It’s been seven days without you. I don’t know how to process that. I’ve been thinking about this letter since Sunday, but I put off writing it because I wanted to be strong like you and hold onto hope. I’ve hardly slept since you went missing. When they found you I was too overwhelmed by grief, too lost, to do anything else but cry and hold on to the comfort of loved ones. I wasn’t sure if I’d end up writing this letter at all, too afraid to accept this new reality. But, just like you did for me when I was 16, you brought my online glee family together to mourn you as a community. I don’t feel so alone in my grief. I’ve read every possible tribute or letter honoring your memory and it’s brought me a lot of comfort to know that you really were an exceptional person and your loss is felt so intimately by people from all across the world. So I’m finally writing this letter - to honor you, to process my grief, and hopefully help bring comfort to someone else.
I can remember the day you completely changed my life so clearly. I think about that day often because it’s so distinct, like there was a me before that day and a me after. The me before had a lot of internalized homophobia going on. I remember when I was 9, a girl kissed my cheek and I thought I was going to pass out. I asked my mom what “gay” meant not long after and she told me it was an abnormality. I never brought it up again. When I was 15, a friend told me she was a lesbian and I stopped speaking to her and told the school principle what she told me. I used to feel ashamed of being thought of as or associated with the word lesbian because of the way I dressed. But then this day happened. I had started watching season 2 of glee a few months prior and I immediately pinned you as my favourite (of course you were! You were so fucking funny and Valerie was my favourite song). That day the “Sexy” episode came out and I watched it alone in my room. I watched Santana pour her heart out to Brittany by their lockers, admitting that the reason she hurt others was because she was afraid to of being hurt herself. To say that scene knocked the wind out of me would be an understatement. Everything, all my fear, all my shame made sense to me immediately. My whole body shook and I took my laptop over to my friend’s house to show her the episode. I quietly observed her as she watched that very scene. I didn’t know what I expected her to say, but when she told me that she really hopes Santana and Brittany end up together, my entire life changed. It was okay for me to love Santana and Brittany. It was safe with them. It took me about a year later to finally admit that I was gay, but it wasn’t scary because of you. Brittana was my everything for a long time. They were my hope, my joy. They were there for me when I needed an escape from harsh reality. I learned to love myself because I learned to love Santana. And Naya, you made it so damn easy to love her.
Grieving you has felt like grieving a close and dear friend of mine. It’s a confusing feeling, since we’ve never met and you don’t know me. However, I’ve been learning that I’m not alone in this feeling. I’ve been reading the memories your friends have of you and without a doubt, I can see that you were God’s gift to them and your family. Everyday you were alive was a blessing to them. I like to think that Santana was your gift to us, one you gave just by being the beautiful, talented angel that you are. The kindness, love and support you gave to those closest to you was felt by the millions of fans you have. I think back to an interview you did with Heather once, before season 2 of glee aired I believe. In it you ask her, “If you could be any super hero, who would you be?” and without hesitation she says “you”. You laughed cutely about it, but that’s exactly what you are. A super hero. I can’t even imagine how many people’s lives you’ve saved. You saved people up until you last breath. Your beautiful son will live because of you, and I believe he will know the depth of your love for him for the rest of his life. In this painful reality, the fact that you won’t get more time with him has been the hardest to reconcile. You deserved so much more life, and it hurts too much to think that we couldn’t save you.
Naya, I have an endless pool of love for you in my heart. It will sustain me for the rest of my life, as I try to navigate this new world without you. I have so many things to thank you for, but I think living my life to the best of my abilities will be my way of expressing my gratitude. In the meantime, I’ll watch your beautiful face and hear your beautiful voice over and over again, like my 16 year old self, and remember all the good memories you gave me.
Rest in Peace sweet Naya. I hope you got to see Corey again.
gracieabrams
andulkaphoto
theartofmadeline
ellievsbear
2087
snowghoul
