HB

He was planning on running, though.

"Do you have to be in here? It seems kinda personal." She stares and him. He stares defiantly back. She keeps staring and that defiance shrinks. And shrinks. And he looks away first, shifting uncomfortably on the paper. That's another thing he hates, the stupid crinkly paper on the stupid, too-high-to-be-comfortable bed. The loud hollow thump every time his heel hits the bed on accident. The stupid jar of popsicle sticks-- since when were doctors still using popsicle sticks? He tries to think of something mean to say to Stratt, some bitter venom that will make her regret not giving him the same mercy he had given her. Nothing like that comes to mind. Instead, he's flooded with apologies. Loops of apologies, the kind of that become manipulative and overbearing in their repetition. They want to pour out of his mouth, beg for clemency, so that they can leave, so that he isn't being a burden. And for a second, he understands it, understands the childish voice begging for forgiveness and forbidding that, death. Largely considered overdramatic and manipulative by peers and teachers. But someone used such grand statements as currency for the voice's continued existence. The voice isn't him, though.

The door opens. Like that, it's gone. Replaced instead by the fox that needs to run, to hide, to get away from such brutal dogs. Guanyu enters and Eva steps aside to let him in, then promptly blocks the way again. He looks at one, then the other, and back to Grace. Eva says something in mandarin, and he looks at her with confusion. She repeats herself. He asks a question, and she snips back at him. The conversation seems to get heated, desperate for a moment, before Eva takes a deep breath. Calms herself. Says one final sentance. He nods.

"How are you feeling, Dr. Grace?" He takes a seat on the stupid little spinny stool that all doctors have, except for Dr. Grace, who is not a medical doctor. It feels... condescending. The anger bubbles again, this time up his back and his hands. He swallows it.

"Fine." He lies. It's only a lie because it is not the only way he feels. He feels like a trapped animal, a crying child, angry. So many directions. Too many. He can't identify his own feelings through it. So he's fine, and the two other people in the room look at him like he's, you know, a liar.

"Ms. Stratt says you've been saying some concerning things." The way her says it ticks Grace off. "That you think you deserve to die?" Grace's face sneers of it's own accord. He almost doesn't notice.

"I don't remember saying that." It's not a lie. He doesn't. Whatever lie detector the other two are plugged into rings true.

"That is more concerning. You do see how that is more concerning, yes?" Eva frowns. Grace immediately regrets opening his mouth. Not because he said anything wrong, but because he knows that look. She's siding with Guanyu, which is frankly a betrayal.

"Yes," Guanyu continues. "You do not remember saying it. Yet Ms. Stratt reports that you were distressed, crying, and very adamant."

"Great." Grace crosses his arms. "Apparently Past Grace was dramatic." Eva's expression somehow gets worse.

"You were not being dramatic." The correction comes too fast. Too sharp and soft in the same breath. Grace glances at her and his stomach twists. She sounds upset. Not annoyed or mad, but the kind of concerned he'd never expect her to show. It is still Eva, right? Whatever happened scared her and he doesn't remember it. The silence stretches.Guanyu waits.

Grace hates that too. Doctors (of the medical practice) have weaponized silence. It's unfair. Eventually he caves.

"What exactly did I say?" Eva and Guanyu exchange a look. Guanyu nods to her.

"Eva?"

"You said," she begins carefully, "that everyone would be better off without you. You deserved to die for burdening everyone." The room tilts. Not physically. It just doesn't sound right. Like hearing somebody claim he punched a stranger. The sentence doesn't connect. Doesn't belong anywhere inside him, ay least as far as he can tell. Whatever moment of recognizing a child has passed.

"No I didn't."

"You did."

"No, I mean—" He stops, because he did. That's the problem. Someone said it.

Someone wearing his face, using his voice, someone Eva met but Grace did not and neither of them seem interested in the distinction. His stomach churns again.

"Dr. Grace." Guanyu's voice pulls him back. "When you hear this story, how do you feel?" What kind of question is that? Guanyu gives him a look.

"Just answer it." Grace opens his mouth. Apparently, it had just moved of its own accord. Again. He closes it and tries again.

"Confused." Guanyu waits. "Scared." Another nod.

"And?" Grace looks away. The answer takes longer.

