#allaboutself

Another year, another start… another chance to take a refresher in life… a chance to look back and gauge those 365 days I have lived in the past year. Did I change? Was I different? Am I better? Or did I spiral down to worst? Have I learned something? Did I grow a little? (Well, that part I don’t really need to ponder about). There are so many questions about this season, all needing just but one answer.

It’s hard to sum up how I did for the past year. Well, for starter, I’m still working at the same Company I have been in since the last last year of October and I guess I can say I have, pretty much, used and exhausted every single internal resources in my body trying to keep up with the pressures that come with it. I have dealt with things that I never thought I would ever have to deal with at such a young age. I have been put to situations I have no idea what to do about but still managed to get my way out of it. 2014 has been a very challenging and an “eye-opening” year for me, professionally. There were several tough times that I had to go through and I did get through, so that I am very much happy about. I have an awesome workmates who never fails to make me feel good about myself! I get surprised by the trust they are giving me and it just makes me want to have them unregretful about it. It’s a bit mind blowing! In fact, sometimes I wonder how they see me ‘cause from the way I am seeing myself… I am nothing like the person they’re making me feel like with all the trust and everything. I never feel like I’m doing great about my job but somehow they make me feel otherwise. It’s awesome and I am whole heatedly grateful about it. I can say I have learned a lot from my job and I’m glad that I’m still learning a lot from it!

Secondly, as I have established my fulfillment at the professional aspect of my life, I guess I could say the same for the social aspect. I’m still keeping the company of my long-time friends, way back from my school days. But I might be running a little low on meeting new ones tho! Nevertheless, my old friends can surely measure to the excitement just the same. We meet constantly, endlessly sharing booze and never ending stories of the past. We travel! Yes, we did! Quite an achievement actually, for me and my friends, being a city away is hardly a thing but last year we manage to cross a vast sea and spend a day in an island. So it was great! It gives me the notion that we are GROWING and we are expanding our limits when it comes to hanging out. It has always been and always will be a fun time with them! Even with my friends that I don’t get to be with anymore but constantly talking to me, chatting, messing around on line. I know we still have it! Some may be miles away but we keep in touch.

Thirdly, my family! There’s nothing really much I can say about them ‘cause they are just infinitely the best at everything! And that fact never changes… I take pride on my family and I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! I can only wish but one thing for them… and that would be more years to come to all of us together.

Lastly, MYSELF… Well, right now I can say I‘m more aware about me. I get less confuse about stuffs that’s going on tho I still don’t have that much figured out about my life. What I want? How I get it? What am I supposed to do? I have no freaking idea. Right now I’m just going with the flow but it’s frightening once in a while ‘cause I feel like I’m wasting time and that I might run out of opportunities to be what I want to be by the time that I realized what I want to be. If life could just come with a manual on how to live it then it would be easy. But then again, I thought, what is life in that? I guess it’s just the normal fear of the future that comes to people. I mean, who wouldn’t want to live their lives with a certainty that what they are doing is right? That’s what I want! I want to find the right place for me at the right time and I’ll be doing the right thing. Like I usually say, there’s nothing I yearn for but to feel intensely passionately and lustful about life… to be part of something big and get lost in it… to do something and be the greatest at it. I see it would be really awesome if I do. My life would go from pitch black to sparkling rainbows by then and it would be amazing!

Well it's official, 2013 has gone and I am welcoming another year in the world to live, to laugh, to learn and experience things I have yet to experience.

I have been wanting to post something about the new year, maybe a greeting to all of my love ones, or perhaps a goodbye to the past year, perhaps a recap of all the good and the bad things I've gone through. I was thinking of something to say (or post, rather) but I couldn't seem to appease myself of what to tell. For some reason I couldn't seem to take out upon myself something sensible and worthwhile to speak about. In short, I wasn't feeling all sentimental like the others.

Yes it's a new year but I don't really feel like something IS new or WOULD BE new after the day. I mean, I live everyday and change is something usual. Everyday there will always be something new and it doesn't have to be January 1st for that change to happen. I don't know, but I just don't get all the talks of new life, new habits, new lifestyle for the coming of the new year. I don't see any difference at all. "New Year" is just a mere label, telling that the world has revolved yet another 365 cycles of day and night and that's all. Change is another thing that happens everyday and there's nothing new about it. As they say, "Change is the only permanent thing in the world."

Now, "New Year's Resolution"...

Have I any?

Well if by 'resolution' people mean 'things I want to change in my life', then yeah, I think I have plenty. I'm the kind of person who doesn't approve much about myself. Let's see...

I am SELFISH. I am THE great pretender. I am all talk. Always the thinker... NEVER the doer. I am OFFENSIVELY CRITICAL and OVERLY JUDGMENTAL. I am the laziest. I don't make a stand for anything. I easily change my mind. I don't have even a slightest sense of assertiveness in my bones. I PROCRASTINATE... A LOT.

And... many more, there are too many I couldn't think all of it in one seating. Recalling such would probably take me a whole day or two perhaps but the point is, I have lots of flaws and bad habits that I really really would just want to change but I couldn't, for the reason that all these things just comes out of me naturally like it's a part of my DNA. All these things, I do unconsciously and it'd just take me a while to realize how BAD it was and how BAD it makes me so I want to change that, maybe lessen them a bit so I wouldn't be of any discomfort to anybody and myself.

Further... so as not to spoil the coming of the new year, there are another more things that I want to do for this year, 2014, and that is to KEEP all the bad vibe out, as much as possible; all the things that disappointed me, all the things that hurt.. and all the things that made me feel less about myself, all of it I tend to forget and leave behind.

