The Great Perhaps

You don’t realise how fuckin’ completely brittle you are

You don’t realise how words can cut you open and bleed you dry

You don’t realise how helpless you feel

Until it happens to you

When someone makes a false claim about your character

Especially when all your life you’ve sealed yourself and somehow managed to stay very far away from the madding crowd . And then one fine day a misinformed person comes in and says something that goes entirely against the perfect image you. It takes two second to shatter someone’s soul. Two second to assassinate someone’s character. Two seconds to ruin someone’s relationship someone’s life

Two seconds.....

Although what happened to me isn’t a big deal but oh God has this affected me in the greatest of ways

I’ve been in deep thought since last night and I’ve decided, I’ve decided to FUCKING pause and not over use words and be careful and selective of what may come out of my mouth.

Tongue, now I know why so many will go to hell because of it.

Tongue the sinner. Tongue the liar. Tongue the cheat. Tongue the life ruiner. Tongue the Wrecker. Tongue the destroyer. Tongue the misguider.

I have this constant feeling of being skinned alive while simultaneously being cut in half with something blunt. Maybe that’s the anxiety aspect of it.

Who says anxiety doesn’t have physical manifestations

Let’s talk about my sweat soaked shirt

My clammy hands and feet

My trembling hands

My quavering speech

Let’s talk about the vomit that still floats in the sea

Let’s talk about the acne breakout

Let’s talk about the mother fucking heart which is pacing like it’s running for its life

My breath which comes out in short bursts

The diarrhoea. The cramps.

The tensing of the muscles in my back

The fucking night time grinding of my teeth

Flattening of my molars, the ache of my masseter waking me up in the middle of the night

THE INSOMNIA , when my own body betrays me and becomes my night time prison

Are you telling me I’ve thought this up? Conjured it out of space? This is happening. This is happening most of the time. But majority of the time the other person doesn’t even know that you’re just sitting there spaced out staring at the wall fighting your own demons, so sorry I spaced out when you’re talking about your children. I care. But I need to slay my demons before they possess me body and soil

There are days when My demons are loud they drown out the speech of other people. Loud enough to take over my actions.

Louderrrr when I become them.

My demon makes me do things I regret when the heart settles and the mind comes back in play. I am a person trying to achieve perfection but here I am standing at 5’6 made up entirely of flaws and regrets.

Like I look at my life and ask myself how the fuck I managed to get into a situation like that

Rejection is the most humbling yet devastating experience ever! Yes, in all sorts of relationships. Just at the top of my mind:

1. Job rejection/ Rejection of your work/capabilities

2. When The patient rejects your treatment

3. Rejection by people who gave birth to you, yes it’s been 25 years. That’s why it’s no.3. But it’s such a painful burn thus it’s still in the top3.

4. Rejection from the one whom you’ve bared your soul to. Especially in friendships. But stands with all relationships. Relationships who see through you.

5. Rejection after being intimate with someone

6. Rejection because of your Race, religion, creed and your beliefs.

7. Rejection after accomplishments

8. Rejection by little kids

9. Ghosting

10. Rejection from your peers