TheIntrospective

It’s the first day of 2016 and I’m making my what-seemed-to-be-mandatory year end-er entry for the year 2015.

Well, unlike the past years that I surprisingly managed to end saying “it was a great year”. I don’t honestly think I could say the same for 2015. In fact I feel otherwise. 2015 had gone quite fast like if I’d speak of it metaphorically, I would say that it was like water poured down my little hands that I was not able to take a grasp of it for long as it flows down non-stop to the ground, and the little amount of water that I was able to hold for a while would be the numbered moments where I actually thought the sun still shines after all.

2015 has been a series of both good and bad times, realizations and self-becoming. Bad times mostly at work that made nasty work-related realizations which lead to my becoming a hateful and dreadful being-towards my job and my colleagues and later at home. At first, it was all just the pressure that got I let into my head that I just snapped and then comes the “un-fairness” I saw around me, done by people I never expected to, that pushed me to care (too much) to be hateful and made me put on actual effort to show them that I don’t like them. It’s just so fortunate that I quickly came to my senses and thought of a resolution that is – to accept the fact that I’m actually not the only person in the office to do the job that has to be done and to do away with people who are of no asset to my well-being.

The good times though would be about my being able to travel, gain accept new friends, my new-found indulgence and of course, family and old friends that made the good in all my nasty-realizations which prevented me to actually becoming more of a hateful and dreadful being towards my life. Being away from the routines of my working-life is something I ALWAYS consider a blessing. I don’t actually ask for something grand like probably meet other people or learn from other cultures and all that. Just the mere fact of being AWAY- doesn’t even have to be that far away- just away and having the chance to see a fresher environment is MORE than enough for me and I guess I could say I pretty much had that in the year 2015-so that’s one good thing. Then, there are my friends and family who are constantly the best part of my every year and lastly would be my so-called “new found indulgence” that I have mentioned in my previous entry which took most of my time and attention for the year 2015 and made me view things in another light and realize that happiness is not just around the corner but in every corner you could ever turn to.

In conclusion, my 2015 has been indeed a mix of things I love and hate at the same time. But I guess it’s all part of growing up discovering yourself. Bad times pushes you to your limits and the good keeps you in check. And I think the most important thing would be your acceptance to yourself more than anyone else and keeping the right attitude at all times. In such ways, it’d be easier to put up with all the bad vibes in life and take in the good ones.

I have kind of been out of touch with my thoughts lately.

I have gotten so caught up with my everyday life that I haven’t given much time making sense of the things that I do. I have gotten so busy in the past few months with my work and some stuffs that I felt like I needed to do that I wasn’t able to make time to contemplate and reflect much.

See in these past few months I have come to indulge myself into something quite shallow but fancy at the same time, which pretty much took a lot of my time. But just as the same indulgence I had given to other stuffs before, it kind of boils down. I mean, it’s always been like that for me. Something would come and it’d feel good until it’s not anymore. And not that I regret the indulgence, I am rather grateful for it. I mean, it’s not every day that I let myself get high on something that actually made me believe in some things about myself and gave me few realizations that could definitely make good reference for me in the future. But like I said, it’s the kind of thing that comes and goes. So now I guess I could say I’m back to my old self.

And I actually kind of missed it. I missed spending time with myself, alone with my thoughts and widening my perspectives about things. I love that I’m back to reading now and I’m actually finishing up John Greene’s “Will Grayson, Will Grayson”. And I love that I’m feeling inspired to read more which I have always been before I’d gotten too busy.

I’ve always been so passive in everything. 

I used to think it’s because that’s just who I am and somehow I have appeased myself into thinking that I’m just not the aggressive about life. I am more of a laid-back and a go-with-the flow type of person, like whatever comes my way, comes my way and I’d deal with it like how I supposed to deal with it. I’m such an at-the-moment person. I live by the moment without a thought of the past or the future which I really don’t see anything wrong with but sometimes living such way gets a little boring? I mean, no matter how fun it may sound, it’s just doesn’t always the thing. I guess, or am I just overthinking? Again.

