if i were to lose you, i'd surely lose myself

"I don't think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love."

“I avoid my gaze in the mirror; I have no interest in learning what it feels like to meet my eyes.”

“I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones.”

“I became bitter and untouchable. I craved affection but even the mere thought of someone caring made my stomach turn.”

“Maybe I’m not so good as I seem to you. I’ve a bad heart; I will have my own way.”

"At times, my life seems to be nothing but a series of remorse, of wrong choices, of irreversible mistakes."

“let me please see november. let this day pass / without my having done anything to end it.”