RAINY DAYS & MONDAYS.

“a picture? ah, are we allowed to?” she looks over at suhee, not entirely sure of all of this, and as much as she likes it she wouldn’t want to be kicked out because of something as silly as a picture.

the call of their names interrupts their shit talk, and all suhee thinks at first is that, judging by the girlish sound of the voices, some of the more desperate girls from the dorms have followed them out, trying to get in good on the hopes of getting more screentime despite the fact that nothing can bring them back from being so painfully boring all season long. combine that with their poor rankings, and what did they expect? to be able to turn it around so close to the finish line? the editors have picked their favourites, are they stupid?

but it's not girls from the pro.j dorms, and it's not staff coming to tell them to get their asses back inside. it's a group of schoolgirls, a group of fans, and in less time than the blink of an eye, the scowl is wiped off of suhee's face and replaced with a smile. she's immediately feeling smug as she shares a look with jiae as they go and run on up to them. she greets them kindly, a big, genuine smile carving itself out on her face. is this what people meant when they said they loved their fans? because she thinks she might get it now.

not because they support her, though that is nice. it's something different . . . it's a sense of power. she knows that she has no room to exert any sort of control over anyone in the industry, she's sitting on the lowest rung of the ladder after all. but these kids? god, they love her, don't they?

she shares jiae's hesitations about taking pictures with them. it probably isn't for the best, especially with suhee's hair newly dyed back to its natural black for her debut and glimmer's teasers and member reveals due to start releasing in really only a few hours time. so as much as it pains her to do so, she grimaces and says,  " i don't think we can. "  

she can see the disappointment on their faces and almost feels bad for refusing, but quickly wants to tell them to just get over it. instead, she lets them down gently and thanks them for their support, encouraging them to come meet them again if they make it to the final line-up.

“ready?” hwarin did not even wait for the other to respond before she started to walk.

go get some snacks? and with hwarin? are they for real?

i’m debuting next week, she wants to remind them. in a real group, a permanent  ( for the foreseeable future, anyway )  one, not one that’s going to be dissolved in a couple of months. and anyway, shouldn’t they be practising? she doesn’t even know most of their names and barely recognises their faces         she’s the number two ranking girl. and who are they? well, that’s exactly her point. maybe they can afford to laze around and get fat, but that isn’t suhee.

but, under the pretences of being a decent person, she goes. her real motivations are lurking below the surface: did hwarin just ignore her texts? or did she fucking block her? what suhee sees as backing down from the fight, blocking her and moving on with her life, hwarin probably sees as being the bigger person, and yeah, suhee wants to tell her, if she keeps going on snack runs, maybe that’ll be true, but as it is, she’s just a coward. did suhee mean so little to her for their entire friendship that she’s not even willing to fight?

“ sure. let’s go. ”

and so, hands in her pockets, and with as neutral of an expression as she can muster on her face, suhee steps out with hwarin.

“ thanks for the offer of paying for my snacks, but i’m afraid i won’t be having any, ”  she drawls, uncaring, eyes flickering over to hwarin for a moment. she highly doubts hwarin had any intent to pay for anything that suhee may have hypothetically picked up at the convenience store.  “ i have my debut coming up, you know? besides, i wouldn’t feel comfortable with you spending any of your money on me, unnie. you don’t even reply to my texts anymore. ” 

“so,” she began, crossing her arms. “what do you want me to do if you win?”

one word: regret. so much regret. she can feel the way her face warps in disgust immediately as the words leave myungeun’s mouth, muscles acting completely out of her own control.  “ oh, you’re bad. and just when you knew i was finally coming around to this whole cute concept thing too, huh? you’re really trying to push my buttons. ”  she untwists her features out of the scowl they’d formed, and lets her lips settle in a pout. she considers the options at hand, weighing them up to try and decide on which is the lesser of two evils. she can’t back out now.  “ fine. it better be you or someone else cute i end up kissing out there, because i am not becoming known for being the ugly aegyo girl before i even debut. ” 

suhee holds one fingers up, and tells myungeun she needs a minute to think of something good. slowly, a devious smile spreads across her lips, and she lifts her gaze from myungeun’s feet to meet her eyes. 

