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THERAPY SESSIONS - During the Olympics, when tens of people watch sports they have never paid attention to before (I’m looking at you water polo) they’re made to care about the drama on the field by showing the drama of athlete's life. Seriously, I knew I would never be an Olympian when I realized you had to lose a parent, suffer a crippling injuries, or be raised by pigmy goats. My biggest obstacle was I had to learn saxophone instead of guitar. Every try wooing ladies at a party with you version of Wonderwall on the sax? However, this is the NFL, we know these players stories inside and out be it Incognito and his bully or JJ Watt and his cabin in the woods. We need to go deeper. How much more drama would it add to each game if we are wondering if Tom Brady’s daddy issues will cause him to miss an audible opportunity for a play Belichick called? Or if Eric Berry’s fear of horses will spring up during a Colts game. You’re welcome NFL. Got any other problems you need solved?

If you don't have an enemy, send them this stuff, and declare your intentions. If you do have a enemy, here's a good way to wake them up on a Tuesday.

Shit like that is why I stopped going to the movies with Brian. He also slept with my sister and never called her back. He also killed my goldfish, when I was on vacation because he never fed it. He's also a young Earth Creationist and still blames the Jews for Jesus' death.

However, my biggest beef with this article is referring to the victim as "a 16 year-old fan." A FAN?!? I'm gonna assume that as he was being beaten and shot he decided C-Murder's music wasn't his favorite anymore. I'm gonna take it on faith that the last thoughts going through Thomas' 16 year-old brain weren't "SH*T! I'll never hear another C-Murder song again," I'll bet angel's had to drag him up to heaven while he screamed "Let me haunt that motherf*cker! I wanna Paranormal Activity the SH*T outta him!"

This sign should read "STOP Dreaming. Wake Up! You're Driving A Car!"

Oh, Butch Vig, you fool me every time.

She was put under citizen's arrest, then, actual arrest, so things are probably getting hot and heavy behind bars right now if the documentary, Sexy Girls In The Slammer, is correct. Also, that prison overcrowding means something different during the final orgy scene.

If you ever wonder why your grandparents are tougher than petrified leather, it's stuff like this. The baby cage (patented in 1922) was meant to give kids a taste of fresh-air while turning their balls into iron. I'm sure this was also used, during the depression, to lure birds of prey within easy shooting distance. If you couldn't afford a turkey for Thanksgiving, no problem! Simply put a child in the window and when a peregrine falcon dives in to take it away, yell 'duck' and fire away with your standard bird shot. By the time the kid was 1, they'd just give them the gun and say 'Don't let mama go hungry. Good luck.'

Canada's Department of Foreign Affairs just released a map of safe to travel destinations for Canadians. I'm not sure what their criteria is because they seem to think it's safe to travel to Antarctica, which doesn't seem safe at all. It can get so cold you could freeze to death in seconds, so if something goes wrong I assume it can get Lord Of The Flies pretty quick. I'd bet dollars to donuts if the power goes out in a building near the South Pole you'd be gutted and worn like a Ton-Ton before you could say "I thought you were a scientist, dammit!" They don't even say there are places you should avoid! However, that doesn't mean much since they claim The United States has no places you should avoid, which seems a bit odd since there are a lot of places in the US I avoid and I live here. Also, way to make the rest of Africa look bad Botswana. You jerk. No places to avoid in Botswana, not even those places where lions look at you like lunch. And while we're on the subject, what places in Japan are you supposed to avoid? And saying there are some places in Russia to avoid is a pretty vague assessment. They're like a quarter of the world, I'm sure there are a lot of places to avoid, like those islands in the Arctic Circle for much the same reason as I mentioned for Antarctica.

To be honest it's strange to me that people would think it's not super humanly hard to be a model. I get that it messes with the "I hate super models because they just have to look pretty set." Honestly, if there is millions of dollars on the table do you really think you can just waltz into it, by luck. Yeah, maybe there shouldn't be a culture that thinks dancing skeletons are sexy, but hating people who make it to the top of that world is silly. 

