Why won’t you let the rain touch you

I told him I never asked to be touched

He said I shouldn’t be so cruel to nature

I told him why

Because it was nature who created me

sounds of tears knocking on the door

i try and try not to give up but

at what cost when im feeling so lost

we used to dream of being old enough to drive

but now that im 23 i just cant seem to thrive

moments have passed and people have died

i dont know why im so scared to be alive

life being taken from children much younger

i cant describe that feeling in a song and

i write and i write but nothing comes out

maybe i dont know what its really about

fruits keep on growing while we poison their ground

they have no voice they aint making a sound

we ignore all the chaos while our people suffer

closing your eyes doesnt make you much tougher

the famous and rich dont get to inspire me

instead i hold onto a ghost i cant see

maybe its because the death know more than we do

havent written in ten days. mostly due to my emotional wellbeing and the state this world is in. uni is cancelled til atleast april 1st due to the corona virus. its all so surreal and terrifying and weird. my whole schedule is falling apart. i feel far, far away from myself. yet i can still connect with others. what is this longing for someone to protect me? why cant i be an adult more often? i want a strong mother.

i can’t even begin to describe the brokenness i feel. its a different brokenness from when i was 16. i am aware that my mind is part of my body, and can get sick. i am so burned out. hallucinating. dizzy. extremely tired but unable to sleep. i think im just going to read simone de beauvoir & hopefully i’ll fall asleep. it was nice seeing ebba again after five (!!) years. too bad i’m in pieces.

havent written in a while. so much happened & is happening still. i barely find time to breathe. uni is absorbing me & my social life. i just hope i can make it through this year. hopefully these extra statistics training will help. i went out with this girl again yday night. it was fun & i kissed her. i just dont know how to feel. i cannot picture myself with another person. i want to. but my mind just cant seem to stop racing. also: internalized homophobia. i cried on the way home.

just realized my next date with this girl is going to be on valentines day omg um.

ive been so stressed lately & i dont feel like writing at all. im sad. theres too much pressure & i hate money. i dont want to leave this house. not yet. not definitely. i wish i could cry.

i had my first date with a girl today. and i just realized that happened on 02022020 :o. im so so happy but so so anxious & insecure at the same time. ive never really enjoyed a date but i did enjoy this one. and i actually really want to see her again. but i just want her to reach out to me this time. silly. i just dont want to be too much. i really hope she likes me as much as i like her. this is such a new feeling. strange, scary & beautiful.

wow. it’s february! we survived! i had a great time yesterday with people from uni last night. we had dinner & had such good talks. me and this other girl stayed til like 1.30am so we had to get an uber to the trainstation omg. anyways. i have my first date with a girl tomorrow & im so nervous but also excited! i have never been excited to go on a date before and i just really wanna know what its gonna be like. what if we actually connect? omg. im proud of myself for doing this.

can’t stop thinking about my dad. how he started his own website with me in the name. benbojo. about how it’s not there anymore. about how much i miss him. about how fucking crazy it is that i feel the urge to text him? call him? it feels so real. i’ve always wanted to do something with his old cameras. so i have decided to start using and looking into his favorite one. hasselblad 500 cm. i’m going to the library tomorrow to study & hopefully i find the mental strength to go to the photography store and ask for help. i don’t want them to know it’s about my dead fathers camera. or maybe i do? maybe i want everyone to know. because everyone seems to forget. i think it’s weak to forget someone out of self-preservation. whenever i think about it i just hear lisa rowe in my head. “YOU ARE ALL WEAK FUCKING PEOPLE”. and it’s funny because maybe i am the weak one for holding on. for not letting someone go who’s gone. for holding onto someone invisible. thinking i can keep them with me. own them. mend them into who i want them to be. and shut the visible people out in the process. they say dead people don’t judge. but the ones in my head do.

I AM GOING TO BE HEALTHY. I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY. AND I AM GOING TO BE FREELY IN LOVE.

because i deserve it

spent all day yesterday throwing up. which is my biggest fear so it wasn’t pretty. hopefully i’ll feel better & im able to go to school tomorrow. was going to meet this girl but probably have to cancel. first time ive ever been excited for a date lol. idk but the universe is really trying to tell me something. i don’t wanna be sick anymore.

smoking a cig & feeling guilty about it. can’t stop thinking about being in a relationship, both the bad and good sides. i need so much time alone because i’m so used to it. the thought of being in a relationship but calls out to me & frightens me at the same time. ugh.

i want to fall in love this year & im speaking it into existence. i want to be so in love everything will feel right and fall into place. i want to be so in love that i won’t be ashamed of myself anymore. i want someone to look at me with love and feel it. i want to love soneone and kiss them because i can. i want to experience love.

the world feels heavy. loss feels heavier than usual. does anyone feel the way i feel? can anyone love me the way i need to be loved? and how do i need to be loved? am i capable of loving? will i ever float through this life lightly? will i philosophy my life away instead of taking direct action? i dont want to hurt & i dont want to be the one that hurts. am i capable of cherishing my right to breathe? do i deserve it?