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seeking out physical affection

“Abandonment is at the core of addictions. Abandonment causes deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep enough, and the terror big enough, your bodily systems shift to an alarm state. You never feel safe. You’re always on full-alert, just waiting for the hurt to begin again. In that state of readiness, you’re unaware that part of you has died. You are grieving. Like everyone who has loss, you have shock and disbelief, fear, loneliness and sadness. Yet you are unaware of these feelings because your guard is up. In your readiness, you abandon yourself. Yes, another abandonment.”

prompt: knowing you need to change something major in your life, yearning for that change. But you cannot. Not yet, at least.

“There was a moment, in our youth, when I looked at you and my eyes reflected and came back to me as light. My whole being was illuminated. That was when my love became sharp. When love is sharp it outlives the body […] I could cut your throat with my love.”

“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

“First love does not mean best love. And best friends may not mean best friends forever. But they both mean at some point, somewhere, someone did care. And their memories still there.”