This year I'm not gonna say I won't be living with anymore regrets because I cannot say that for sure. The only thing I can be sure of is that I'd have my regrets but this time, I won't be regretting about the same things over and again. I'd probably just do something more worthy of my regrets and disappointments. This year, I'm letting go and I'm going to be awesome.. er. AWESOME-ER 'cause I'm already awesome, I'm just gonna step up a bit and be the awesome-st ever as I'm supposed to be.

So bring it 2014! I'm up for you! :)

I'm getting more and more impatient about my life right now, probably because I'm already bored since I'm not doing anything 'relevant' anymore. If it weren't for some of my interviews, random hangouts with my friends and family outings I bet I've already turned into a tree rooted at my very bed.

And since I got nothing but free time- lots of free time- I can't help but think about things that I want in the future like getting my own house that I designed myself, or a customized car, travel the world, getting a tattoo, living my life and all that. All of these things and many other things just come flashing over me like I want to write it all down and  make a checklist of the things I want to do and the things that I want to have. But the worse is that I can't  just have all of them because I don't have the time and the luxury to have it...YET. That's why I'm being so impatient right now, like I just want to hit fast forward and live my life like Adam Sandler in his movie, Click. I wish I could get a hold of that remote and fast forward my life for a little bit, probably skip the hassle parts and only live the easy ones like the part where I'm working to get something and fast forward to the part where I'm already getting it. That'd be awesome!

I know that I'm still young, and that there's no need for me to rush and I know that I'll get there someday but sometimes I just want to get there right away. Yeah, there's no need to rush but I just feel like my life's running a bit slower than it should be and I'm really getting tired and really getting bored of this. What the hell is wrong with me?! Sometimes I just can't believe how impatient I can be and it's killing me!

I've been living with expectations ever since and I never really felt the weight of it until these past few years and I've been puckering up every resource I got just to live up with it. It's not healthy... for me. Recently I've been feeling that these expectations people have for me have already been defining me. It affects every decision I make, the ones I have made and the ones I am yet to make. I feel like I'm all tangled up with all these that I can't move on my own anymore, like my life has already been planned out, like there's already a blue print that I just have to follow. Every goals set, were set not by me but by others. Everything I do and how I'm supposed to do it leads to the person I am EXPECTED to be. Everything is about what I am EXPECTED to give.

It's not that I'm bound to live with it. After all, this is my life and if there's someone who can make me live it that way she wants it to be, that would be ME. I could always choose to go the other way around if I really want to, but the problem is, I don't know what I really want anymore. People have been telling me what they want for a long time that I have already made it my own. Somehow I've been expecting myself to be the person I am expected to be-if I'm making any sense.  And now I feel that everything's not falling quite into place. Lately, I'm not enjoying the things that I'm doing anymore and I'm afraid it's too late for me to back out. I AM AFRAID TO BACK OUT. In the kind of life I have, I can't just take risk because there's so much at stake and I don't really want to fail anyone. I don't want to let them down.

The expectations have been piling up really fast, one after the other, and I'm starting to doubt myself. I wonder if I can do it, if I can give them what they want and get the things that I want for myself at the same time. These whole expectation thing is really getting its toll on me and I feel helpless about it. Everything is a "MUST-DO" and I've just been putting up a brave face, showing everyone that I can but on the inside, I'm shaking like a child left alone by herself in a strange place. I am expected to know my way but in reality I'm still trying to find it.

I hope things will get better-that one day I wake up and feel that I'm on the right track and that I won't feel trapped anymore. I hope one day I can be the one I am expected to be and be the one I want myself to be at the same time. And that I'll be living my life for myself and for everyone.

Just recently I have ended another chapter of my life-that is being a STUDENT. And, of course, as one chapter closes another MUST begin; a whole new phase, a whole new me and a whole new approach to life.

I have always been a kid at heart, never have I ever felt that I've been acting my age. I am immature and I am aware of that. I don't know, I just don't see myself as a grown up. Well, technically I haven't really grown physically, I've been and forever will be 4ft. and 11 inches long and I already gave the hope of getting more inches taller but that is beside the point. I'm talking about maturity in a way, being an adult and acting like one. Most people who know me would often say "para kang bata" and I'm pretty sure every one who can see me would think the same just by looking at me, maybe because of my lack of height (yeah, that's a given)or maybe just because of the way I am, the way I behave, the way I lack practicality in everything. I remember my friend once told me that I seem to have not a slightest idea when it comes to practical things. I'm like a child. I have a seperate reality that I live in, away from what is practical because I never really have to do such practical things... there's always someone who'd do it for me.

 My mom, she came from a broken family and if there's one thing that she never wants us to feel is the feeling of our parents not being there for us. So I never felt abandoned. I've never felt like I'm doing things alone, there are always people behind me whom I know I can always turn to. I guess that's the reason why I never learned how to act independetly because I never felt like I have to be. And it's something that I already got used to. Something that is already stamped on my system. Something that I know I have to do away with.

As much as I hate to admit it, I can't deny that my time's up for some the kid stuffs. I've already had 20 years of it and I got to move on and step up a bit. I got to learn things on my own and start to live by myself. I'm no kid anymore, not even a teenager! I got to face the world outside of my own reality. I'm done facing Math problems now, time for me to face real-life ones; make decisions and be tough enough to live up to them. I got to start to learn that PRACTICAL things 'adult' people talk about.