random sewer rat

YES

Almost every single time I have experienced the dangerous, scary, "am I walking away from this?" kind of ableism, it's been some dickhead who's decided to take it upon himself to act like Batman. They usually use the excuse of people who are disabled like me being inherently violent, particularly to people who are less able to kick the shit out of a stranger like women and children.

Sometimes this is pretty mild. I once had a dude call security over at a Woolworths because I was pacing around "looking agitated." Security bloke solved the situation by hanging around near me. Y'know, "I'll just keep an eye on you in case someone else bothers you mate," in other words in case I start acting even cr-cr-craaazier.

Sometimes it is, like I said, literally having someone kick the shit out of you for being disabled in a way that makes them scared and confused. The irony is, when it does escalate to violence, people will tell you that the bloke who assaulted you was likely mentally ill too. No mate. He was just convinced he was an unsung avenger protecting the meek or some bullshit. Our culture is primed to make him feel that way. Y'know, it's the whole American Sniper thing: society is (according to American Sniper) divided into sheep, wolves and sheepdogs. This idiot thought he was being a sheepdog and fucking up a wolf to protect the sheep.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

1. there is no person on this earth who will ever love anyone enough to constantly reassure them forever until they die. they will get tired of it. and they will start to feel inadequate because no matter what they do or say, they're not loving you "enough"

2. even if there was such a person to say every minute of everyday "yes i love you and only want you" there would still be something to be upset about. now you don't like their tone, it didn't seem genuine, they're probably just saying that to make you feel better and they're thinking about somebody else. you will never be satisfied.

When it comes to conversations on environmentalism and taking care of our planet, we are doing a disservice to progress by asserting black and white statements that humans are “inherently evil” and “all we do is take and destroy, we are so selfish,” when the reason the Paris Agreement exists is because we saw what was happening to the planet and we wanted to try and fix it. We saw what was happening with acid rain and the ozone layer, so we came together and mended our mistakes.

Immediately making conclusions that humans are a plague on the earth itself is taking accountability away from greedy corporations that are actually doing the most harm to the earth. Yes a lot of humans are very evil, and some of those humans are unfortunately running the government, but to say they represent the larger species of the human race is reinforcing the idea that 1: You people just want to place blame on a collective group of people like you always do, and 2: You sound complicit as hell in the face of evil, assuming that’s just how humans are and there’s nothing we can truly do.