“ if i win, you have to fall over, or trip over your own feet at least, just after the song ends. finish it, get into final position, and right as we start to file backstage, fall. and don’t make it cute either. ”  myungeun gave suhee a choice in her forfeit, so she’ll do the same. the first is a case of personal pride, but it’s the less maniacal of the two. before she lays out the alternative, her eyes flick pointedly towards the unfortunate girl she and jiae had coined horse face, so myungeun would definitely know who she’s talking about.  “        or you can fake invite horse face to your room, make her think you want to get ready for the party with her, but send her to a room that isn’t yours. ”  

so she waited until she ( finally ) had a another moment and turned to suhee. “i wasn’t sure if i was still going to be a trainee years ago. i know it is real but i don’t think the fact that we’re at kcon has hit me yet.” it would not until she was back in korea. “i’m still accepting the fact that i did not get eliminated after our last mission.” what if she had missed kcon by that small chance.

suhee plays along with the charade of the fanmeet for a little while longer. anything they have to say to each other can wait, in favour of throwing up finger hearts and waving at the attendees and their cameras. it’s small scale, sure, but it’s still a fabulous ego boost.

hands gracefully clasped together at the small of her back, suhee turns to hwarin with her head cocked to the side and a graceful smile painted on her lips, turning up her cute charms as far as she can. she is, as a person, completely transformed. sure, produce project might have been killer on the jawbreaker girls, and suhee is undoubtedly exhausted by the whole process too, but at least she’s getting something out of it         she’s accepting her appearance for what it is. she’s coming to terms with the fact that no matter how well she can pull off a sexy dance or a powerful high note, groups skewed in a cuter direction need power behind them too. and if pro.j wants her to be cute? fuck it, she’s going to give them cute. 

“ you’re telling me. you know my mom ripped up the business card they gave me the first time i got scouted? i could have been a trainee at twelve         i wouldn’t have ever have even met you. ”  her tone doesn’t sound nostalgic, or like she would have regretted not meeting hwarin. suhee isn’t a very sentimental person.  “ but maybe we would have met on this show regardless, huh? ”  a throwaway comment, to soften her previous careless words, spoken at the same time as she holds back the urge to roll her eyes at hwarin’s lack of confidence in her own abilities.  “ well, you better hurry up and accept it. before you know it, we’ll be back on a plane out of here and they’ll have something else lined up to throw at you. ”  her words are assertive, but she delivers them with a smile and a gentle squeeze of hwarin’s arm.  “ really, you’re a great dancer. believe in yourself some more, alright? ”

“yes, let’s. can you hit start for the music since i have the opening part? how should we do with the other girls’ parts? just stay silent? it’ll make timing weird, but if we sing it now we might forget to stay silent later.”

“ i am, actually. excited to dance beside her again, i mean. like i said, she’s very talented. it’s a sort of . . . nostalgic feeling, to be honest. it kind of feels like i’m back there again, in the days before i was even a trainee. it feels like a whole lifetime ago. ”  

she isn’t kidding. it feels so long ago now. she’s still the same girl as she was back then, but so much has changed since then. weirdly, suhee thinks she’s less stressed now than she was back in those days. she’d been in her early teens, always bitter about the fact that her mother had ripped up the business card she was given when she was scouted for the first time at the age of twelve, just so that she could keep her stuck at home, taking care of her brothers, cooking for them and cleaning up after them, even though they were more than capable of doing that themselves. everyday felt so long, between going to school, training and taking care of her family.

getting to be away from her cramped house and her loud, overbearing family, even if it is in the form of a cramped dorm, a rigorous diet and cameras always in her face, almost feels like a welcome break. almost. suhee would much rather be relaxing on the beach somewhere, stretched out on a lounger with a complicated, fruity cocktail in her hand, but hey, at this stage, she’ll take what she can get.

“ i think just staying silent is the best plan of action. imagine if we ended up singing over them on stage if we just got used to humming along during rehearsals, ”  a faux panicked expression, a light laugh falls from her lips. stupid humour, dumb messing around. suhee feels totally disingenuine.  “ ah, that would be so embarrassing, wouldn’t it? ”