Endure and Survive.

she sighs, disappointment and rationality taking hold. today's gone so well, the last thing either of them need is a group of infected fucking everything up. this is a cute little shop and, these days, there's not many of them left. ❝ yeah, you're probably ri — ❞ ellie goes to set it back on the shelf when a loud scream suddenly tears from the toy and interrupts her. the hands mash together, creating a loud screeching noise as the cymbals bang fiercely into each other.

" anyone ever tell you not to look a gift horse in the mouth ? " she adds wryly, ushering ellie into her house and shutting the door behind her. probably not the best idea to be plotting so vocally where just anyone can hear, especially considering that the town's de-facto leader hasn't granted her approval for this mission. better to keep things a bit more under wrap or else it's gonna make their escape a hell of a lot harder.

of course, jyn says, as if it were obvious. maybe it had been. maybe it should be. but ever since the lodge, the only thing ellie has been able to think about is that the one person who had proven they would never leave her or give up on her is gone forever. ellie doesn't know that she understands why joel did what he did. i wasn't worth it. the only thing that will bring clarity is blood.

❝ i don't care who hears. ❞ ellie admits coldly, ❝ no one can stop me from going, not even maria. ❞ even if maria told her that if she left, she wouldn't be welcomed back, ellie would still go. she can't imagine jackson without joel and she's not sure that she wants to. still, she follows jyn further inside, watching to see what she's taking. ellie doesn't want to forget anything, and she hasn't been on the road since she went back to the hospital.

❝   yeah, i'm good. i'm good, ellie. joel—   ❞ she coughs. it splutters. tess raises a hand to wave it off. the last thing she needs is ellie focused on her, but what they do need is to sit tight here a little longer. guess it's real shit luck that they shouldn't stay in one place for too long .. all they are is sitting ducks. she knows this. knows that if joel was awake he'd probably be saying the same damn thing too. (c'mon, texas) if only she could summon the strength, if not for herself than for ellie, for joel. being useless isn't exactly an art and it's definitely not one tess is skilled at. she doesn't know how to just sit down and rest. pushing herself up from the cold, damp floor she edges her way slowly to peel the border by the window back just a bit. still clear.

❝   joel's the one we gotta worry about, alright. so, you tell me, you find anythin' out there? see anyone?   ❞ she uses the wall to press her back up against, takes a deep breath. ❝   maybe we didn't search 'em houses good enough.   ❞ tiny suburbia and there's not a single pill jar in sight? bullshit. it just means people have cleared the place out. hopefully people that aren't still around and coming back for more. ❝   there's gotta be somethin' somewhere.   ❞

ellie's world shatters in pieces. first it had been joel, the thin pole sinking into his abdomen with a chant that has a repeating reverb : i need him, i need him, i need him. the only comfort has been tess. tess — who has always known what to do and how to do it. tess — who has watched out for and protected ellie since they left boston. tess — who has fallen ill and some days, looks as pale as joel. doe eyes widen with concern at the sound of her cough and ellie peels the scarf she wears away from her neck, wrapping it around tess instead.

❝ you should take this. i don't need it. i'm not even cold. ❞ the shiver that tears through her thin zip up tells a different story. i can handle a fucking breeze, ellie is quick to remind herself. i can't lose tess too. she looks over to the space on the floor where joel sleeps, his skin an ill shade of purple. she can't do this without him. she won't do this without him, not after they've come this far. ❝ he better fucking wake up. ❞

the fork hits her nose with a light little thwack. it's really the clatter of metal against the table that pulls her from her haze, clears the cobwebs of her mind and lets her focus on ellie, whose mouth is twitching. isa's lips part with surprise, her brows pulling inward. she looks affronted. aforementioned fork lays teetering at the edge of the table. isa flicks it off. it's too loud in the cafeteria for the clatter to really make much noticeable noise. ❝ if i end up with a mark, consider your days numbered ! ❞ she huffs, but they both know it didn't hurt. nevertheless, she dramatically rubs at her nose.

❝ i think you'll survive. ❞ she blows out a low and long raspberry at the mention of her friend, the same mel who had been entirely unhelpful any time ellie had been looking for isa. she's so annoying. she doesn't wanna think about mel, every time that she does a thin crease forms between her eyebrows and it leaves her scowling and pissed off. her eyes scatter lightly, glancing away and instead picking up a baby tomato between her fingers. as her nails dig into the sides and the juice spills out, she frowns, what's going on with isa ?

the walk to their destination is long, daryl can't refute that. things like this were easier when cars were readily available, but lately fuel has been more than a little difficult to come by. so they really have very little choice here— they have to walk, which means that something they normally considered to be nearby could be just around the corner, or it could be miles away.

no matter how far it is, getting there is a necessary challenge only made more difficult by dwelling on how long it's taking. he can't really blame her for saying so, but it definitely draws his attention to the tender spots forming on the bottoms of his feet. at least the early morning fog provides a nice layer of cool wetness to the air before the virginia sun heats up the asphalt.