Anyway, I feel like it is not always fun, especially when the moment fleets out and I’m left with nothing. It makes me question a lot about what’s next. It makes me fear about the future. I’m afraid that I have been living so much today that I’m forgetting about tomorrow. It makes me ponder about my purpose, like what am I going to get out of this? Or what have I been doing something relevant in my life? Am I doing things that matter? And for that, I’ve yearned to be part of something big, to lose myself in something that consumes, something that matters not to anyone about myself. Something I could actually invest my time to and be great at it. Something I could put my mind and soul into and work my heart out to. And, for so long I have waited for that and sometimes one could just only take as much patience in things and I admit I’m starting to get a little impatient. And every single time I feel such way, I somehow blame myself for being so inert and unreceptive. I blame myself so much that I somehow managed to create a mechanism of defence against my thought just because my ego could not take it. Thus, my acceptance of my being passive and unaggressive.

However, though, in this past days something quite unusual happened that somehow rejuvenated me like an electric shock that brought me into life. I have been sleeping under the water and somehow something had pulled me from my reverie making me see this thing about me in a different light. Making me realize that maybe it’s not how passive I am about life but it’s, rather, how life seems passive for me. It’s not about me not knowing what I want, it’s just that I’ve never really wanted something in my life so bad. There’s nothing in my life right now, that entices me and inspires me. I’m like living such a lifeless life and it’s either I do something about it or life should actually and really start happening to me. I mean, I know I’m the only one who has perfect control of everything in my life but I’m guessing that’s just not always the case. It’s like the Newton’s Law of Motion. I need something or someone who would push or pull me so I can go on a certain motion. I need that force! And, right now, there’s just nothing. I have been feeling so numb and invisible like things could get in and out through me. Every day, I feel less and less human. And I badly need a reminder that I AM; that I can feel, I can think and I can act in my own will, driven by my own passion and desire.

I’m tired feeling so dull and lifeless. It’s not a very good thing to feel like as if I’m just wasting my time and that I’m not actually living a life. That I just exist for the sole purpose of JUST existing.

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE… since I have repressed myself to express! Well, I guess there are just things that people forgets attending to.

So… to kick start my “re” blogging, I have decided to do a recap on things I have done in the past two years of my 20’s.

I started blogging five years ago and one of the many stuffs I have posted on my blog was my “Bucket List” or the list of things I tend to do before I die. Yeah, well I have that list, not that I’m dying or had a death wish but I’m guessing everybody has one too following that 90’s movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman entitled “The Bucket List”. I remember I was in college when I started writing. And, back then my life revolves primarily in my studies, or should I say the pressures of my studies and well, yeah, a bit of partying in as-much-as-I-could-still-get-to-school-in-the-morning way but to cut things short, there were actually a lot of things I wanted to do that I was just not capable of doing yet, back then. And so thus my blog about those things.

Well, reason I’ve mentioned is that I recently re-visited that old blog of mine and it just felt amazing how I have surprisingly managed to do and cross out some of the items in my list. It made me look back and gauge through the past years of my life and cliché as it may seem-there is, indeed, no such thing as IMPOSSIBLE - in time.

And now for the throwback…

Island Getaway with Friends. Yes, I did “bucket-listed” that. See, my friends aren’t actually the adventurous ones. We’re all so monotonous! Like, planning doesn’t happen around us. We want to eat, we go to the same fast food restaurant we’ve always been going to since high school. When we want to see each other, we literally just see each other over a booze and chill and talk about our ex’s and stuffs. That’s what we do! So it was quite a shock for all of us when we managed to actually pull off an island getaway two years ago and we had a blast! The experience was indeed refreshing and the feeling that I’m actually miles away from home with my favorite people is just awesome! Looking forward for many more of this.

Tattoo. I have always wanted one way back high school but of course, its just not a thing to do for me back then. Good thing that I wasn’t actually dying to get one. I just thought it would be cool but then there’s the fear of getting something in life that would be permanent. And then, years past, my brother learned the art of tattooing and he got himself a machine and in one surreal evening; I just thought that it was time for me to get one. So thus, my tattoo of birds flying through out the back of my shoulders and then I thought, I was not contented so I had an owl tattooed just a little down my nape and still I didn’t get contented not seeing them without a mirror, so I decided to get an anchor and a wheel on my feet. It was quite a move for me and I’m glad my ever supportive parents liked it.

