Indefinable Blue

does not my heat astound you and my light all by myself I am huge camellia glowing and coming and going, flush on flush I think I am going up, I think I may rise the beads of hot metal fly, and I, love, I Am pure acetylene virgin attended by roses by kisses, by cherubim by whatever these pink things mean. Not you, nor him nor him, nor him (my selves dissolving, old whore petticoats) To paradise.

I don’t know how many souls I have. I’ve changed at every moment. I always feel like a stranger. I’ve never seen or found myself. From being so much, I have only soul. A man who has soul has no calm. A man who sees is just what he sees. A man who feels is not who he is. Attentive to what I am and see, I become them and stop being I. Each of my dreams and each desire Belongs to whoever had it, not me. I am my own landscape, I watch myself journey - Various, mobile, and alone. Here where I am I can’t feel myself. That’s why I read, as a stranger, My being as if it were pages. Not knowing what will come And forgetting what has passed, I note in the margin of my reading What I thought I felt. Rereading, I wonder: “Was that me?” God knows, because he wrote it.

I clung to the wrong star, a black star. All my sight, all my love corrupt by one piercing light, a mortal light, an illusion.

Nothing is stranger or more ticklish than a relationship between people who know each other only by sight, who meet and observe each other daily- no hourly- and are nevertheless compelled to keep up the pose of an indifferent stranger, neither greeting nor addressing each other out of etiquette or their own whim. Between them there exists a disquiet, a strained curiosity, the hysteria of an unsatisfied unnaturally repressed need for recognition and exchange of thoughts.

What a shame. To allow man to become your light, for man comes from the stars and returns back to the stars. Man’s light knows no eternity. So for that, our love ends. Every light ends, So come back to me, oh you simple stars. Come back so that I can live eternally.