"Protective?" Both adults in the room pause. Oops. That wasn't a normal answer. Guanyu looks confused but Eva is wearing a different expression. A distant one. Like she gets it.

"Protective?" Guanyu asks. Grace rubs his face. Dang it. Fuck.

"I don't know."

"You just said it."

"I know."

"Then explain."

"...I can't." Which is true. Because how do you explain wanting to protect the person who said they deserved to die? How do you explain that the statement feels horrifying to you but to the speaker it doesn't? The idea appears in his head before he can stop it.

Because somebody had to survive.

Grace freezes. The thought wasn't his. Not exactly. Not the words, but the feeling underneath them is.

"You lost focus." Guanyu's voice again. Grace blinks.

"Sorry."

"What were you thinking about?" Absolutely not.

"No idea." Guanyu gives him a look. Grace gives him one back. They stare at each other. Eva sighs.

"Fine." Guanyu leans back slightly. "You do not remember saying you deserved to die."

"No."

"You do not currently believe you deserve to die."

"No."

"You do not currently wish to die."

"No." The answer is immediate. Certain. Absolute. Disgusted. For the first time all conversation, Guanyu seems satisfied. Only briefly.

"Have you ever wished to die?" Grace's heart stops. That's a different question. A much worse one. The room, his head feels crowded again. Not loud. Just crowded. People leaning forward to hear the answer. College. Drugs. Panic attacks. Nights that lasted three days. A yellow blanket. A child crying somewhere deep inside him. A ward of children. Someone exhausted enough to think disappearing would be easier. Not him. Intrusive, late nights in the lab and the weight of the world on his shoulders. A voice that it took years of therapy to quiet, to accept. Maybe him. Not his desires but his fears, the things he was so worried of doing to his kids on accident they nearly forced him to quit. So him. Kind of. The distinction suddenly feels impossible to explain.

"...Grace?" Eva's voice is softer now. Concerned, but still her. He realizes he's been silent for too long. Way too long.

"I don't know." The answer slips out before he can stop it. He knows how it comes out. Frustrated, scared. It might point to a passive suicidal for some, but Eva exhales differently. Maybe he's reading too far into it.

"Well," Guanyu starts, "I won't reccomend being removed from the mission for the time being." Ah. The gut feeling was right. That was something he could reccomend. Eva sneers.

"I wouldn't have listened regardless." She says. It's an attempt to be harsh but Grace can just tell it isn't actually. Guanyu shrugs.

"You'll need to come check in with me every morning." Grace groans. "I will not hesitate to put you into observation if I have any reason to believe you are a danger to yourself or others. Ms. Stratt, I assume you are not opposed to discussing exactly what will need to be done to keep your precious middle school teacher alive." She makes a face.

"That is fine. Are we having this conversation now?" He smiles. For some reason, the lack of specification that he is NOT her precious middle school teacher makes him smile, just slightly.

"If you have the time." Guanyu says. "Though we need to figure it out before tomorrow or commit someone to follow him." She makes a noise of disgust and Grace pulls a similar face.

"Well, if it is this or handcuff myself to him, let's get it over with." No one said that. Literally no one said that, Eva, what the heck? They two start talking.

Grace doesn't mean to stop listening. At first, he is. He's trying, anyway. Dr. Guanyu is explaining something about monitoring schedules. Or observation periods. Or maybe sleep. Grace catches fragments as they drift past. Working alone, hours of observation, so and such. The paper on the exam table crackles under his fingers. He smooths it flat, then immediately wrinkles it again.

"...another incident..."

Incident. That's a... nice word. Concussion sounds worse. Mental breakdown sounds much worse. Grace stares at the floor. The deck vibrates faintly beneath his shoes. The carrier is always moving. He thinks if he stayed here long enough he'd start feeling strange on land. Maybe he already has.

"...Dr. Grace should—" He should. That's usually how these conversations go. Everyone always has fascinating opinions about what Dr. Grace should do. Eat more. Sleep more. Exercise more. Stop climbing on furniture.

...That last one is probably fair.

"...stress management..." Grace nearly laughs. Stress management. Humanity is dying. The sun is dying. They're floating in the middle of the ocean trying to save a species with a magic evil space microbe and several thousand metric tons of optimism. Stress management. Excellent. Someone should inform the apocalypse.

"...Dr. Grace?" He blinks. Both of them are looking at him. Oops.

