B's mind

Will anyone ever get to know me?

like

really know me

all of it

the good

the bad

and the in between

Like, how scared i am of dying alone

or how i overthink every single interaction i ever had with everyone

Did you know i love pink?

and

did you know i also like girls?

How about that silly crush i had on second grade?

and did i ever tell you about the time a guy took a lollipop i had in my mouth and put it on his?

Once the cops pulled me over

i was drunk, a teen and

i had just pee myself

no one knew about it cause

i

had

no

one

to

tell

Did you know sometimes i crave a hug so bad that i have to go and hug a pillow?

or that i cry to songs all the time

Cause

i’m the older sister

the first daughter

i’m me

i am:

Ms. She’s always okay

Ms. She’s so happy

Ms. She doesn’t need anyone or anything

but i’m not, i’m just

Ms. I love to bake for you

Ms. I want you to listen to me

Ms. I need to be chosen for once first

Did you know that?

or did you just ignore everything i said and make fun again of the silly app i have that makes me happy?

february is a red month

but

i can’t be the only one

who feels it blue

because everyone else seems to be in love

being one in the shape of two

is just another saturday night

who even wants something solid in their 20’s?

having a partner

(feels suffocating)

open up

(too scary)

trusting

caring

admitting someone in my room

(too private)

my stomach spins at the mere thought of it

then why am i again staring too deeply at the tv?

it’s that stupid moment again

rainy day

an exchanging of stares

getting the feeling that they’re speaking a language

i’m not special enough to learn

a confession is coming

and oh, they just kissed

they called it love

and it’s stupid,

dumb,

cringe

but i know it’s just how pathetic i feel about not having someone

because how can they experience that?

what do i have to do, to feel like that too?

do i have to pray or pay?

can i sell my miserable soul for a taste of love?

i mean

was i even born to experience a love story of my own?

cause it doesn’t feel like it

i don’t feel like there’s another soul waiting for me

and i’m too blue to still act like it is

cause love is real

i’m just tired of

pretending

it

will

find

me

nunca me consideré una persona envidiosa

pero mierda

mentiría si dijera que no lo fui

cuando vi como brillabas de felicidad al

verte

con

ella

se que las personas enamoradas son poderosas

pero jamás me imaginé

que se verían tan inalcanzables como tú te mirabas

cuando sus labios chocaron con tu piel

por un momento ahí

sentí mi sonrisa caer

fue ese microsegundo que me hizo querer ser tu

o

ser ella

aún no lo sé

solo se que quería sentir lo mismo

quiero que ese sentimiento me llene y se me salga por los poros

anhelar “sentir” me hace envidiosa

o

solo alguien miserable?

¿El tiempo se mide en sentimientos o en momentos?

Porque tengo más momentos buenos a tu lado

Pero el sentimiento de decepción parece perdurar sobre ellos

¿Acaso mi corazón roto es tan poderoso para borrar una vida contigo?

Alguna vez me dijeron que “calidad era mejor que cantidad”

Y la calidad de todas mis memorias contigo, me hacen sentir que el cielo es pequeño

Entonces, ¿por qué no logro verte a los ojos?

¿Por qué no puedo evitar que el corazón se me encoja cada que te veo?

¿Se puede vivir en un recuerdo tan ajeno que hace que mi vida se sienta como una versión paralela de la tuya?

…

Tengo una vida de recuerdos a tu lado

Pero ni la suma de ellos ha logrado llenar el sentimiento de decepción que tatuaste en mi alma.

It amazes me how the blood in your body runs through mine

‘cause i never felt so strange in my own skin

Tell me…

Do you see yourself in me?

Or am i just the fragment in your memories you decided wasn’t real?

Tell me…

Did it hurt as much when your father did the same?

Am i your revenge?

Am i some sort of experiment to replicate yourself?

Or are you as broken as you made me.

You should’ve listen when they said “Break the cycle”

Or else i wouldn’t turn this much into you.