Que d'espérance...♡

Mix the autistic mind, rigidity, obsessive fixations, constant racing and bad thoughts and severe suicidal ideation and it’s an absolute shit show going on in my head currently. I wish I could find a way around them sooner 🙃

I’m sorry I haven’t been online in so long. Things haven’t been great so it’s probably time for an honest update. I promise I will eventually answer all the individual messages lovely people have sent me… 

  My moods are extremely unstable and all over the place. My psychiatrist has voiced concerns to my CMHT and CPN several times about my mood and risk level via appointment update letters etc. The CMHT psych decided at my last review with him (Nov 2017) that he didn’t know how else to help, and so therefore, I no longer have a CPN (go figure).  January I started Fluoxetine, and within a week my mood was extremely and dangerously high - I barely slept, I was talking non-stop, talking over people and generally being fucking annoying, I was productive at Uni (I got a first in a presentation because I wasn’t nervous at all, the excited mood actually helped in this case!)  but it was also unbearably frustrating and I was very agitated, irritable and impatient, so it started great and gradually became more tedious to the point I was physically exhausted and unable to concentrate in lectures, so much so I was walking out within 10 minutes of them starting and friends and my tutor noticed my mood was roller-coastering a lot. Then 8-9 days later it crashed and ever since then it has been unbearably low.  I was taken off Fluoxetine and I’m currently on Duloxetine; my mood hasn’t shifted and neither have my fast thoughts; even after I came off Fluoxetine. This is the 6th anti-depressant I have been prescribed now - They’ve either made me feel 10 times worse, done nothing, made me agitated or, only with the case of Fluoxetine, made my mood extremely high then crash to low.  I’m hanging onto Uni by the skin of my teeth. I’ve had to speak to 3 separate people about interrupting studies in the past fortnight, as well as the mental health adviser. Many separate professionals I’ve spoken to have said that no, they don’t exactly think I am well enough/fit enough to be at Uni at all at the moment, but they also feel that having no structure if I interrupted would make me worse because I would have no purpose, which I agree with. So I guess I have to continue and drag myself through this. I am academically capable, just not mentally - I have so far got a first, 2:1, first. Then as my mood deteriorated, my grades slipped and I got my first ever 2:2 - however I got marks back last week from Forensic Psychology and I got a first, and my lecturer said it was an amazing piece of work that I should be proud of. I don’t know how to feel about it though, I don’t feel like I can cope with the physical and mental demands of Uni anymore. My attendance is appalling.  I feel completely ground down.