This belong in the Cosmo.

Dealing with feeling trapped is interesting. I feel like I am holding back a part of myself living with my mom. I havent dated anyone in 3 years because of her. She knows that I am a lesbian and has been really bad at accepting that I like women. She has said if I like a butch women then I am just scared of penis or if I don’t dress like a girl all the time then I just want to be a boy. She is always bringing up that when I move to Korea I will find a man or boyfriend and have babies. I watched the movie Simple favors with her tonight and I felt uncomfortable thinking that the women were sexy because she has been drilling me since I was in middle school about having babies and geting a man. I have loved girls since I was 5 years old. I don’t know how to stop feeling in the closet when I am out and proud but she is stuffing me back in.

I'm starting a new life goals and dreams. I've always wanted to go to Japan and asia. I'm getting a TEFL certification to teach in south korea, I want to teach in korea,japan, and Thailand as of right now. Those are my goals in the near future. Hopefully I can accomplish everything I want to do and see. 2018 is an interesting year. I'm also trying to be more responsible and adult like. 26 years old Rochelle cleans up and works out. Lets see where this journey takes me.

It's 1:28 am and I am still awake. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I'm scared to go. I don't like doctors appointments for reasons. One reason is my dad passed away from cancer so did my aunt and my grandma on that side of the family. I don't want to find out that I have it or that I'm at risk of having cancer. I watched cancer eat away the one person I loved the most in this world. I love my mom as well but my dad was my world and I loved him more then anything. He was my rock and without him my world crumpled up. My mom was a mess and I couldn't feel anything for a long time. I remember wanting to go home but without him there was no home to return to. It's been years now and I can't remember his face anymore. I don't remember what was the last thing we talked about or the last time I really saw him. I can't remember or maybe I pushed it somewhere so far away that I won't remember. .... I should go to sleep ...... Maybe I'll have good dreams and everything will be ok. . ....I'm ok and I will be ok.

Im laying in bed thinking about sex and rape. I wonder if I will ever tell people I know that I might have been raped. I was in a dark place summer of 2014. My roommates were horrible influences at that time. They did drugs and had some shady friends. Some we're great but other's seemed so lost in there drugs and addiction. I met him one night he seemed cool and nice. We talked and I told him I was a lesbian. He said that awesome .It was the second time he had visited ,he sat by me and tried to cheer up as I cried. I was a mess my relationship of 4 and a half years had ended 3 weeks ago and I was drinking lots. We were all gathered making dinner when someone offered me a pill. I had more alcohol then my limit and I was already high as a kite. They all coaxed me ,saying it's safe and we are here for u , we did it too, don't worry just do it, you will be fine we promise. I took it and I start to forget. I forget what happens next. All I know is there was Bacon. I black out. Theres another beer in my hand. Black out. My eyes are closed. I black out. We are outside, my eyes still closed. I black out. I giggle when someone pulls me into their arms. I black out. I feel lips on mine, my eyes are still closed. I black out. I feel something pressed to my thigh. I black out. I'm on something soft. I'm on my back and my fingers are being sucked. My eyes are still closed. I don't feel awake or here. I black out. I start to feel like I can lift my eye lids. I blink and look around. I'm dazed and being fucked by him. He has me on the bed on my back just going to town. I feel nothing. My body can't move but I want to move away. I don't like him like that. I want it to stop. My roommate opens the door and smiles down at me. I black out. I blink and I'm on my stomach looking at the wall of my friends room. On her bed. I'm trying to form words to tell him to stop. My mouth isn't working. I'm still being penetrated over and over. He finally stops I'm trying to leave but my body doesn't move. I stay still for what seems like forever. Am I even breathing. I black out. Who knows how much time has passed. I hear my roommates walk around, I open my eyes and can feel my body. I crawl to the bathroom on all fours. I close the door and want to cry but my body still isn't cooperating. I wipe my self with toilet paper and see blood. I try to wash it away but standing isn't working. I make my way to my room naked and find a T-shirt on the floor. I put it on and lay in my bed that is on the floor. Im holding my Teddy bear and trying not to freak out or cry too loud that they could hear. I'm not sure how much time goes by but someone knocks on my door. It's my roommate asking if the guy could sleep in my bed. I shake my head no because my voice can form words. He comes in and lays down next to me and I turn away. He trys to hold me close and trys to pull me closer. I push him away with my legs and arms putting a pillow between us. The next morning I wake up. I am horrified I can't remember things I don't like what I do remember. He is laying there next to me.I want to cry again. I get up and take a shower. I want to remove the inside layer and outside layer of my skin, every part he touched. I feel disgusted with myself. I leave the house and go to the mountains with a real friend. I don't tell her what happened. I haven't told anyone. I tried to justify it in my mind that maybe I wanted to have sex. I twist it in my head that I might have started it and that I might have not been raped or sexually taken advantage of. I still think about that time everytime I feel turned on and every time I think about having sex. I haven't been with another person since that time. It's 2018 and I'm not sure if writing it out will help me recover or cope with what happened.

Chicken katsu :) so excited that I actually cooked !!

Visit my city so I can get some new residents! Make your own little city and send me a link ill visit yours too!!

Feeling like I need to be more successful, making more money, and living a better life. I need to consider what makes me happy. What I want in my future. Who I want to become. But also give myself some slack. I might don't be doing great but I'm still here. I might be struggling but I'm my own boss. I might not have a life but maybe soon I will. It's ok and I'm ok.

Dear diary post 5 I'm not in the best of places and its ok Maybe tomorrow will be better. I have to remind myself that there is a tomorrow as long as I get through today.

Dear Diary post 4 Don't be afraid of the passion and the way you are. Dont apologize. Be wild. Be free. Be as passionate and compassionate as you truly feel inside.

Dear Diary post 3 I need to treat myself with the same care I want to receive. Be kind, be nice, be loved.