the overwhelming pressure the unbearable heartbreak i thought i had lost everyone i could but life is funny like that isnt it so in that sense it was eye opening that no one is ever going to stay i know it is just as hard for you "family-reasons" are never a first choice imagining how hard it is for you only brings me more pain and sadness because you fill every important role i hate to see you sad which is why now i must be strong and help you get through it now also keeping in mind always that everyone will leave me eventually

im insane in the brain cant contain all this pain

what do you want where would you rather be who would you rather be what do you wish you could change who do you wish you could leave who would you want to bring who do you wish would come back what do you need to be happy again i have a lot that i want but i am very curious what do you reading this right now want? you can either repost and tell me or message me or tell me through anon but i really want to know because im guessing im not the only one that want s to get away even though it feels like it

i go to bed hoping i dont wake up im here wishing i was somewhere else i want to make drastic changes but i am just so scared because i care so much

if i could have any super power i wish i could have the power to understand why people think the way they do... i wish i could know how they became the person they are today

i wont know if i dont try if i were to fall would you cry i see you smile with others and sigh who forgot to tell me this lifes a lie

i feel like the whole world is against me but i cant remember a time that it wasnt

why are those who suffer the most forced to stay the longest forced to carry the weight forced to conceal their pain forced to live when all the want is relief

its hard to stay strong its hard to keep from talking to people but it has become second nature ignorance is bliss and of course no one noticed no one cares finally

what did i do wrong had you been planning to leave all along i thought we would be friends forever when the time came you pulled the lever do i even cross your mind weve been bestfriends since we were 5 have you forgotten that i am alive to be quite honest i miss you a lot but its far too late you filled my spot