Deidara: I thought you wanted to be eternal~

*a fight scene later*

Deidara: Danna?

Sasori: 😵

Sasori: what-?

Pain: You're gay

Kakuzu: Pardon?

Pain: You're gay

Kisame: ???

Pain: You're gay

Itachi: what-?

Pain: You're gay

Tobi: for Deidara-senpai!

Pain: You're gay

Hidan: Wanna test it? 😏

Pain: Ew, no

Hidan: Dam okay, rude ass hoe 🙄💅

Pain: You're gay

Deidara: What about it?

Pain: You're gay

Konan: I'm bi actually-

Pain: Still counts as gay

Konan: It doesn't but okay...

Pain: WE'RE ALL FUCKING FAGS!

The entire Akatsuki, besides Konan: WHOA-

Pain: I'm gay, chill 🙄. Oh-

Kakuzu: Did you just-

Hidan: -FUCKING COME OUT?!

Pain: 🏃‍♂️💨

Deidara: HEY, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!

Sasori, working on his puppet: No

Deidara: Do you like me?

Sasori: No

Deidara: Do you want me?

Sasori: No

Deidara: Would you cry if I left?

Sasori: *sighs* No!

Deidara: Okay... and...?

Sasori: *lets go of puppet and stares at Deidara in confusion* And what?

Deidara: ...And?

Sasori: And what!

Deidara: AND?!

Sasori: What do you want me to say! Yes?

Deidara: You were supposed to say; I'm always on your mind, you love me, you need me, and you would die if I left!

Sasori: You follow me everywhere, that's why you're always on my mind; I hate you, I can survive perfectly fine without you, and I'm trying to live forever not die from heartbreak from a blonde, 19 year old, explosion-loving, twink. *goes back to puppet*

Deidara: Oh fuck you! *storms out and bumps into Tobi* What the fuck are you doing here?!

Tobi: Boku wa Tobi! 😇🌺

Deidara: Oh fuck off *goes to Hidan's room to blow him up*

Friend: Kabuto can be smart sometimes but other times he's a complete dumb bitch-

Me: Them smart glasses on the wrong person, give 'em to ShikaPika 🥱

Friend: shikapika- 💀

Me: I'm sleep deprived, my other idea was Shikapple As in a mix between Shikamaru and pineapple

Friend: I would've said albert einstein-

Me: Since his hair looks like a pineapple- I WILL STAND BY SHIKAPIKA TILL THE DAY I DIE

Friend: you do you chile 💀🤚

Me: Shikapple

Friend: shikapple-

Me: Where does Spongebob live under the sea? S H I K A P P L E

Friend: shikapple

Me: Kisame was born in the Spongebob world

Friend: huh-

Me: He left because they were too stupid and happy 💀🤚

Friend: that would make sense wouldn't it-

Me: I wanna make a crackfic now- Like just imagine the encounter-

Friend: do it-

Me:

Spongebob: *gasps* K-Kisame?

Kisame: 😨

Itachi, going fucking blind: 🤔 Who's he?

Friend: I- not itachi 💀

Me:

Hidan: *eating popcorn* Fuck keeping up with the Kardashians, KEEPING UP WITH THE AKATSUKI IS WHERE IT'S ALL AT

Friend: USJSJSKSNZSHW SNOOOOOOO😭😭😭

Me:

Deidara: *throws some popcorn at Kisame* WHORE, UN!

Tobi: Senpai isn't one to talk

Deidara: >:0

Hidan: *cackling* HOLY SHIT-

Tobi: *gasps* Oh, snap! Girl, that ain't your grandmother! Get up out that house! Get up out that house! *jumps on Deidara*

Hidan: OI! KUZU! I need a fucking card!

Kakuzu: Where's the goods?

Hidan: What fucking goods?

Kakuzu: Where's my money? You want the drugs you gotta gimme my money

Hidan: I-, JUST GIMME THE CARD!

Kakuzu: *rolls his eyes and gives him a card* Fine but you owe me

Deidara: I need a card too

Kakuzu: You want the drugs you gotta gimme my mons

Deidara: I'll pay you back!

Kakuzu: ...Fine

~5 minutes later~

Hidan: Give me a goddammed card!

Itachi: That's my glasses lens cleaner...

Deidara, staring at him: I'm sorry what?

Itachi: Ya...

Deidara, while laughing: HOLY SHIT

Kisame: It actually smells really good

Konan: gets really angry

Deidara: basically flirts with all the guys except Zetsu then starts to pole dance

Hidan: throwing money at Deidara

Pain, Nagato: crying

Kisame: hisses at everyone who goes near Samehada

Itachi: flirting with Deidara

Sasori: Thinks of ways to kill Itachi

Tobi, Obito: Being a bisaster and blubbering about how much he simps for Deidara and Rin

Zetsu: flirting with a plant

Kakuzu: picking up all the money Hidan threw, basically sober but let Hidan hold his money

[At the Akatsuki base]

Konan: YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M GOING TO KONOHA AND GONNA KILL DANZO! THEN KILL HANZO! Wait I already did that... I'LL DO IT AGAIN SOMEHOW!