Wake Boarding. AWESOME EXPERIENCE!!!! Tho, I wasn’t actually successful about it, I mean, the longest time I did was hardly a 10-second run and I’m all down, succumbed by the waters. It was the first time I did it and by far the only time I have done it. But I am definitely going to find some time to do it again and maybe try to manage a whole lap around the water park. So this item isn’t totally crossed-out of my list yet but I’ll get there and I’ma murder that wake board!

Baguio Weekend. My FAVORITE PLACE in the PH by far. We went there last January and it was the perfect thing to cap the past year and to kick start the next. I’m in love with the Baguio Weather and the stories behind every streets and and turns on every corners. The place just suits me! Cold… Gloomy… Mellow… Nostalgic. If I were a place, I’d be Baguio.

Diplomat Hotel. Going for a weekend in Baguio kinda crossed another one particular thing on my list and that is to get a look around the infamous Diplomat Hotel that was known for all the ghosts stories told about Baguio. I don’t really get my fascination on haunted places ‘cause I’m not actually the bravest person when it comes to these things yet I get all giddy and excited being inside one. It was surreal!

Pull a Three-Straight-Night All Nighter. Drinking booze all day and all night, if I may add. And man, I felt super! Feeling all that adrenaline overflowing inside of me, like nothing is stopping is superb! I never thought my body could take that much without a rest but I’m guessing it was just the excitement of being away from the pressures of the city since I was in Puerto Galera with my workmates when I did this. We were having our team building and it was just fun and I didn’t want to miss out on anything so I made sure I’ll be awake for every thing. Exceeding Expanding my limits is just my thing.

Snorkeling. I’ve always been fascinated with the things in the deep blue. It’s something that tickles my curiosity every single time, I mean, seas are vast and immense like it’s housing something big… something beyond humans can imagine. Tho, I know I haven’t really gone too deep in the sea but still my thoughts on seas are just as deep. I had a fun time during the activity.

And that’s it for the throwback!

Another year, another start… another chance to take a refresher in life… a chance to look back and gauge those 365 days I have lived in the past year. Did I change? Was I different? Am I better? Or did I spiral down to worst? Have I learned something? Did I grow a little? (Well, that part I don’t really need to ponder about). There are so many questions about this season, all needing just but one answer.

It’s hard to sum up how I did for the past year. Well, for starter, I’m still working at the same Company I have been in since the last last year of October and I guess I can say I have, pretty much, used and exhausted every single internal resources in my body trying to keep up with the pressures that come with it. I have dealt with things that I never thought I would ever have to deal with at such a young age. I have been put to situations I have no idea what to do about but still managed to get my way out of it. 2014 has been a very challenging and an “eye-opening” year for me, professionally. There were several tough times that I had to go through and I did get through, so that I am very much happy about. I have an awesome workmates who never fails to make me feel good about myself! I get surprised by the trust they are giving me and it just makes me want to have them unregretful about it. It’s a bit mind blowing! In fact, sometimes I wonder how they see me ‘cause from the way I am seeing myself… I am nothing like the person they’re making me feel like with all the trust and everything. I never feel like I’m doing great about my job but somehow they make me feel otherwise. It’s awesome and I am whole heatedly grateful about it. I can say I have learned a lot from my job and I’m glad that I’m still learning a lot from it!

Secondly, as I have established my fulfillment at the professional aspect of my life, I guess I could say the same for the social aspect. I’m still keeping the company of my long-time friends, way back from my school days. But I might be running a little low on meeting new ones tho! Nevertheless, my old friends can surely measure to the excitement just the same. We meet constantly, endlessly sharing booze and never ending stories of the past. We travel! Yes, we did! Quite an achievement actually, for me and my friends, being a city away is hardly a thing but last year we manage to cross a vast sea and spend a day in an island. So it was great! It gives me the notion that we are GROWING and we are expanding our limits when it comes to hanging out. It has always been and always will be a fun time with them! Even with my friends that I don’t get to be with anymore but constantly talking to me, chatting, messing around on line. I know we still have it! Some may be miles away but we keep in touch.

