I wanna get into cruising but I’m very intimidated by the prospect of random sex.. meeting a bunch of guys who just want to get their nut off and ignore how I’m feeling
hey anon! first of all, I totally get that feeling! I was so terrified when I first started cruising. the only reason I ever kept at it was because my curiosity – and endless horniness – pushed me on
I want to clarify really quick that when I said cruisers were committed to getting off rather than finding the "right" person, I didn't mean that we're all just looking to use each other. I was meaning to highlight the way it opens us up to considering sex with people we probably wouldn't otherwise seek out on the apps or at a bar. if anything I think this has us expand our consideration for other people to look beyond the typical checklist we have for who is worthy of our love & our load. in some ways cruising is an equalizer
as a very smol critter, I have had many very bad experiences with people not respecting consent & outright pushing through my boundaries. this can be even more complicated when you have a submissive sexuality like I do, as there are plenty of people who are more than willing to take advantage of the opportunity to exploit that. it’s worth noting that all of the truly bad experiences have so far happened through conventional channels for hooking up; bars, clubs, apps, connections. I have yet to have someone violate me while cruising—I've had a creep or two try to insert himself into an already ongoing hookup, but the more experienced person I was hooking up with shooed them away. everyone else has only needed a simple shake of the head, or has even taken the hint from being ignored
I of course don’t want to suggest that sexual assault never happens in cruising spaces – of course it does. but I have had the experience, as have all the other cruisers I have spoken with, that cruising involves much more respect (especially compared to the apps, god I hate those things). it is usually much safer, too, just by design. there are lots of reasons for these things; I’m gonna just bullet a few:
· you’re in public. even if you’re out of line of sight – which you should be, or else you can get not only yourself in trouble but you can ruin the cruising spot for everyone by bringing in the suspicion of the local police – you are still within range of other people hearing you. this is a deterrent to some of the worst forms of sexual violation, because people know that you’ll be heard if you call out
· there are almost always elder cruisers around, and they don’t play games. in my experience they know the cars, they know the regulars, and they will happily share stories and warnings if you chat them up. I have a couple of times had the feeling of being prey on a trail – and not in a way I enjoyed – but both times I have ended up crossing paths with a friendly face, and I actually think that they were making the rounds in order to check on me because they also felt that energy
· it’s slow & it’s quiet & it’s intentional. unlike loud bars & clubs where you can barely hear and sometimes can’t see, and unlike apps where people are on in a hurry & will disappear as quickly as they arrived. and this is all just natural to cruising. it has to be quiet, for obvious reasons. it has to be slow, because these aren’t places that large numbers of people frequent for long periods of time; so you have to wait around. and it’s intentional because there is an order of things that has to be followed in order to ensure that you’re both cruisers & to make sure you want the same thing
· that order of things is pretty straightforward: eye contact, dropping of eye contact – walking, looking back at the wall in front of the urinal – looking back again, smiling/nodding/gesturing, and then the deed. if any of those things are not reciprocated then the hook up doesn’t proceed and you both get back to cruising. it's important to remember while cruising that "no" is a complete sentence. shaking your head or moving someone's hand away is also a clear communication. and anyone who doesn't respect those things should be literally called out
· depending on the setting, there is also usually time for connecting after. bathrooms don’t lend themselves to this – and I’m not a huge fan of bathroom cruising – but trails do. I have ended up having chats with the guys I’ve hooked up with on the trails more often than not. this allows for a human connection that’s there next time we see each other. this creates more community for both of us; which means more safety, more warmth, and more people to spread the word of how good you are at sucking dick
that said, of course the culture of each cruising space & the community that builds up around it is unique. so I can’t ever make any promises about what you’ll find if you get out there. but I hope that if you do end up out on the trails – and I do recommend the trails specifically, check out Sniffies if you don’t have other ways to find out – that you find yourself pleasantly surprised at what a good time you have
if you’re a reader, I would highly recommend (analog) Cruising by Leo Herrera. this to me is a recommended read for contemporary gays – even if you aren’t interested in cruising. it’s just a good time, and you learn so much. but if you are interested in exploring cruising, I’d say it’s a must read. I’ve read it at least 3 times. I refer to it sometimes. and it’s one of those books that I’m constantly buying again because I give out my copy