"Sorry." He mumbles. Guanyu sighs.

"You stopped listening."

"I didn't."

"You did." Grace shifts slightly.

"I heard most of it." He lies.

"What did I just say?" Grace opens his mouth. Nothing comes out. Guanyu waits. Eva folds her arms.

"...sleep?" The silence answers for him. "Oh." Guanyu pinches the bridge of his nose. Eva looks... not quite irritated. Tired. It's giving migrane. The distinction is becoming easier to spot lately.

"Dr. Grace," Guanyu says patiently, in the tone doctors reserve for difficult patients and children attempting to eat batteries. "We are discussing ways to reduce the likelihood of another episode." Episode.

Grace hates that word too. It makes him sound unstable. Like one of those weather systems they track from satellites. The Great Ryland Depression moving in from the east. Expected to make landfall sometime Tuesday. He snorts. Eva and Guanyu look at him.

"What?" he asks.

"You laughed."

"I wasn't laughing." He lies, apparently. Why did he laugh out loud?

"You were." Grace shrugs. It feels pointless to panic about, anymore.

"I thought of something funny." Neither of them ask, which is probably for the best. Guanyu makes a note anyway. Grace watches him write. The handwriting is messy yet compact. Organized. The sort of handwriting belonging to someone who has never once misplaced a document, unlike certain world-saving administrators. The thought lands unexpectedly. His gaze drifts toward Eva. She notices immediately.

Of course she does. She notices everything. Her expression doesn't change. Something tightens behind her eyes. Gone before he can decide if he imagined it.

"...Dr. Grace." He looks back. Guanyu is staring at him again.

"Yes?"

"You stopped listening again." Grace sighs.

"Yeah." A pause. Then, because brutal honesty is apparently winning today, "I don't really like hearing people talk about me like I'm a problem that needs solving." The room goes quiet. He can't even bring himself to care if he was the one who said it. The paper beneath his hands crackles.

Once.

Twice.

Eva looks away first. She understands, he knows she does, if only he could get her to face it. And honestly, if Dr. Guanyu weren't in the room, he might be able to. He stretches, leans back. Stratt steals a few glances back at him. Strange, he didn't think she was capable of feeling guilty.

"You aren't a problem." She says softly. Differently. She moves the few steps to put a hand on his bicep. "But we need you to be safe." He softens, looking at her like this. Saying outright whatever Eva was trying to get at. He cares about Eva, a lot. But theres something different about how Lucy comforts. Draws in, breathes. Then her gaze steels, and he knows Eva is back. She looks at her hand and sighs. "You are important to the mission." He nods.

"I don't want to die." He says softly. Guanyu notes something but Grace is a little caught up in the moment.

"I believe you." Says Eva. The truth of it, her understanding, hides just behind her teeth. "But you understand why I am nervous." He cringes, nods. She turns around. "I will supervise him directly." Guanyu nods.

"So daily check in with me, reduce his workload, constant supervision, minimum 8 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, and no working alone." The doctor lists off. Grace goes to protest, and Eva beats him to it.

"He is too important to misplace, doctor. Surely he doesn't need to see you daily. We can supervise him now that we know what to look for and I really cannot afford to reduce his workload." He looks like he wants to argue, and then remembers who he is talking to. Instead he writes a few things down.

"Fine. Twice a week." He quickly writes several things down on a new page and passes it to Grace. "He is not to be alone for more than an hour."

"Wait, how am I supposed to sleep if I can't--" Guanyu waves his hand.

"Not my problem. May I speak to director Stratt for a moment?" He gestures to the door. There's a moment of concern shared between the two of them.

"Anything you have to ask, he may be in the room for." She says, staring him down. He shrugs.

"How have you been? Asking after you has proven to get me a lot of different answers." He tilts his head slightly. Grace has to assume her blood just went as cold as his. No one moves for a long second.

"...why have you been asking others how I have been?" She crosses her arms.

"Just wondering. Can't have you getting sick, after all, but I'm sure you're too busy to come in if you needed help with something." He says. The look is pointed. Grace doesn't like this.

"I am fine. Tired. Stressed. For obvious reasons. But I am managing just fine." She looks to the door. "I will appreciate you asking me directly in the future. Dr. Grace?"

"Wh- yeah?" He hops up.