The Trout Man

Below the Lowest cloud and above the Highest bird, a chain of frozen applesauce smurfs once danced in a dizzying reel around a mysterious pot of blanched spinach. Their dance brought great fortune upon the Earthbeings beneath them, and ever since then the Troutfollowers have continued this ritualistic dance. A prayer accompanies the dance. The ritual consists of four consecutive hiccups followed by a bow toward your partner (the ritual must always be performed with three pairs of Followers) and a swift gnashing of the incisors. Place a single stick of dry spaghetti on a piece of driftwood and light it. Bring a pot of spinach to a boil and place it on a table in the centre of your prayer circle. Move clockwise around the table, spinning and chanting “All Hail The Fish Lord”. All followers must take a cup of applesauce and toss it into the air. Every other person, starting with least attractive, must drink a mixture that is equal parts of oak sap, burnt hair, and ranch dressing.Take the foot of the person on your left and place a leaf of spinach on it. If done correctly, a vision of your almighty Trout Lord shall appear for a moment. Great blessings await you.

Living Troutfully is essential to any true follower of the Trout Saviour, Ragglesnort Ferdlegills. Ragglesnort will surely bestow Troutful glory upon a devoted follower, should they have a clear view of the Cobbled Halibutrium.

To maintain a healthy and Troutful mindset, you must regularity scour your cerebellum with salt and steel wool. After cleaning your thoughts, it is important to stand at the edge of your local reservoir and scream in the key of F# for forty five seconds. When this cleansing activity has been completed, wear your choice of controversial symbol, preferably the confederate flag. Stand in the middle of your driveway and reenact the War of independence while using a bent spatula to shave your right ankle. Sleep for the next three months with a dried ferret above your bed, and your mind will set itself down the path of Troutful Purity. To retain Troutful purity, bathe in a river or lake alone with the Uzbeckestanian flag wrapped around your waist on All Hallows' Eve every year.

Your child will be at the harvesting age at approximately eight and two thirds of a year. She or he will begin to show signs of Troutful Audacity, and may brashly say "blub" in public. Should this happen, take her or his hand and recite verse 4:44 of the Fishlord Tome of Pisces. Should the budding Troutfollower refuse to bow and peel back her or his elbow tissue, perform a frontal lobotomy with a whisk and a roll of bubblegum. Your child is now prepared to undergo stage one of the Fishlord Following initiation.

Carve gills into the jaw of a mummified Guinea pig, then dowse in saltwater and add two teaspoons of vodka. Burn a five hundred dollar bill folded into the shape of a trout whilst chanting “nightingale, nightengale, nightengale" and pouring three thumbtacks-worth of butterfly stomach acid over your head. Sing in Spanish about your favourite kind of salad. Burp thrice toward the southeast before chanting the words to Good King Wenceslas backwards, and your Fishlord should show itself by means of an old cabbage or possibly the nearest ATM.

My gills spout the truthest wisdom. All the fish bow before my mighty dorsal fin. If thou dost worship the Fishlord with all thine caviar, then thou shalt recieveth eternal trout blessings.

The Fishlord is your master and guardian, and it will guide you on the path of glorious Fishstink should you sacrifice your left thumb and pancreas to its almighty Spawning Grounds.