‘ i'm the one who found it, ’ daryl assures her, resting his hands on the strap of his bow as it lays securely across his chest. he'd spotted it on a scouting trip with aaron not too long ago. in hindsight, he wishes they would have sent a team out to loot the place sooner— now that it's swarming with the dead, they have to be a lot more careful. but shit happens, and they have to make do with the situation at hand.

at the very least, he's sure no one else out there would try to loot it with a bunch of walkers roaming around; they'll have the place to themselves.

threats of competition and of doubt light a fire in ellie, she's been trying to prove herself since the outbreak — show that she doesn't need anyone to take care of her. the last thing she's ever wanted is to be a burden, especially not in the eyes of someone so capable.

ellie is confident she can watch her own back, she just wants everyone else to see that too.

she playfully flicks his arm, ❝ oh i can handle it. can you handle it, old man ? ❞ ellie shuffles, jogging quickly to move in front of him, ❝ what's that sound ? is that your knobby knees creaking and cracking ? ❞ she grins, smug, ❝ pick up the pace ! we can do a mile in way less than twenty minutes, you're seriously slowing me down here, dude. ❞ she spares a short glance at him before redirecting her gaze forward, carefully tracing the path in the road.

it often felt as if he'd lived multiple lives before this one. there were chapters of his existence that he often wished he could redact. though it was all in the name of survival, the face of a girl with less freckles than the one asking the question was usually the one examining his choices in his dreams. speaking of it like a story as he was now almost seemed to be an exercise in perspective.

" it's pretty easy to make an enemy or two nowadays, " he begins. he's walking a dangerous line of perception that might be completely in his own control, but he still finds the words tangled on the tip of his tongue. HE HADN'T ALWAYS BEEN A MAN WORTH TRUSTING. of the few still standing that knew of the world before the outbreak, he was willing to bet that many of them hadn't kept their virtue in the fight to survive.

he just wasn't sure how much of that life he wanted ellie to know. he always seemed to give just a bit too much of himself away to easily retract.

" tess & i, we . . . well, we did business with a lot of people who shouldn't have been doin' business with anyone. " he wouldn't have guessed he would ever look back on smuggling fondly, but the mention of his partner did seem to brighten the memory. " deals weren't always honest. you win a fight with the wrong person, you've got a long line of fights headed your way. " he shrugs indifferently though the weight of those years still show in the lines of his face.

ellie sits on the couch, a blanket draped atop her, her knees brought up so her feet rest flat atop the cushions. the television in joel's living room flickers, playing the title screen of a curtis & viper movie on mute. it has long lost her attention, the endless winding mystery of joel's past demanding her focus. she bristles at the mention of tess, waiting for him to say nothing further, but joel holds in the moment and ellie's shoulders fall, shifting a breath closer to him.

❝ we did a lot of that too, didn't we ? winning fights with the wrong people ? ❞ she traces her scar with two of her fingers, where the beginning of a tattooed fern has begun to bloom. were the fireflies the wrong people ? had they even fought them ? ellie pulls her gaze away slowly, ❝ how did you ... end up in that business ? smuggling things ? and ... y'know ... ❞ she points at herself, ❝ ... people. ❞

there's a million and one questions she has for him, all of it veering into a territory she knows all too well neither of them can linger in. she does not ask because she wishes to put him on trial, ellie simply wants to know how the man who stands before her today has come to be. she lifts her chin, looking over to him with soft eyes, warm with understanding. there is little he could say that would make her hate him, ellie thinks, and even less that might ever make her fear him. ❝ i'm glad too, joel. ❞

emmett has been dead for four days. isa keeps count, is already guilty thinking about the day she stops keeping count, when his death blends and melds into the background of this grotesque, grief - filled life. it'll happen, she knows, because she's already thinking about her dad less. she's already thinking about lydia less. one day soon, emmett will be a sad thought in her mind, a memory she'd like to tuck away. for now, though, it's been four days, and the weight of it sits heavy on their shoulders. 

