Almost a year in a pandemic. I’m still here. But just physically.

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@ignawmyself
Almost a year in a pandemic. I’m still here. But just physically.

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He said
Why won’t you let the rain touch you
I told him I never asked to be touched
He said I shouldn’t be so cruel to nature
I told him why
Because it was nature who created me
In the first place
raindrops on the concrete floor
sounds of tears knocking on the door
i try and try not to give up but
at what cost when im feeling so lost
we used to dream of being old enough to drive
but now that im 23 i just cant seem to thrive
moments have passed and people have died
i dont know why im so scared to be alive
life being taken from children much younger
i cant describe that feeling in a song and
i write and i write but nothing comes out
maybe i dont know what its really about
fruits keep on growing while we poison their ground
they have no voice they aint making a sound
we ignore all the chaos while our people suffer
closing your eyes doesnt make you much tougher
the famous and rich dont get to inspire me
instead i hold onto a ghost i cant see
maybe its because the death know more than we do
and maybe i want to be one of them too
may 5 2020.
i forgot to write the whole month of april....its not that theres nothing on my mind. theres too much on my mind. my mind is constantly working to process this state of the world, the state of my own mind.. the past. that it gets so overwhelmed it turns empty. and i have no need to share my emptiness. not anymore. once you give the empty thoughts words; they turn into empty reality. i spent my whole childhood there, it’s not a safe space to be. now im writing about how i dont want to write about my empty thoughts and i’m thinking; does that make them less empty? does that make them the reality im too scared to be confronted with? in ethics they teach us about freedom, freedom of self, from others. but how am i supposed to learn all this when theres so much restraint? restraint by my own mind, restraint by rules. freedom feels empty to me. i don’t think you can define it. maybe you can feel it, sometimes, when youre on a beach alone and the only thing keeping you busy is trying to keep your hair from going into your mouth. maybe in that moment, maybe only for a few seconds, only then you are truly free.
march 13 2020.
havent written in ten days. mostly due to my emotional wellbeing and the state this world is in. uni is cancelled til atleast april 1st due to the corona virus. its all so surreal and terrifying and weird. my whole schedule is falling apart. i feel far, far away from myself. yet i can still connect with others. what is this longing for someone to protect me? why cant i be an adult more often? i want a strong mother.
love

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march 1st 2020.
today i kissed a girl for the first time. i did not feel much. which worries me more than anything. uni needs to be my top priority now. i cant afford to dive into the depths of my psyche again. im so confused with my own sexuality. is this delayed puberty? why am i never adjusting? why am i always changing and bleeding pieces of myself all over the floor?
february 22th 2020.
i can’t even begin to describe the brokenness i feel. its a different brokenness from when i was 16. i am aware that my mind is part of my body, and can get sick. i am so burned out. hallucinating. dizzy. extremely tired but unable to sleep. i think im just going to read simone de beauvoir & hopefully i’ll fall asleep. it was nice seeing ebba again after five (!!) years. too bad i’m in pieces.
love
february 15th 2020.
havent written in a while. so much happened & is happening still. i barely find time to breathe. uni is absorbing me & my social life. i just hope i can make it through this year. hopefully these extra statistics training will help. i went out with this girl again yday night. it was fun & i kissed her. i just dont know how to feel. i cannot picture myself with another person. i want to. but my mind just cant seem to stop racing. also: internalized homophobia. i cried on the way home.
love
february 7th 2020.
just realized my next date with this girl is going to be on valentines day omg um.
ive been so stressed lately & i dont feel like writing at all. im sad. theres too much pressure & i hate money. i dont want to leave this house. not yet. not definitely. i wish i could cry.
love
february 2th 2020.
i had my first date with a girl today. and i just realized that happened on 02022020 :o. im so so happy but so so anxious & insecure at the same time. ive never really enjoyed a date but i did enjoy this one. and i actually really want to see her again. but i just want her to reach out to me this time. silly. i just dont want to be too much. i really hope she likes me as much as i like her. this is such a new feeling. strange, scary & beautiful.
love

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february 1 2020.
wow. it’s february! we survived! i had a great time yesterday with people from uni last night. we had dinner & had such good talks. me and this other girl stayed til like 1.30am so we had to get an uber to the trainstation omg. anyways. i have my first date with a girl tomorrow & im so nervous but also excited! i have never been excited to go on a date before and i just really wanna know what its gonna be like. what if we actually connect? omg. im proud of myself for doing this.
love
january 28th 2020.
can’t stop thinking about my dad. how he started his own website with me in the name. benbojo. about how it’s not there anymore. about how much i miss him. about how fucking crazy it is that i feel the urge to text him? call him? it feels so real. i’ve always wanted to do something with his old cameras. so i have decided to start using and looking into his favorite one. hasselblad 500 cm. i’m going to the library tomorrow to study & hopefully i find the mental strength to go to the photography store and ask for help. i don’t want them to know it’s about my dead fathers camera. or maybe i do? maybe i want everyone to know. because everyone seems to forget. i think it’s weak to forget someone out of self-preservation. whenever i think about it i just hear lisa rowe in my head. “YOU ARE ALL WEAK FUCKING PEOPLE”. and it’s funny because maybe i am the weak one for holding on. for not letting someone go who’s gone. for holding onto someone invisible. thinking i can keep them with me. own them. mend them into who i want them to be. and shut the visible people out in the process. they say dead people don’t judge. but the ones in my head do.
love
january 25th 2020.
I AM GOING TO BE HEALTHY. I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY. AND I AM GOING TO BE FREELY IN LOVE.
because i deserve it
love
january 23th 2020.
spent all day yesterday throwing up. which is my biggest fear so it wasn’t pretty. hopefully i’ll feel better & im able to go to school tomorrow. was going to meet this girl but probably have to cancel. first time ive ever been excited for a date lol. idk but the universe is really trying to tell me something. i don’t wanna be sick anymore.
love
january 21th 2020.
smoking a cig & feeling guilty about it. can’t stop thinking about being in a relationship, both the bad and good sides. i need so much time alone because i’m so used to it. the thought of being in a relationship but calls out to me & frightens me at the same time. ugh.
love

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january 20th 2020.
i want to fall in love this year & im speaking it into existence. i want to be so in love everything will feel right and fall into place. i want to be so in love that i won’t be ashamed of myself anymore. i want someone to look at me with love and feel it. i want to love soneone and kiss them because i can. i want to experience love.
love
january 18th 2020.
the world feels heavy. loss feels heavier than usual. does anyone feel the way i feel? can anyone love me the way i need to be loved? and how do i need to be loved? am i capable of loving? will i ever float through this life lightly? will i philosophy my life away instead of taking direct action? i dont want to hurt & i dont want to be the one that hurts. am i capable of cherishing my right to breathe? do i deserve it?
love