MJ

Damian: this is a serious question!

Steph: oh my god wait until duke hears about this he'll lose it

Dick: *through laughter* what makes you think that Damian?

Damian: Duke is sparkly! He sparkles like the vampires do! And... and he's really fast!

Steph: got any more comparisons on the list or is sparkling it?

Damian: Well he... Nevermind

Dick: no no, go on Damian, what else?

Damian: sometimes I think Duke can read my mind. Like Edwards powers in Twilight.

Steph: Damian this is the best thing you have ever said oh my god!

Dick: I... Really don't think Duke has mind reading powers, or that he's a vampire, I mean, you eat lunch with him every day at school right? Vampires can't do that.

Damian: I suppose

Steph: aw c'mon now Damian, we didn't mean to embarrass you, it's sweet! Duke'll love the comparison!

Dick: really?

Steph: actually no, he's team Jacob

Damian: why Jacob? He was the smallest side character?

Dick: oh buddy just you wait until New Moon, you're going to have a field day with the wolves.

Damian: THERE ARE WOLVES?!?! DICK WE HAVE TO WATCH THE REST, PATROL BE DAMNED!!!

Steph: oh but I thought this film was just "okay"

Damian: shut up Stephanie it's obviously the best film you've shown me yet.

Talia: ... What do you mean my sweet?

Damian: Jason has good facial features, and has grown to be very tall. This is ideal for me as I now know I will look quite handsome when I am grown.

Talia: Yes, I suppose he is handsome, isn't he my sweet. I am glad you think so highly of him

Damian: of course I think highly of akhi, he is a very competent assassin, tutor and bodyguard.

And Talia just, never tells him. She thinks it's an advantage that they are so close, that it could be very strategic for her future plans. And there's a small part of her thinks it's sweet that Damian looks up to Jason so much that he wants to look like him.

So their dynamic just kinda... Stays like that. Damian calls Jason "Akhi" and they both refer to each other as brothers. Jason knows that they aren't blood related, but to him that is his little brother, blood be damned. And Damian never really brings up parentage since he knows Jason hates talking about Bruce, and hates talking about his mother more, so it never comes out that Jason was adopted.

There's a close call at the manor when Jason still hasn't revealed himself yet (he's off in Crime Alley with his Red hood shit) but they're still in constant contact, of course they are, that's Damian's Akhi. The bats are a bit shocked at first to discover that Damian has another brother, and questions ensue about him. Damian is relatively truthful, but refuses to call him anything but akhi and doesn't mention the pit. Then it kind of goes:

Tim: so, are you guys blood related?

Damian: of course. We're half brothers.

Bruce: huh

Dick: wait Dami, you said your akhi was older?

Damian: yes.

Dick: Bruce did you know Talia had another child?

Bruce: no, I did not. She told me she needed an heir, so I assumed she didn't already have one.

And at this point, Damian cannot give anything away about Jason being alive, so he has to bullshit his way through lying about Jason being Talia's.

Tim: so who's his father Damian? Is there a reason he wasn't classed as an heir? Or was Talia just lying to Bruce to have another one?

Damian: I don't know why mother lied, akhi is an heir, but akhi always said that his father was "the biggest asshole to ever fucking do it" if that helps.

Dick: ...shit that sucks.

Tim: damn

Bruce: I see. Well Damian, I would love to meet your akhi, you say he is independent but if he ever needs somewhere to stay, your brother is welcome.

Damian tells Jason about the whole thing, who finds it really funny that Damian pretended he was Talia's, and especially hilarious when Damian tells him he essentially called Bruce "the biggest asshole to ever fucking do it" to his face.

It's not until after Jason is revealed that Damian finds out. Dick and Bruce are crying, hyperventilating and really not handling it well, Tim is kinda shell shocked, and Damian can see that Jason looks like he's either about to have a panic attack or flip into a pit rage. So Damian walks up to him, pulls him into a hug and goes "it's okay, akhi, you are safe". Jason hugs him as tightly as possible, but neither of them realise that the other three have kind of stopped to look at them both in shock.

Jason: the fuck are you all looking at?

Tim:... Damian... Did. Did you just call Jason "akhi"

Damian: yes.

Dick: but how, you don't, you

Damian: spit it out Richard

Dick: you don't know each other, you shouldn't know each other, that's not your akhi, you said your akhi was Talia's and that his dad was a deadbeat and and -

Damian: oh, right. I'm sorry that I lied about Jason being Talia's, but you were asking me about akhi and I couldn't give up his identity. I hope you understand.