ellie is  —  different, somehow. not in any specific way isa can place, but there's something a little more haunted to her eyes that isa thinks reflects in her own. when they look at each other, it is a mirrored grief. a shared sadness. we went through this together, isa wants to tell her. we have this, and each other. it's all we have right now. letmeinletmeinletmein. instead, she keeps quiet, keeps her eyes on the ceiling of the run down little daycare they're hiding out in for the night. the rain set them back, and the hotel they'd hoped to find just didn't pan out. 

the daycare reminds ellie of home. of jj. of the little kids who would beg ellie to play with them at the jackson carnival. she dreams of being sixteen again — days where she would sneak joints behind the church and frantically shove mints into her mouth before she could get caught by maria. she studies the mural on the opposite wall, a large red cap mushroom, surrounded by pink and scarlet hearts. ellie rolls onto her back, her eyes wide open, searching the darkness for some direction.

the inside of her eyelids are tattooed with memories : joel's skull fractured and eye swollen, emmett's body slack against the tree, blood rushing over his dead, empty eyes, jesse face down on the theater floor, his mouth frozen mid-sentence. ellie can't remember the last time she's slept for more than an hour or two. the exhaustion presses in on her, threatening to rip more and more of her spirit. ellie feels isa's head move beside her, but she doesn't turn to look.

❝  ashamed ?  ❞   it is the first thing isa latches on to, even though there are plenty of other hurts. it's the first time she thinks she's ever heard ellie so candid, so blatant  —  her anger gives her some honesty, it seems. she's angry with isa. angry she's been avoiding her. there's guilt, there, coiled hot and curdling in isa's belly with some semblance of discomfort. she's been wanting to talk to ellie. she always wants to talk to ellie. but that thrum of betrayal, that weird feeling of i don't know where i belong with her was enough to make isa shy away from it. knowing all this, hearing ellie's ire, she thinks she would've done it differently if she could go back. but she can't, and neither can ellie.   ❝  i'm not  —  i'm not ashamed of you. ever. you're so  —  i think you're so good. and it has nothing to do with jj, either ! not really.  ❞   when ellie puts it like that, throws it in isa's face like she's being unreasonable, it makes frustration bubble in her gut, too.

❝  it's not like that. i'm not ashamed of you, i was just hurt. and just like you came back for me, i came here for you. we're both  —  ❞   isa doesn't know. she doesn't know what she's trying to say, for once. her arms fold over her belly, some semblance of a self - soothe.   ❝  you're making it sound  —  stupid. small. but it isn't, not to me, it hurt me. finding out you only told me pieces of things. it's not like you avoided everything, i know that, but you  —  it felt like you conveniently left stuff out. like it was purposeful. and maybe it was and that's fine, but that stings. i would've rather you just told me the truth, that you didn't want to share it. or that it was complicated. or anything.  ❞

❝ obviously you don't ! ❞ the side of her hand hits the top of the wooden railing with a loud thunk, drilling her point in further, ❝ we were good, isa. really good. and then we got here and you stopped looking in my direction, basically telling me to fuck off and that you want nothing to do with me. i-if you thought i was good you ... you ... ❞ she huffs loudly, frustrated with her own tongue, ❝ you wouldn't have done that. ❞ it feels like it has everything to do with jj and dina. she knows it must be shocking, that the person jackson knows ellie williams to be is unrecognizable to the girl that stands here now, holding back tears outside of a dance. that who she is now is a different person from the girl who'd marched through endless miles with isa at her side.

ellie is a girl in motion, always changing, yet never moving forward. all she has are pieces to give. everything else has been carved away at, sealed behind an unbreakable wall. if the wall comes down, everything shatters. it keeps her breathing, it keeps her alive. without it, ellie looks out to peaks of the mountains and dreams of wasting away in the snow. it was cold when joel died. would a cold death deliver her to same place as him ? ❝ i didn't lie to you. ❞ her voice twists — breathy and angry, ❝ everything i told you was real. i did tell you the truth. don't fucking say that i lied. ❞

she holds her memories locked away in her chest, but some of them have seeped out into isa's hands. those weren't lies, and she's never promised isa that she told her everything. ❝ do you have any fucking clue that... that ... does anything that i told you even matter ? or is it — is none of it good enough for you ?! ❞ her bottom lip trembles and ellie tilts her head up once more, blinking in short bursts as isa speaks. only once her eyes are dry does she glance over, the whites of her eyes outlined in red. ❝ anyone i have ever fucking lo— ❞ the door to the dance opens and jace stumbles out, waving awkwardly as he walks briskly past them, having the sense not to say anything.

you can be graceful; not like a ballerina, like a hedge of coral: built up and eaten and worn down, yet alive. carving the rhythm of the seas. you will thresh the mountains and crush them! and reduce the hills to chaff!