I Need New Roommates

"Do you think if Jesus came back in the next decade he would wear a snap back?"

"The puppy bowl starts at three so we have to start drinking at noon."

"Hey, thanks for doing that, but I'm not gonna suck your dick."

"I feel like Shrek in the Whobilation!!"

"Remember when I wrote a eulogy for the lime flavored skittle?"

"Don't be so concerned, it's just a breakfast sandwich."

"I had hot flashes last night and by hot flashes I mean a single hot flash. I woke up sweating."

"All the weird shit you two do, and you think me kissing her toe is weird?!?"

"Can you imagine someone swimming with both your legs moving togeth---mermaid. Never mind."

"Is she smiling? I can't tell because she's got a Mona Lisa smile."

"I just put my mouth on my own birds dick!"

"I have a cheese fetish."