Thirdly, my family! There’s nothing really much I can say about them ‘cause they are just infinitely the best at everything! And that fact never changes… I take pride on my family and I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! I can only wish but one thing for them… and that would be more years to come to all of us together.

Lastly, MYSELF… Well, right now I can say I‘m more aware about me. I get less confuse about stuffs that’s going on tho I still don’t have that much figured out about my life. What I want? How I get it? What am I supposed to do? I have no freaking idea. Right now I’m just going with the flow but it’s frightening once in a while ‘cause I feel like I’m wasting time and that I might run out of opportunities to be what I want to be by the time that I realized what I want to be. If life could just come with a manual on how to live it then it would be easy. But then again, I thought, what is life in that? I guess it’s just the normal fear of the future that comes to people. I mean, who wouldn’t want to live their lives with a certainty that what they are doing is right? That’s what I want! I want to find the right place for me at the right time and I’ll be doing the right thing. Like I usually say, there’s nothing I yearn for but to feel intensely passionately and lustful about life… to be part of something big and get lost in it… to do something and be the greatest at it. I see it would be really awesome if I do. My life would go from pitch black to sparkling rainbows by then and it would be amazing!

FINALLY! We planned. We pushed. And we conquered Peurto Galera!

It was a bum that it was just the three of us who got to be there but the heck, I knew we'd still have the best summer ever!

We haven't even got out of Manila yet, we were already laughing our asses out with our inside jokes; doing what we do best. Indeed, happiness is everywhere when I'm with these goofs!

@ the bus station; beating the heat like yeah :bd

It was a long wait inside the bus station and the heat was a definite reminder that we're out on a summer. It was about 10am when we got into the bus and had a two hour drive to the Batanggas Port.

@ Batanggas Port; more than halfway to the promise land :bd

A man fetched us at the very door of the bus and walked us through the ticket station for the ferry. Well, that's what they call it, I, on the one hand, call it a BOAT... a big boat but still a BOAT.

Then we set sail! ...and the sailing was nauseating! It was my first time ever to get into a ride like that. I could feel the waves right under my feet! It was a bit of a discomfort... not even mentioning the heat of the sun but still made it through. An hour later, we've finally arrived!

@ White Beach Resort; Minolo Shipping line

And the sail was definitely WORTH IT! We got all excited the moment we got out of the "boat" and felt the sand on our feet! We were advised to book our sail back to the port the next day and so we did. Booked our trip back at 5:30pm. Soon as we're done, we went down straight to business.

First on the list... FOOD TRIP!

@ Food Trip sa Galera; Late lunch.

Next on the list, GET  A ROOM!

We checked in at the same rentals that my friend Jaika had the last she was there. She still has the number of the owner so it was kinda convenient for us. We rest for a while, took our time to freshen up a bit, put on our suit at sunset and went out to experience Puerto Galera!

@ Aurios; Indulging the view and the weather with some cocktail shake.

Chillin' by the beach.

Both of my company went for an afternoon dip. I wasn't really in the mood for a swim so I decided to spend some time alone with my thoughts. The place is a miracle made visible. The scenery, the color, the sound of the sea brought me in a trance of realization.

It was a perfect time to get lost in my thoughts. It was very refreshing!

Night fell and we all got ready to party!

@ Aurios; heating the night up with some booze.

Getting ready for the big DRINK. We were all dying to try Puerto's bestseller, MIndoro Sling but the night was still young and we all wanted to last til sunrise so we decided to chill with light beers for the mean time.

Bucket down and we are set to PARTY ALL NIGHT! Finally we got to have the big talk of the town when it comes to booze, the Mindoro Sling. Unfortunately, it didn't live up to my expectations. It was an OK drink and didn't actually do damage to our night.

@ Cafe de Paris; set up the stage for some fire dancing

And there she goes, the muse of my night. She's hot as fire and that night I was sure I wanted to marry her.

Had few drinks more and we decided to call it a night. Well, we did because one of us is already lying, back flat, by the beach already. She was kinda drunk, she didn't even get to shower! She went straight to bed with her rash guard on and quite an amount of sand all over her body. It was like she brought the beach into our room!