Deidara: Hey Itachi~ you're actually really hot hehe~ *starts to pole dance*

Hidan: DANCE PRETTY BOY!

Nagato: Yahiko is dead because of mmeeee! I'm a horrible friend! *cries*

Kisame: Don't worry Sameha- FUCK OFF ZETSU! I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN EYING SAMEHADA FOR A WHILE!

Itachi: *gropes Deidara* Whoa...

Sasori: I'll casterate him, ya I'll do that! Let's see if Deidara likes him so much then!

Obito: Like I love Rin b-but Deidara is just so HSHJABSOABAJS

Zetsu, with an arm over a plant: Hey sexy, come here often

Hidan: Hey blondie! Truth or dare?

Deidara: Dare

Hidan, snickering: I dare you to call your dad

Deidara: Hidan, he's dead

Hidan: No, fuck not like-

Deidara: W-We're all orphans

Hidan: Shit will you-

Tobi: Hidan-san is mean : (

Itachi: You know none of us have parents so why would you bring them up

Deidara: Oh shut up you killed yours!

Kisame: True but low blow man

Hidan: *flips a table* MAN FUCK YOU ALL I'M OUT!

Kakuzu: *counting his money* Good riddance

Hidan: I'M STILL FUCKING HERE

Kakuzu: *looking Hidan in the eyes* I know

Pain: YOU BETTER BE GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP

Deidara: Of course I do or else I wouldn't look thi-

Pain: AND YOU BETTER NOT SLEEP FOR THE FUCKING WEEK SINCE YOU HAVE MISSIONS!!

Deidara: No it's a joke-

Pain: NOW GO TO FUCKING SLEEP IT'S 2 AM!!

Deidara: What are you doing with that toy?

Naruto, with a self ping pong thing: Is it just a toy or an Akatsuki destroyer in disguise

Deidara: You and I both know it's not a-

Naruto: *smacks Deidara in the face with it*

Deidara: *gets smacked again* HEY!

Naruto: *running around* CAN'T CATCH ME!

Deidara: OW!

Naruto: *hits him again* CAN'T!

Deidara: HEY!

Naruto: *hits him again* TOUCH!

Deidara: STOP!

Naruto: *hits him again* ME!

Deidara: I really can't touch you!

Naruto: *smacks him for the whatever time* HA!

Kakashi: Holy-! It really is an Akatsuki destroyer!

Deidara: eXCUSE YOU?! YOU BOUGHT A CAKE?! AFTER I SLAVED IN THE KITCHEN FOR HOURS JUST TO MAKE A GODDAM CAKE?! I KNOW YOU SAW ME MAKE THIS CAKE BEFORE YOU LEFT BUT YOU GO OUT AND BUY ONE?!

Pain: I saw it and-

Deidara: YOU ALWAYS COMPLAIN ABOUT ME NOT EATING YOUR COOKING BUT I ALWAYS EAT IT BUT WHEN I MAKE SOMETHING YOU BUY A CAKE!!!

Pain: I never said that I wouldn't eat it! *rips off a piece and eats it*

Deidara: WHY-?!

Pain: what?

Deidara: THE ICING YOU LUNATIC! Does that not feel weird?!

Pain: No...

Deidara, shoving him a plate with a fork on it: Well at least eat like a normal human being

Pain: *scoffs*

Deidara: And that's coming from me!

Pain: This is actually pretty good

Kisame: I know right

Sasori: That's what we're all suprised about

Deidara: I WORK HARD FOR THIS FAMILY AND YOU INSULT MY COOKING?! GOODBYE ASSHOLES!! *marches up to his room and sulks in his room*

Tobi: Teenagers, is Tobi right?

Everyone: *stares at him*

Hidan: BARBIE!

Deidara: YOU'D HAVE SEX WITH A TREE!

Hidan: AND YOU'D HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE OLDER THAN YOU!

Deidara: AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH A 92 YEAR OLD MAN

Hidan: SURE MR. I-HAVE-SEX-WITH-SOMEONE-OLD-ENOUGH-TO-BE-MY-DAD!

Deidara: I'LL SAY IT! JASHIN ISN'T REAL!

Hidan: *dramatic gasp* TAKE THAT BACK YOU FUCKING HEATHAN!

[somewhere else]

Pain: *chokes on his coffee* I sense something is amiss

Konan: Oh, maybe because Deidara and Hidan are arguing in the living room over what show to watch

Pain: Oh, oka- WAIT WHAT?!

Explosions and screaming in the background

Pain: MOTHER OF FUCK!

Konan: *gasps*

Deidara: I'M GAY!

Hidan: SO?! 1, YOU AIN'T FUCKING SLY AND 2, SO IS ALMOST EVERYONE HERE! YOU AIN'T FUCKING SPECIAL BLONDIE! SO GET YO ASS OUT HERE AND JOIN US IN THE FUCKING MEETING!

Tobi: Why is senpai wearing his short top?

Hidan: Wait why the fuck would he wear Sasori

Deidara: What...?

Sasori:

Kakuzu: You can do whatever you want but away from the base

Hidan: HEY!

Kakuzu, leaving the room: And I won't sew him back together for a while. Come along Tobi

Tobi: Okie Kakuzu-san!