Tim: but, but Damian you said you and your akhi were half brothers?

Damian: yes. Because we are. How is that difficult Timothy?

Jason: wait, kid, you think we're half brothers?

Damian: of course! You are Bruce Wayne's son and I am Bruce Wayne's son, you look exactly like him, we are half brothers!

Dick: Damian, Jason was adopted

Damian: ... WHAT?!?!?!!!!!?

Dick: okay okay it's paused *continues to chuckle* need a moment to process this one?

Damian: I am so confused

Tim: it's really not that hard, his name kinda means father in German, don't you speak like 10 languags?

Dick: hey, be nice this is a big thing for every first time star wars viewer!

Damian: *muttering quietly* so this is where he got it from

Dick: huh? Oh! you mean his talent for the force? Yeah I guess-

Damian: what? No I'm not talking about - shush for a minute

Dick: huh what do you mea-

Damian: Richard shush I need a minute

Tim: yeah Richard shush

*silence for 3 minutes*

*Damian switches from looking confused, to questioning, to angry*

Damian: I need to call Jason immediately

Dick: sorry Dames he's on a no-comms stake out with Cass right now, do you -

Damian: DAMN IT!

Tim: woah buddy calm down *gets popcorn thrown at him* HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR

Damian: Tim this is a serious matter. It is imperative I talk to Jason.

Dick: okay okay, Damian it's just a film, one I know Jason's seen before, I'm sure you'll be fine to wait until he's available

Damian: I know he's seen it before, that's the problem! I've just found out he's been lying to me my whole life! I must talk to him so I can question him thoroughly!

Dick and Tim: ... What²

Damian: *exhales, pinches the bridge of his nose* Jason has been quoting that particular line to me for years, any time in the league when I asked for a reason I had to do something he would always say, and I quote, "Damian, I am your father" in that exact voice.

Tim: okay that's funny from him

Damian: except it wasn't Timothy. It was infuriating. It was the answer to everything. And when I tried asking him if it was a quotation, he would vehemently deny it.

Tim: I stand on that being hilarious.

Damian: I hope you never experience love ever again.

Tim: *indignant squawk* hey!

Dick: woah there guys, let just calm it down here, it's just a film -

Damian: NO DICK ITS NOT JUST A FILM! I HAVE JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY BROTHER AND CLOSEST ALLY HAS BEEN LYING TO ME FOR YEARS!!! I AM BEYOND BETRAYED!

Tim: all this over a film quote? Really?

Damian: I am going to murder him and then you Timothy. Watch your back.

Dick: I think that's enough movie for tonight

Damian & Tim: *sounds of protest*

Dick: ok fine, we can finish the film.

Tim: yes!

Damian (quietly): thank you Richard.

Damian: he's also ALLERGIC to bees Richard

Dick: Well yeah ok it's not the most sane film ever but it has charm

Damian: Richard. Richard Grayson. 

Dick: *Stares*

Damian: This entire film has been about how a bee seduced a human woman, who then proceeded to help the bees sue humanity for harvesting and selling honey when it is one of the most ethical and humane animal by-products available due to bees naturally making honey and being able to survive, unharmed, from humans taking a reasonable amount of their honey.

Dick: Ok you might have a slight point here but-

Damian: NO GRAYSON! NO BUTS! THIS FILM IS INSANE! 

Dick: OK FINE BUT ITS FUNNY AT LEAST YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT

Damian: ITS FACTUALLY INCORRECT AND AGAIN BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!! This is Shrek all over again! I'm begging you Grayson please, please stop showing me films with animal inaccuracies and biological impossibilities in the form of cross-species romances, it is making me seeth with rage 

Dick: now you're just being dramatic 

Damian: make me watch another "kids" film like this again and I will punch Tim 

Dick: shut up you love our movie nights

Damian: you know what else I love? Punching Tim over the bee movie

Tim: *losing it at the table* 

Dick: *laughing* oh my god do you mean despicable me? 

Damian: of course. What else would it be?

Dick: Damian that was a fictional movie. fictional. It's important to me that you know that

Damian: Excuse me one second

Damian: *walks over to Tim and slaps him hard in the face*

Tim: OW WHAT THE FUCK DEMON SPAWN

Damian: now that that's delt with. Grayson I obviously know it's a movie, but I still want a minion

Dick: ok bud you're going to have to explain this a little more

Damian: it's simple, I require an indestructible side kick. One that will do exactly as I say and never die

Tim: isn't that just Jason?

Dick: ...

Damian: ... 

Jason, somewhere, probably: why do I have the feeling I've just been insulted