ineffable_swiftie

"Stop being a fuckin' child!"

"Ask nicely."

"Like this," Jimmy insisted as he gestured at them with both hands, growing more worried they were going to tip the chair over.

Clancy finally pulled the phone out of the Doohickey's hand, getting a knee to the stomach as Doohickey shoved him off.

"Asshole," Clancy muttered, sitting back in his own chair while checking the notification that prompted the phone stealing. "This is why I fucked your wife!"

"I just don't understand…" Jimmy tried to explain again, hoping to stop their bickering from going any further. "I feel like you both hate each other but also are still friends…? I think?"

Jimmy had been working with the pair for half a year now, that whole time had been spent trying to figure out why two guys who spent all day throwing insults back and forth (along with various blunt objects) also seemed to spend a lot of time together, both during and outside of work.

"Well, I'm bored anyways," Clancy noted, kicking his feet up onto Doohickey's knee. "You feel like telling a story?"

"Depends on what story," Doohickey replied as he fidgeted with a pen between his fingers.

"Why we're friends, dumbass."

"'Cause you let me cheat of your homework in high school?"

"Oh my fuckin' God."

"You've known each other since high school?" Jimmy repeated in disbelief.

"We've known each other since we were ten," Doohickey corrected, flicking the pen at Clancy's disappointed face.

He moved slightly left without looking up from his hands, letting the pen hit the back of his chair.

"And you've been stupid the whole time."

"We always said I was the brawns and you were the brains," Doohickey reminded him. "What exactly did you wanna know, Jimmy?"

"Uh… I guess just why you guys are like this…" Jimmy said again, aware the answer didn't really explain his question. "I mean, did you decide to join the police together?"

"Sure did," Doohickey confirmed. "While I was in the hospital."

"You were in the hospital?"

Every answer Doohickey gave Jimmy was adding another three questions to his mind.

"Can you explain things any worse?" Clancy asked with an eye roll.

"Right after you killed my mum?"

"No — That wasn't a challenge!" Clancy dropped his legs back to the floor as he reached over and smacked the back of Doohickey's head. "And I told you to stop saying it like that!"

Jimmy was so much more confused than when they started this conversation.

"You explain it then!" Doohickey insisted, once again kicking Clancy back over to his own chair. "If you hate mine so much."

"Please do," Jimmy begged, turning his attention to Clancy in hopes of getting any coherent answer.

"Alright, alright," Clancy agreed as he settled back into his chair, still glaring over at Doohickey. "You do this every time. You just joke about the whole thing and then everyone's surprised when I have to explain it seriously."

"If you're not laughing, you're crying," Doohickey replied with a grin, met with another eye roll from his partner.

Jimmy sat patiently, waiting for Clancy's explanation to start. How many times had they told this story before?

"Jimmy, you're probably to young to have known about this," he finally began. "But back when the two of us had just finished high school, there was this mafia in town. Run by this guy named Albert."

"Ah, grandpa Albert," Doohickey recalled as he leaned back in his chair. "What a fuckin' asshole."

"He was your grandfather?" Jimmy realized, mouth left open as Doohickey nodded.

"That's how we ended up in the mafia."

"You what—"

"I thought I was telling the story?" Clancy cut back in.

Doohickey mimed zipping his lips shut and tossing away the key, gesturing to Clancy continue.

"Thank you. Yes, because he was Doohickey's grandfather —

"And we were dumbass teenagers with no visable future," Doohickey interrupted again.

"— And that, yes, we ended up joining the mafia," Clancy confirmed. "Now, as you can probably guess, this was a pretty bad idea."

"Especially 'cause my dad's a cop," Doohickey added, watching Jimmy get more surprised with each new bit of information they threw at him.

Jimmy could hardly keep up, wondering how two people go from the mafia to being police officers. And, how the son of a cop could have a grandfather who runs a mafia. The whole thing made less and less sense with each detail they added. He wanted to ask more questions, but felt bad about interrupting again.

"And you're mother, Albert's daughter, also worked for the mafia," Clancy continued. "She thought it was a good idea. You're dad, not so much. Then things got really complicated when Albert asked me to kill your father-"

"What?!" Jimmy cut off, unable to keep his mouth shut any longer.

"Don't worry Jimmy, he didn't do it," Doohickey reassured far too causally. "He killed my mum instead."

"Stop saying it like that!" Clancy snapped, throwing the stapler off his desk at Doohickey.

He dodged it rather easily, sticking his tongue out in response.

"That's what happened! You couldn't do it, so mum and dad went to fight in the garden. You shot her, and they both shot me. Hence, the hospital—" he turned to face Jimmy again. "Yes Jimmy, I got shot. Twice. That's how I ended up the hospital, when we decided we were going to be cops."

"After Albert showed up and you killed him," Clancy added onto the end, clearly giving up on his plans of a 'serious explanation.'

"Yes, after that. Then we told my dad we wanted to be cops."

Jimmy's head was spinning, questioning if he could have possibly heard that whole story correct. It would be crazy enough if only one part of it was true, but the whole thing?

"… Are you two messing with me?"

The pair laughed, Doohickey rested a hand on Jimmy's shoulder.

"Promise you kid, it's all true. Can even show you," he pushed back his hair with his other hand, revealing a hidden bald spot caused by a large scar on the side of his head above his ear.

"Woah…"

"Jimmy! Come help me with this, would you?" The chief shouted from his office, making Jimmy jump.

"Ah — yep! Coming!"

He rushed away, Doohickey laughed as he turned back to Clancy.

"Think we scared him a bit."

"That story should scare most people," Clancy remarked. "Any normal person at least. 'Specially the way you tell it."

He kicked his feet back up on Doohickey's legs, leaning back in his chair while sighing.

"He's gonna have a hundred more questions later now, you know?"

"Yeah like why you keep fucking my wife."

They laughed again, Clancy shaking his head.

"To think he still doesn't know the half of it," Doohickey said through his own laughter, pushing Clancy's legs off him as he stood up. "It's cute, the way he wasn't even sure if we were friends."

"Can you blame him?" Clancy remarked, standing up as well and grabbing his bag from under his desk. "Certainly don't act like it."

The pair started making their way to the elevator. Doohickey started leaning over Clancy's shoulder as they walked.

"What do we act like then? Huh?"

Clancy hit the elevator button, lightly shoving Doohickey away from his ear.

"People who hate each other, apparently."

The bell dinged, the two of them stepped onto the empty elevator and pushed the button for the ground floor.

"Jonnie, I'm hurt," Doohickey insisted, leaning on Clancy's shoulder again. "All this time, you've hated me?"

"Fuck off Jim."

"No, I'm heartbroken here. I had no idea. How are you going to make this up to me?"

It was right then Jimmy left the chief's office, spotting his coworkers in the elevator with the door closing. He waved goodbye, only to realize they weren't look his way. They were staring at each other, actually. Really closely, leaning in like they were — oh.

Jimmy blinked several times as the elevator doors shut, wondering if his eyes were playing tricks on him. No, you couldn't just imagine that. He looked around the precinct, desperate to find someone else who'd seen what he was fairly sure he just saw. If anyone did, their faces didn't show it.

Huh…

Jimmy had several more questions about their relationship now.