Cthulhu fhtagn

wearing a white shirt in public is so scary what if it rains and laser cheese comes after me

the thing that really cheeses my cake about flies getting in my house is they clearly don't want to be there anyway. like at least the ants trying to steal cereal from my pantry had a goal and a plan. you are just here because you're too stupid to use a window twice

it's cool how in the 6 years since this tweet was written it's become significantly less useful not because anything has gotten better but because the majority of products on Amazon are now from fly-by-night brands called "ZZPORK" and "GLUM4PANT"

once again a promising erotic story ruins the sexiness by concentrating on sex, the least sexy part of sex.

sometimes I worry that I'm too quick to hold grudges, and then I remember my friend jeremy who has a list 100+ items long of all the grudges he's ever kept, ranging from "guy at a cafe with an unforgivably bad haircut" to "vladimir putin (no explanation needed)"