nana

kinda started smoking cigarettes

first to cope, then just bcs i felt

the need for the hit, the need for the drive

to keep something consistent in my life

cause i cant change how they want me to feed

and no one will ask me for a receipt

of everything i bought for my wallet to dry

like a child runs to their mother, cause they fell off the swing

i run into bad habits and meet more on my way out

im not just a punchline, im the whole joke

and being around you makes me sick in my throat

of all the things that i could've, but never said

cause the only good girl is a girl who's dead

and i really hope you're enjoying it

thinking im the fool, a naive idiot

cause i felt it when i was in your car

that in the end it'll end up being my fault

and i really hope you'll get the attention

you're seeking from me, but dont deserve

cause i dont care, but you still make me ill

i dont wanna speak, but i guess i will

im used to it, but still speechless

dissappointed cause i thought it'll matter less

and i hope, i do, its just a test

afraid if i knew, i'd be just lying more

in my bed, i only take action inside my head

im in a vegetative state, i swear it's not dead yet

i only started a fire, just to let it burn

but then the forest caught on it, drying up all the reserves

and i cried, i cursed with the smoke in my lungs

but the trees were sighing, knowing it's still not enough

cause i destroy, but dont bother to build

cause i need more than whatever the fuck is this

but i dont know if i'll ever be worthy enough

i know that i'm still not good enough

to win the fight i've long deserved

cause i come from a bloodline full of hurt

but i blame, and i beg, and i kill, and i lie

i know your lies better than i know you

i believe my delusions more than the truth

cause how boring would that be

have to betray myself the way the you betrayed me

i know the future but cant prevent the cause

and every time i win my brain just presses pause

its contradictory, its extraordinary

im slowing choking out my saving mary

im insane enough in the head

to believe i dont have a future, but you'll come back

you must hate me now, but we'll make amends

im insane enough for that

cause im right, tried and true

i was right, right there with you

hope you remember everything i said

i saw myself in you

got so close to never figuring out the truth

loosened the collar, just to breathe

dove in to understand what's underneath

jumped in the deep end, just to hurt

just to feel the kinda love i deserve

know it'd kill you to have clarity

wouldnt kill me to have more of your empathy

wore my heart exactly on my sleeve

so i knew what to expect when you would leave

i looked for the cure, before the bite

but you held me and i still felt terrified

i dont want you to be the dog that bites again

cause you're starving for my meat but still want it out of a hand

cant strike cause it'll make you weep

cant lie cause it'd break your teeth

i could do whatever i can

but i love you, so i cant, i cant

i think that i've changed

but not enough to stay away from your games

i pick the wound then stare in disbelief

distract myself for temporary relief

return and wander around the scene of the crime

cant lose you if i believe you were never mine

but i believe the most absurd, twisted things

my body's tired from twisting in my sheets

jumped in the deep end, just to hurt

just to feel the kinda love i deserve

know it'd kill you to say you're sorry

wouldnt kill me to hear you loved me

i dont want you to be the dog that bites again

cause you're starving for my meat but still want it out of a hand

cant strike cause it'll make you weep

cant lie cause it'd break your teeth

i could do whatever i can

but i love you, so i cant, i cant

and after all of this, i still love you

if the world was ending, you're who i'd run to

i break my legs, while you're keeping your peace

your fault but im still the one who bleeds

would lie than admit you did me wrong

and that this wasnt all my fucking fault

would die than say i dont miss you back

loving you is like watching paint dry

i like it and hate it, all at the same time

the process is haunting, the ending is hopeless

i put my whole life on trusting the process

i hate being abandoned, but it makes me feel alive

knowing you'll eventually extinguish the light

i chase what i never got, and get what i've always feared

i gave you my all, knowing the end is near

the end is always near

you're everything i feared

i love you and hate you at the same time

instead of crying, i sat down to watch the paint dry

cause i, in my self-pity

with every drop of blood left in me

dont think that i'll, eventually

leave what isnt good for me

i'm not done loving you yet

my body is sore, while my heart is still in debt

i'm not done loving you yet

and if you didnt, you dont, you wont let me

my common sense wants to bury me

but my heart keeps on telling me

that you'll come back and we'll make amends

and we'll become more than friends

again

cause i dont know if it was a lie

but if you still have the nerve to go outside

i wanna believe you're not so heartless

but my friends are tired of calling out my nonsense

cause i, delusionally

with every string of hope left in me

dont think that i'll, eventually

let go of you, the way you let go of me

i'm not done loving you yet

my body is sore, while my heart is still in debt

i'm not done loving you yet

but you dont let me, and i cant pretend

i wasnt done loving you yet

i'm trying to get

some closure, a piece of your mind

find out the truth before you lost it all one night

i know its not up to me to write our end

but i'm desperate enough to make amends

you carry the blade, i carry the hurt

you carry your mouth that lied about the love i deserve

i know what i should've done

i know what i should do

but i accepted it all when you became my muse

i know what i think, but i hate the way i feel

i love the way you loved, but i'd hate it when you'd leave

cause i, selfishly

with no sane thoughts left in me

dont think that i'll, eventually

accept the way you let yourself flee

i'm not done loving you yet

my body is sore, while my heart is still in debt

i'm not done loving you yet

but if you dont let me, i'll just pretend

that i have, but i cant

i wanna be everything you see and nothing more

cause it was the best parts of me, that you adored

porcelain soul with a head of steel