Small Boobs Big Dreams

No, *you* think it’s problematic, I think it’s very sexy when the lover creates a cataclysmic event because he just watched the love of his life die.

Remember: toe beans are the sign of a killer.

Funnily enough, I’m not 100% joking. While many animals have paw pads, the particular kind of soft, squishy beans found on housecats are an adaptation for stealth. Squishy beans mean you’re looking at an ambush predator.

These are the beans of a killer, Bella.

My bisexuality is like 60% women 30% the idealized men I have in my head and like 10% actual men

good god when the mr clean magic eraser hits the stove......

the panties hit the floor

you know it brother

Cant tell you how many times I rawd*gged my husband after I caught him using a magic eraser to clean the pasta sauce I burned onto the burner like some kind of primordial insect

you know what i wish you would tell me

my toxic trait is carelessly getting dressed in front of open windows because if someone wants to look in, that’s their problem

ya i can be your housewifey *burns the hellofresh meal i was making bc i was looking at my own ass for 5 minutes

Every once in a while I think “why do I have all these mental disorders, surely my childhood wasn’t that bad” and then I have an interaction with my mother and I understand.

If I were Amanda Seyfried I simply would have chosen gay Colin Firth to be my dad. I mean what were her other options? James Bond who can't sing? Pennywise's dad? The choice is clear.

Be a bad bitch with a warm heart. It's not cute to be rude and disrespectful. You can be confident, have no tolerance for insults and still be gentle and kind to people who deserve it. This is the dream combination that needs to be mastered.

imagine having money wow i just got chills

my personal curse is the knowledge that I function best with rigid structure and strict routine but am almost totally incapable of independently establishing or maintaining that structure and routine