Solitude

You're the one who is hurting, but why am I the one who is crying?

Stay in love with him, or stay away from him?

Time moves differently for each person. Mine stopped moving a long time ago.

A few hours before I left for Japan, you asked me my flight schedule. I told you the time, wanting to ask you if you wanted to bring me to the airport. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to assume and hope. And just when I was about to leave, you told me you were thinking of bringing me to the airport at 4am. Only that you didn’t think you’d be still awake by then… I felt as if I lost a chance to see you after a long, long time. But if you ever appeared on my doorstep to bring me to the airport, I might not have wanted to leave. I’d rather spend a few hours with you than go for a week of vacation. I know. My heart is that stupidly in love with you.

Tomorrow's My Birthday

A couple of days ago, you called me. After you said, ‘hello,’ I heard a guitar being played. I thought I was on hold, so I patiently waited for you to come back on the line. When you spoke once again, asking me why I was quiet, the music stayed on, and I was baffled. Then you told me that you were playing the guitar, for me. I could only laugh feebly…I knew I was about to get my heart broken, for the nth time. And I was right. Worse, you once again indirectly accused me of being in love with you. Your words pierced my heart and I suddenly wished for my sighs to become daggers pointed at you.

It has almost been a year since I last posted anything on my blog. Not that I didn’t have something to say, I had a lot, but my mind was in constant chaos and my heart was in shambles. You see, I was trying to forget you. For months, I didn’t bother you but it seemed like you forgot about me, too. So, I tried to heal my heart, once again, and just when I was almost over you, you called. And you came running back, to seek counsel…to find solace. I didn’t want to answer your call, but I could never turn you away. You are my friend, after all. So, even if I knew the reason you called, I answered. I patiently listened to your tales of broken heart, again and again, tenderly giving you advice and uplifting your spirit…all the while my heart was being shattered into a million pieces more. And it’ll be soon almost a year since then. But nothing has changed. You still run to me every time you’re in pain and disappear whenever you’re happy in love. It has always been like that for the past 4 years. You never learn your lesson…and I never learn mine.

The last time you called me, you sang songs over the phone. Three, four songs. About love and heartaches. You said, that’s the way you woo a girl; only that you were practicing your tactics on me. And I could only laugh emptily in response. If I were some delusional girl, I’d say, you were trying to woo me, for real. But my sane heart knows the truth, and who you’re truly singing for..and it isn’t for me, nor will it ever be.

For the 4th straight time, you didn’t show up. For my birthday dinner. To say that I was hurt is an understatement. To realize that I matter not even one tiny bit shattered my spirit and deflated my already inexistent sense of self-worth. Of course, I was never anything to you. And I blame myself for believing I was at the very least, your friend. I was wrong.

Counting Game