I learned about Marcus Brutus' involvement in the plot to kill Julius Caesar through the play by William Shakespeare, which depicts Brutus reluctantly stabbing Caesar in the back. However, like most Hollywood films based on historical events, Titanic, Pearl Harbor, Goonies,etc. there are often a lot of liberties taken to make the events seem more epic or less brutal. So it is with Caesar. Turns out when Brutus approached Caesar and Caesar uttered those famous words "E tu Brute" or something similar like "you too my child" (loooong story short, Brutus may have been the big C's bastard son) Brutus responded by stabbing him in the dick. Yep, "E tu Brute? Ow! My dick!" is his actual last words. I can understand why this is not explained in school. Before you could say "atomic wedgie" boys would be running around playing Brutus and Caesar, which would be a game where one kid "Caesar" would be in the middle of a circle of 30 kids and one gets to punch him in the nuts.This is also changed in the play because, if not, Marc Antony's famous speech would have been reduced to him repeating over and over again. "Brutus. Stabbed. Him. In. The, Dick. He may have been a bad guy, but the DICK? Too far. Too far."

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4867631/queens-freddie-mercury-smuggled-princess-diana-into-gay-bar.html#ixzz2PCHEBKqV

How To Pick Up Forgein Women

So Yahoo News has this video up today supposedly a North Korean propaganda video, but they seem to have no origin, nor know if the translation is correct. But, we started the day with dubiously true news, so let's end it that way. First of all I would love to be a fly on the writer's room walls pitching ideas for this piece. "Oh! Let's say these people are drinking snow next to the dead friends in blue bodybags!" "Crap we said they ate all the birds, but there are birds in that shot? I know, let's tell them the birds will be eaten Tuesday." "I wonder if the birds are any good." "Dude, put in there that the birds are tasty, that'll make the camera crew seem adventurous!" However, putting on the serious hat for a second, if this is really what the North Korean people know of America, then why shouldn't they believe it? Why shouldn't they take pity on us? Why shouldn't they think of us as a backward people who just want to kill each other with our guns and eat snow? They've never been here and they may have no reason to believe their government is lying any more than we think ours is? Anyway, I gotta jet my friend is beginning to smell and those tree birds aren't going to kill themselves in my boiling snow.

Foodbeast has an article about an armchair that will fill your beer while you sit. It's guaranteed to get rid of your embarrassing stumble to the kitchen to get another beer in the 4th quarter, so now your friends can hear your Madden-esque, Joe Buck or Steve Smith inspired in depth ramblings of the game nonstop, instead of sneaking out. This feels geared toward college students who'll go on about how that's "totally what I'd get if I won the lottery" and people who want their living room to smell like beer. If you're too lazy to get up and get a beer this chair will do nothing for you except take up the room currently occupied by your mini fridge/end table. The people who will like this the most are women of alcoholic husbands since the more time their AAphobic men sit in the chair,  the easier it will be to outrun them; now that his only exercise is gone.

There is a story that has been picked up by various news outlets that a pair of dolphins have escaped their handlers and are loose somewhere in the Black Sea. Oh, and they're trained killers from the Ukraine Defense Ministry. The story goes, they're normally used to detect sea mines, but could kill enemy divers if they strap a knife or gun to their head. Killer Knife-Faced Dolphins! It doesn't matter if this story is true or not, because the image of two rouge killer dolphins is so awesome the Miami football team has already changed their logo to a dolphin with a knife on it's face. Development execs across LA are already taking meetings and deciding whether it will be live action or animated. The people at Marvel are working on a toy/comic line and seeing if they can lease Selena Gomez to voice the sassy one who planned the escape. I think Quentin Tarantino should write the movie. Kill BIll in the ocean. With a lot of dolphins stabbing people in the face. It would be call "Majestic Beasts" and they would use the N-word a lot.

The Daily Mail Online has an article out about Bob Hope's $50 million house for sale. It's a steal since you'd be a quick drive to the Coachella festival, Basically, after you see Wu-Tang rapping with hologram of ODB (please let this happen!) you can invite the drunkest, cutest, friends you can find to come stay at your place. ignoring the obvious, that if you could afford a $50 Million mansion you would probably be the person who invented the hologram not the person reading this drunken ramblings. It would be awesome to get a bunch of people in on this and scoop it up for a giant crash pad. If 50 people give a million dollars we're there. 100 only have to give half that. BUT! if we get only 1/8 of the US to donate a dollar, boom, game over. This place is really very cool. I know there is a story out there that the architect and Bob (I hope I can call him Bob, now that he's dead) didn't get along because Bob (a fan of architecture in his own right) kept butting in when the architect, John Lautner was designing. Anyway, the result is awesome and the rest is history.