#theintrospective

I’ve always been so passive in everything. 

I used to think it’s because that’s just who I am and somehow I have appeased myself into thinking that I’m just not the aggressive about life. I am more of a laid-back and a go-with-the flow type of person, like whatever comes my way, comes my way and I’d deal with it like how I supposed to deal with it. I’m such an at-the-moment person. I live by the moment without a thought of the past or the future which I really don’t see anything wrong with but sometimes living such way gets a little boring? I mean, no matter how fun it may sound, it’s just doesn’t always the thing. I guess, or am I just overthinking? Again.

Anyway, I feel like it is not always fun, especially when the moment fleets out and I’m left with nothing. It makes me question a lot about what’s next. It makes me fear about the future. I’m afraid that I have been living so much today that I’m forgetting about tomorrow. It makes me ponder about my purpose, like what am I going to get out of this? Or what have I been doing something relevant in my life? Am I doing things that matter? And for that, I’ve yearned to be part of something big, to lose myself in something that consumes, something that matters not to anyone about myself. Something I could actually invest my time to and be great at it. Something I could put my mind and soul into and work my heart out to. And, for so long I have waited for that and sometimes one could just only take as much patience in things and I admit I’m starting to get a little impatient. And every single time I feel such way, I somehow blame myself for being so inert and unreceptive. I blame myself so much that I somehow managed to create a mechanism of defence against my thought just because my ego could not take it. Thus, my acceptance of my being passive and unaggressive.

However, though, in this past days something quite unusual happened that somehow rejuvenated me like an electric shock that brought me into life. I have been sleeping under the water and somehow something had pulled me from my reverie making me see this thing about me in a different light. Making me realize that maybe it’s not how passive I am about life but it’s, rather, how life seems passive for me. It’s not about me not knowing what I want, it’s just that I’ve never really wanted something in my life so bad. There’s nothing in my life right now, that entices me and inspires me. I’m like living such a lifeless life and it’s either I do something about it or life should actually and really start happening to me. I mean, I know I’m the only one who has perfect control of everything in my life but I’m guessing that’s just not always the case. It’s like the Newton’s Law of Motion. I need something or someone who would push or pull me so I can go on a certain motion. I need that force! And, right now, there’s just nothing. I have been feeling so numb and invisible like things could get in and out through me. Every day, I feel less and less human. And I badly need a reminder that I AM; that I can feel, I can think and I can act in my own will, driven by my own passion and desire.

I’m tired feeling so dull and lifeless. It’s not a very good thing to feel like as if I’m just wasting my time and that I’m not actually living a life. That I just exist for the sole purpose of JUST existing.

Another year, another start… another chance to take a refresher in life… a chance to look back and gauge those 365 days I have lived in the past year. Did I change? Was I different? Am I better? Or did I spiral down to worst? Have I learned something? Did I grow a little? (Well, that part I don’t really need to ponder about). There are so many questions about this season, all needing just but one answer.

It’s hard to sum up how I did for the past year. Well, for starter, I’m still working at the same Company I have been in since the last last year of October and I guess I can say I have, pretty much, used and exhausted every single internal resources in my body trying to keep up with the pressures that come with it. I have dealt with things that I never thought I would ever have to deal with at such a young age. I have been put to situations I have no idea what to do about but still managed to get my way out of it. 2014 has been a very challenging and an “eye-opening” year for me, professionally. There were several tough times that I had to go through and I did get through, so that I am very much happy about. I have an awesome workmates who never fails to make me feel good about myself! I get surprised by the trust they are giving me and it just makes me want to have them unregretful about it. It’s a bit mind blowing! In fact, sometimes I wonder how they see me ‘cause from the way I am seeing myself… I am nothing like the person they’re making me feel like with all the trust and everything. I never feel like I’m doing great about my job but somehow they make me feel otherwise. It’s awesome and I am whole heatedly grateful about it. I can say I have learned a lot from my job and I’m glad that I’m still learning a lot from it!

Secondly, as I have established my fulfillment at the professional aspect of my life, I guess I could say the same for the social aspect. I’m still keeping the company of my long-time friends, way back from my school days. But I might be running a little low on meeting new ones tho! Nevertheless, my old friends can surely measure to the excitement just the same. We meet constantly, endlessly sharing booze and never ending stories of the past. We travel! Yes, we did! Quite an achievement actually, for me and my friends, being a city away is hardly a thing but last year we manage to cross a vast sea and spend a day in an island. So it was great! It gives me the notion that we are GROWING and we are expanding our limits when it comes to hanging out. It has always been and always will be a fun time with them! Even with my friends that I don’t get to be with anymore but constantly talking to me, chatting, messing around on line. I know we still have it! Some may be miles away but we keep in touch.

Thirdly, my family! There’s nothing really much I can say about them ‘cause they are just infinitely the best at everything! And that fact never changes… I take pride on my family and I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! I can only wish but one thing for them… and that would be more years to come to all of us together.

Lastly, MYSELF… Well, right now I can say I‘m more aware about me. I get less confuse about stuffs that’s going on tho I still don’t have that much figured out about my life. What I want? How I get it? What am I supposed to do? I have no freaking idea. Right now I’m just going with the flow but it’s frightening once in a while ‘cause I feel like I’m wasting time and that I might run out of opportunities to be what I want to be by the time that I realized what I want to be. If life could just come with a manual on how to live it then it would be easy. But then again, I thought, what is life in that? I guess it’s just the normal fear of the future that comes to people. I mean, who wouldn’t want to live their lives with a certainty that what they are doing is right? That’s what I want! I want to find the right place for me at the right time and I’ll be doing the right thing. Like I usually say, there’s nothing I yearn for but to feel intensely passionately and lustful about life… to be part of something big and get lost in it… to do something and be the greatest at it. I see it would be really awesome if I do. My life would go from pitch black to sparkling rainbows by then and it would be amazing!

Yours Tonight by The 88

If I could, I'd probably have The 88 singing live on my wedding day... in the future.

Their song No One Here is my top favorite and now I've just gone to appreciate another of theirs. If I imagine myself dancing with my person in No One Here; this song makes me think of my walk, down the aisle to the promise of my forever.

Happy thoughts... this song gives me nothing but happy thoughts.