seeing the world in words.

I have some questions for you. If you have some time to spare. Yes I know in your case that shit is rare, you always caught in your own head. During those dark episodes it seems like you are glued to your bed. 

But still I want to ask if you don’t mind. Some answers might be hard to find, but don’t think too much try to speak your truth right away before your delusional self tries to stay. You cannot plead the fifth when it comes to this game - and there is a small possibility that once this questionnaire is done you won’t be the same. 

So let me start if that’s ok with you but remember what ever you tell me has to be honest, has to be true. I want to thank you in advance for your participation for that matter, let’s see if this experiment is for the worst or the better. 

Do you feel like everything is getting too much from time to time? Are you annoyed that everything I write seems to rhyme? Is there a void you are trying to fill so you won’t feel so empty inside? Has  it been a while since you played your favorite music and went for a ride? Are you awake through the night? Are you looking for someone to just hold you tight, until those days of darkness pass as they always do? When was the last time you did something new? Do you really care about yourself, your physical, your mental health? Are you checking on your friends, do they check on you? Are you still thinking about your old boo? Do you think it’s your fault it did not work out? Are there moments where all you want to do is shout and not to be heard? Are you hurt? Did you hurt someone recently, did you do someone wrong? Admit it you still thinking about that song. That song that was playing in the background during your first kiss, don’t you? I hate to remind you, but your answer must be true. Did you lie to yourself by saying : it’s all good, I am alright? Does being you just doesn’t feel right? Would you like to end it once and for all? And then you think about the people you claim to love and you stall? Do you understand that you are a unique being? One in a million that’s for sure, can’t you see that you are pure? Haven’t you made it out of this misery before? I understand you feel sore, but can you keep going for a bit? Life is more than a funny skit, you have to get serious at some point. Do you feel better when you finish that joint? Does reality hurt less when you are high? Are you really ready to say goodbye? I mean you would not actually say it, you would just run and never return like the lost son. Are you capable of grasping that your fate is in your hands and you have the control? Can you relate to the lyrics of Oasis’ Wonderwall? Do you believe that anybody feels the way you do about you now? Are there many things you would like to say to yourself but you don’t know how? Now we coming to the hard ones indeed, don’t think too much answer with speed. Are you really okay or do you just pretend ? What is it that you regret, or resent? And is it really worth it since you can’t change it anymore? Who would you love to have in this moment, right now, knocking at your door? What would you like to tell yourself in order to heal ? Is your self love real? I mean really real the way it should be? Can you ever forgive me? I mean forgive yourself because I am just asking and you agreed to play. Is there a better way? We ain’t got time left to go deeper in that matter. I just want to remind you, after worse usually follows better. 

good night.

I’ve been thinking about it over and over again.  

Where did I go wrong? What did I overlook?  

The spectrum of questions was wide and left me in between universes. If you believe in the theory that there are multiple versions of ourselves at the same time, Maybe just maybe we are in this one version where we are perfect. For each other. 

 But we were not. We have been trespassing through it once or twice.  The feelings were about to catch me.Because you. Yes you are untouchable. Godless.  

 Trust less. Fake more.  

A con artist as he was written by a young author who was trying to make it in showbiz.  

Made my buy a ticket to Sweden. 

Stockholmsyndrom.  

Against all odds I thought you was gonna change. For your sake. And mine.  

Walking around seeing himself as a young black jesus; misunderstood and gifted.  

Don’t get me wrong he is talented maybe even blessed.  But he wouldn’t be able to make the blind see.  Water to tea. Walking on the puddles of life.  

I was lost in trance.  

Listening to the hero stories about yourself : 

On shuffle. You have been my playlist.  

I hit pause and repeat. Until it was more pain than pleasure. You have been better. Ecstatic. 

To be or not to be ; mental ; 

His power was limited. Empty.  

i am sitting in the house where basically everything started and i can‘t help but wish that it never did in the first place. i wish I would not have had gone through all of those emotions. this wonderful rollercoaster of seeing an illusion and then ending up seeing right through it when it stops. 

but then i ask myself why should i put all the heavy lifting on me. why should i be the one dealing with regret when everything i did was pure and well intended. i did nothing wrong but being open about my flaws. my insecurities. my fears. so why should i be devasted, this absolutely does not make sense to me at all. 

i leave it to the universe and karma and to whatever god you choose to believe in. i accept the things i cannot change & change the people around me. i be done with it and even if it will cost me some sleep, this is just the road of progress, this is just the path of growth and strength and not some sort of punishment because i went left when i was supposed to go right.