My safe space since I canβt remember.
48.7
I was so pretty, I was so powerful, so confident.
Now I pretend to be, cause you know how it is. You wonβt attract the cool people if youβre not. If thereβs something I learnt about my eating disorder is that if I pretend I get more confident into losing weight, you gotta feel good for one day about your belly being more empty while youβre dieting and itβll give you strength for a few days at least.
Better keeping the weight that gaining more.
Heβs mean. He used to be one of my bestest friends. Always hanging out together, partying and watching movies together. Always caring and asking how you are, asking you to come hang out and insisting if I said I wasnβt sure. Whereβs all that gone? We promised to each other that our friendship was not gonna get broken, but youβre not him anymore. I always cared for our friendship and put it first when we decided to be more than friends. But you pushed me away. I know that you got scared, but that says more about you than about me mate. I didnβt do anything, yet Iβm here feeling guilty for eating. Smoking a joint, all by myself, in my bed watching skins, while we should be in yours, naked and smoking while watching a dumb movie. And you, stroking my hair, my face, my hand.
You took everyone with you, all of our friends, they care more about hanging out with you because after all, Iβm the girl that made one of your best friends jealous and say shit about you by being with you. And you care more about hanging out with someone that talked shit behind your back than with me.
I feel so lonely, my girls have all gone and you, especially you, you are gone too. Theyβre distant because Iβm different countries, but you, you are 10 minutes away from me and you just wonβt talk to me. Youβll only answer, calling me a cute nickname to show me you still care but not enough to engage with me anymore. Youβre going out with her? Are you fucking her? Why did you wanna fuck me then? Am I there now just for when sheβs not available? Fuck you Julien, I thought you didnβt wanna hurt me, or is that just a cliche nowadays?
