EmeraldEmpire

I want to tell everyone who touches me that I love them, because I do.  At the  moment, I love them.  You can love something no matter how long you've known it.  Am I in love? No, but I love.  I love anything that has made me smile, laugh, has made me feel good, or given me butterflies.  They deserve to be loved.  And so love, stop denying, stop questioning.

This one thing my ex said still sticks with me.  To be honest, I never had any real feelings for him, I was allured by his looks and independence. But his intelligence and understanding wasn't really there. But we had a little bonfire one night, his friend, him, and I at his old abandoned house. It was the first time I had drank with him, he would always avoid it. Around midnight he took me inside because I had to pee really bad, and while I'm peeing, I hear things smashing from somewhere else in the house.  When I'm done I come out and see him standing over the railing, tearing up.  I hugged him and asked him what the problem was, and he said 'nothing nothing lets go back outside'.  So I walked with him and he led me out the front door.  He faced me toward him and he said "I don't like drinking, because it always makes me think bad thoughts.  When I was younger, my younger brother and I used to fight for fun and practice our karate and boxing moves on each other. (He actually is super good at it; he got to travel to Asia to compete). And one this one time, I couldn't hold myself back, and I feel sorry to this day... I almost killed him.  And he's messed up because of it.  I ruined his life.  He had to go the hospital, he was in a coma and had broken bones, including a few ribs." I was speechless, i couldn't imagine the guilt.  I told him "its in the past and its okay, his brothers still here to this day, and I know him.  He's smart.  So maybe you didnt break him, maybe you fixed him" I half joked.  He pulled me close and tried to smile.  "Im trying really hard to forget the past.  I wanna let the bad memories go, and I wanna make new, good memories with you" and he kissed me, and I told him we would.  We had a great night, but we broke up a few days later.  He actually broke up with me.  It was a short relationship, but those words hang in my chest and their rattle catches my attention form time to time

I think it's really important that a relationship never gets to the point where one or both members would do ANYTHING for the other.  One should never change themselves, plans, or beliefs purely because they care so much about someone else.  My boyfriend accepts some big things, which I'm glad, but he cares about image.  He doesn't care that our religious beliefs are far from similar.  But I've been gauging my ears and about a week ago he made the comment "Seriously don't stretch them anymore, I'll cry", and even though I love him so much and wanted to say 'Okay, I won't" I told him it would take awhile but I do plan on stretching them more.  He probably sees it as me thinking my ears are more important than his opinion, but I see it as does he really love me if changing how I look affects him so negatively?  And we talk about tattoos sometimes and one time, he jokingly said  "You should just get a huge one on your back haha" and even though that's unlikely, it still pissed me off a little.  Cause I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want and if you have a problem with it I will not have a problem with dropping you out of my life

People always say "friends before boyfriends" or whatever, and honestly it's really annoying and isn't really true.  My friends expect me to drop all my other prior plans to do stuff with them, and when I say I have plans with my boyfriend they get pissed off and accuse me of putting him before them.  Some of my friends even say stuff like "after high school we probably won't even talk" blah blah. Well if that's how you feel, why should I waste my time for someone who doesn't want to be in my life?  If I'm serious with my relationship, it is a big part of my life that will last.  After high school, its typical to get married have a house and family, not move in with your friends and hangout with them 24/7.  So overall, a relationship is kind of more important if you want to get technical.  I don't have a problem hanging with my friends but its wrong to expect someone to drop other plans to do that.

Don't convince yourself you love someone just because they changed you.  If that's your logic then you'd have to love tons of people.  If someone made you realize something, gave you an oppurtunity, a fresh beginning.  Don't love them.  For your sake don't love them.

For weeks now I've been working my ass off in cross country.  I've been doing it every year since 9th grade.  I'm by far not one of the best runners.  But every single day, and every weekend practice, meeting, and meets... I'm there.  I push myself every day, and I'm always sore.  If I'm in pain, I push through it while some of the other runners would complain and take a break from running.  While some of the other runners would walk once the coaches were out of sight, I would just run faster.  I put so much time and effort into this sport, and my work was never really recognized.  I didn't care though, I was doing it for myself.  I liked to run, it gave me peace of mind. Recently, some runners were told they were finished because it was now post season.  Me and three other girls were placed as alternates.  We had ridiculously easy workouts and were just kept around in case one of the better runners couldn't run sectionals.  Which is saturday.  Today, after we did some long strides, the coach approached me and asked if I wanted to run in sectionals. Only 7 girls could run (out of our 14). I said yeah, I'd like to.  He said that out of all the girls, I've been working the hardest.  Point of the story, work hard, even if it's not noticed.  You never know when it might be.

Everything will fall into place eventually, and remain in place.  I don't mind waiting.  I'm waiting for a reason... some reason that I don't need to know.  But I'll be better, I'll learn, and I'll get what I want when I'm ready and have earned it.

So I have sort of a thing with this guy now... and how we met and became a thing is like my new favorite story so I wanted to share it.  So my best friend was supposed to sleepover.  I spent hours cleaning my room so she could come.  At the last minute, she told me there was a change of plans and to come sleepover her house instead because her other friend wanted to hang out too. My mom told me i should stay home so i dont feel weird or excluded, but i decided to go anyway. So i go over there, her other friend is already there and she tells me that her guy friend from work is gonna come by for some sort of bible study because he's a jehovah's witness.  I kinda freaked out because im not religious and it would just be really uncomfortable for me.  So this kid comes, he brings two of his other friends with him.  I recognize one of them from seeing him come into my graphic design class sometimes. His name's Vinnie.  The Jehovahs witness kid asks me what I believe in... So i tell him I don't believe in a God.  Vinnie asks me if im atheist or i just don't care.  I told him that Im open to the belief in God and that I don't wanna stick to one belief when its not proven true.  He told me he's the same.  Which I thought was weird because I thought they were all religious. But he sat next to me and we talk and laugh for awhile with everyone, Soon enough he suggests watching a scary movie and we end up cuddling til 3 in the morning. Then they had to leave so my friend and i walked them home.  He had his arm around me the whole time.  And this is the chessiest thing ever but i'll never forget it.  It was just one of those moments.  We were so close together it felt like we were one, and someone says to look at the stars.  I usually cant see them without my contacts, but I look up and the sky is clear and the stars are so bright... Vinnie says 'ya know, whenever we look up at anything, we open our mouths.  Its so weird but we all do it" i noticed he was right cause mine was open and i just smile at him and its just one of those memories thatll stick with you.  after we got back to my friends, i got a message from him on facebook and it just said 'nightt'.  the next morning he got up really early and brang a bunch of bagels to us for breakfast from a local bagel shop.  Aaand we've been talking since.  I just have a good feeling about him.  But this story goes to show everything happens for a reason.  I was meant to be at her house that night, so was he.  

When someone does something nice for me I would never forget it.  I would be there for and have that person's back forever just for being nice without being asked to.  But I've realized that as time goes on, of course, things change, people change.  A person who has done many kind deeds in my favor is a different person now.  All this time I've been defending and trying to stay close friends with this person.  But he's different now.  Sometimes, people who you would take a bullet for, would no longer do the same.  And when you realize that its time to let them go, regardless of the past.