IKAY WRITES

I've always wondered why things are the way they are. Do I deserve to be treated like this? Do I deserve to treat myself like this? Do I deserve to go through this every day? I always feel that I deserve more in various aspects of life. I deserve to feel happy. I deserve to feel good about myself. Yet those feelings are drowned by emptiness, inadequacy, and loneliness. I feel like I’m walking in a world of ghosts, My body moves, but inside, I’m already gone. How do I get out of here? How do I get out of here when I am the problem? When I feel like I deserve all the bad things in life, And I just have to hide myself from everything. I tell myself I’ll be fine, But deep down, I know this is just another lie. I suppose I do find comfort in sadness— It’s like a warm blanket on a cold night. Maybe I’m not meant to escape, Perhaps I’m meant to disappear into the dark.

In this room

I sat alone

Heavy breathing

I want my heart to stop beating

Nothing's coming out

Of my mouth

Im out of words

Im out of life

Im out of everything

Is this the end of the line?

oh god I hope so

We get to see the colors of life again

The more we accept it

The more we try to keep up with the flow of it

It's been awhile since I've enjoyed my life

Since I've felt happiness come through my veins

It made me feel alive

It made me feel full

And with that, I am grateful that I am still here

I will always be grateful

—Ikay | 10/28/23

When Meredith Grey and Derek Sheperd made their wedding vows, there's this line that I can't get off my mind: "Promise that you'll love me. Even when you hate me."

I know we had a lot of days where we felt like giving up because of what we're going through. But despite of all the choices we can make, we always choose to stay. You always try to make things right even when you already feel tired. And I love you more and more because of that.

I promise you that I will not get better alone, even when my mind tells me that I'm better off alone. I will get better with you by my side. Knowing that I have you with me will help me get through everything. Knowing that I'm not alone and that I am loved and cherished by someone... by you.

My love, will you promise to love me even when you hate me? Will you promise to love me even on the hardest days? Will you promise to stay with me through the storm and the calmness of the sea?

And just like the poem I wrote for you last time...

Will you stay and love me until the end of the line? Because my love, I will.

Our love sometimes portrays a battlefield wherein one of us will lose which will lead us to have these unfathomable feelings and it eats both of us up in a way where we won’t be saying our “I love you’s” after a long day

Our love sometimes feels like walking into a flower field, making us feel the powerful breeze that envelops our body which makes us feel merry that our love becomes much greater than how one of us really feels

When we love, it seems that our emotions becomes much greater than what we feel. It overpowers the love that we have from each other and it makes everything weird

But our love stands still. It gets tired, but it doesn’t quit, for our love sees much greater things than what it’s facing. Our love is undeniably lasting.

Our love is one-sided, but somewhat whole. There is something that is unexplainable with what we have and how we love, but I know we’ll understand it soon.

The pain still looms over me like a cloud full of rain

Why do I keep on letting myself be here?

Do I love the pain that much?

Am I really stupid for staying?

Do I deserve this kind of love?

These questions keep me awake at night

I find peace when I'm alone

I find solitude knowing he's not at home

Can I keep things this way?

Make my mornings become my whole day?

And make my whole day become a lifetime

A life without the pain by my side

When will I have the love that I deserve?

When will I be with a someone who really cares about me?

When will I give my love to the right one?

Will I ever have that person?

All these sleepless nights just because of all the pain you've caused me

When will this end or will it just end me?

I don't even know why I'm thinking

Or what I'm thinking

Thinking is tiring

It makes me not want to be a person sometimes

Or most of the time

I don't want to be myself

I just want to melt away and be nothing

I am deeply tired

And I have no reason why

But I am

Nothing's changing because you're not doing anything.

He knows that when he fucked up, you're just gonna keep running back to him.

Why do you keep on doing this to yourself?

You have to let go.

I will never be good enough for you, am I? I woke up at around 2:35 AM, trembling. You were sleeping peacefully beside me, and yet, I was trembling. I was shaking. I knew, I was having a trauma response. A panic attack. How did I let this happen to myself? Do I need therapy? Do I need help? I thought, back before you, my life was already hard, but I was mistaken. I never knew that things could get worse. And sadly, it did. Every time I am alone, I always picture you the way I saw you. That day, that night, and those times that made me miserable. Yet, I still chose to stay beside you. How could I let myself suffer? How could I poison my own self and put salt in my own wounds? Will everything get better when everything comes back and put me to this dark place again? I am in deep pain and I feel like I can't go on anymore.

I wish I could just find a way to erase my mind and leave everything behind without holding myself back. Whenever I try to close my eyes, the image that broke my heart and crushed my whole world is all that I can see. I feel like everything is ruined and there’s no way I could bring myself back. I feel like my world sank right in front of me. I feel like I am drowning every minute that I am still alive. How do I get myself out of here?

              How do I get away from the person I love? How do I get away from the person who killed me inside? How do I get away from the pain? How do I get away from everything when he’s the reason why I still want to keep on going? How do I get away when he’s also the reason why I want to end everything?

Maybe we are losing Maybe we are just blinded by all the good things in front of us without knowing how empty we really feel whenever the wind blows our tears away and every time we mask our thoughts with lies how are we going to survive? Would you rather feel cold beside me? Would you rather feel pain whenever you're with me? Should love feel like this? Should love be like this? I feel like I'm breaking every time And I don't know if love should be like this I don't want to feel like this I don't want to be like this

Eager to find,

wanting to die…

Pain is what keeps me alive.

Pain changes everything. One day, you will look at someone with all the love that you have for that person, then pain hits you in the face. The next morning, when you wake up, you will feel this overwhelming change in your heart.

What did you do to deserve so much pain in life? You’d end up chasing your own thoughts as it runs through your mind, trying to kill you slowly, you wouldn’t be able to breathe. Pain changes everything.

You will look at the person you love and you’ll know. You’ll know when it’s time for you to stop, but what if you can’t? You just wait for that day to come where you’ll wake up and understand that you finally feel nothing. You just feel empty. Then you’ll know. You’ll know you have to go.

Love used to be the greatest thing for me, but after all the pain that I’ve been getting every time I set myself free from all of the things that I’m hindering myself from… People always let me down without even thinking about the pain that they are causing.              

Now, love is something that I am afraid of. When the time comes where I finally give up… I will never look for love again for I don’t want to suffer again.  

The thought of not being enough for someone is killing me every fucking time. It sucks when no matter how much pain the person you have is giving you, you are always ready to take everything in, even though you’re already ending up hating yourself because of it.

I know it’s been a month since he did those stupid stuff. It’s funny because I should be crying right now, but I guess it’s good to not expect any changes from a person. I always knew that he will most likely stop for a while, but will eventually do it again. That’s just how ~boys~ are… they will only change when it’s already too late. But who am I to say that I am someone that he doesn’t want to lose?

Bon Iver’s For Emma is a really one hell of a song that I can relate to. Knowing your person is lying, but you can’t do anything because of the love you have for him. I can’t do anything because I love him.

This time, I will try to act better. I will keep everything in me and just go on with life. This time, I will just let the world do its thing. I will stop acknowledging things. I will just let myself suffer in silence.

I cry for myself. I cry for my stupidity. I cry for my heart that will keep on breaking as long as I am here. I cry for the changes that I want to see, but will never see. I cry for my life. I cry for the things that I am tolerating. But I will never cry for him.