me, never knowing the ease

of her moving away

and leaving me behind.

she asks if I'd like a cup of tea,

purposely leaving out

that she brewed it with

belladonna

instead of my regular chamomile.

though, this belladonna

never puts me out of my misery.

it settles down in my brain,

goes dormant in my veins,

and wakes up

at the worst possible times.

𝘈𝘯𝘹𝘪𝘦𝘵𝘺, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵

within my heart,

begging for a release

in my sleep each night.

all i dream of is you.

though,

the nightmare i awake to

each night is much worse.

(yes, night, not day,

i don't have the energy for that.)

instead,

the majority of my energy

goes to all the things i see you in,

which is everything.

the rest sits with

the betrayal

you've left me here to sit with

brewing inside my chest.

it reminds me of how i like my coffee,

tooth achingly sweet,

(plenty would consider it not coffee anymore)

and how i always drink too much

to the point i start

to panic and become anxious.

and still,

i leave the lights in my heart

on for you,

and the key

under the doormat to my soul.

yet,

you never come through that door,

and you never pick up that key.

and still,

i am always here,

until it has you pinned by your throat,

asking, “any last words?”

“...No. Just make it quick.”

defeat settles in,

the fight is over.

a white flag rises from the ashes