Next morning, we weren't able to witness the sunrise since we were all dead asleep, enjoying our cold, cold room. We got up to get a brunch and prepared for check out.

@ White Beach Resort; having fun for brunch

The clubhouse I had was definite delight! And it was worth all my dime! We planned our day and set to buy our "pasalubongs" before we go home. It was an endless walk and laugh trip, going here and there.

We chilled some more since we still have lots of time left, with nothing more to do... no thanks to the serious heat going on by the beach that we can't bear walking on it for a second. We took our chance and see if we can get on an earlier trip to the port and we did! 30mins earlier than our scheduled trip. HAHAHA. Still earlier! 'Nuff said!

While on board, I got to experience the wonder of the place once again. It was definitely a sight to see and I could get lost in it forever!

Back to the port, getting a bus was an easy task for us since there was already one in there that seemed to be just waiting for us three. We hopped on and enjoyed our ride back to Manila.

What a way to spend the weekend with my friends! It was a length of a day but we sure as hell made the most out of it.

Yours Tonight by The 88

If I could, I'd probably have The 88 singing live on my wedding day... in the future.

Their song No One Here is my top favorite and now I've just gone to appreciate another of theirs. If I imagine myself dancing with my person in No One Here; this song makes me think of my walk, down the aisle to the promise of my forever.

Happy thoughts... this song gives me nothing but happy thoughts.

Well it's official, 2013 has gone and I am welcoming another year in the world to live, to laugh, to learn and experience things I have yet to experience.

I have been wanting to post something about the new year, maybe a greeting to all of my love ones, or perhaps a goodbye to the past year, perhaps a recap of all the good and the bad things I've gone through. I was thinking of something to say (or post, rather) but I couldn't seem to appease myself of what to tell. For some reason I couldn't seem to take out upon myself something sensible and worthwhile to speak about. In short, I wasn't feeling all sentimental like the others.

Yes it's a new year but I don't really feel like something IS new or WOULD BE new after the day. I mean, I live everyday and change is something usual. Everyday there will always be something new and it doesn't have to be January 1st for that change to happen. I don't know, but I just don't get all the talks of new life, new habits, new lifestyle for the coming of the new year. I don't see any difference at all. "New Year" is just a mere label, telling that the world has revolved yet another 365 cycles of day and night and that's all. Change is another thing that happens everyday and there's nothing new about it. As they say, "Change is the only permanent thing in the world."

Now, "New Year's Resolution"...

Have I any?

Well if by 'resolution' people mean 'things I want to change in my life', then yeah, I think I have plenty. I'm the kind of person who doesn't approve much about myself. Let's see...

I am SELFISH. I am THE great pretender. I am all talk. Always the thinker... NEVER the doer. I am OFFENSIVELY CRITICAL and OVERLY JUDGMENTAL. I am the laziest. I don't make a stand for anything. I easily change my mind. I don't have even a slightest sense of assertiveness in my bones. I PROCRASTINATE... A LOT.

And... many more, there are too many I couldn't think all of it in one seating. Recalling such would probably take me a whole day or two perhaps but the point is, I have lots of flaws and bad habits that I really really would just want to change but I couldn't, for the reason that all these things just comes out of me naturally like it's a part of my DNA. All these things, I do unconsciously and it'd just take me a while to realize how BAD it was and how BAD it makes me so I want to change that, maybe lessen them a bit so I wouldn't be of any discomfort to anybody and myself.

Further... so as not to spoil the coming of the new year, there are another more things that I want to do for this year, 2014, and that is to KEEP all the bad vibe out, as much as possible; all the things that disappointed me, all the things that hurt.. and all the things that made me feel less about myself, all of it I tend to forget and leave behind.

This year I'm not gonna say I won't be living with anymore regrets because I cannot say that for sure. The only thing I can be sure of is that I'd have my regrets but this time, I won't be regretting about the same things over and again. I'd probably just do something more worthy of my regrets and disappointments. This year, I'm letting go and I'm going to be awesome.. er. AWESOME-ER 'cause I'm already awesome, I'm just gonna step up a bit and be the awesome-st ever as I'm supposed to be.

So bring it 2014! I'm up for you! :)