I am become {n+1}

Today I went to the 30th Anniversary Berserk Exhibition in Hirakata Park. Im planning on making a longer post with some photos and some other things to talk about the exhibit as a whole (spoiler: it was awesome).

The exhibit was about 20% elaborate plastic models and replicas (which we were allowed to photograph) and 80% original manga panel drawings (which we were not allowed to photograph). Seeing the original panels in person was amazing, and also quite surprising.

The main thing that surprised me was the number of materials used. Miura is known for his beautiful, dynamic art, but it was only upon seeing it in person that the creation of these pieces went far beyond just drawing something well or creatively. Black and white ink was utilized, as well as white out and deleter sheets. He also used large, thick black pens, graphite pencil (especially when drawing Griffith, who appeared to be uninked in several final versions to give him that ethereal, angelic quality), and a number of different sizes of pen, even when drawing a single figure. His drawings werent just linework-- it was highly textured. One of the most brilliant things he did was use ink splatter-- which, in person, you can clearly see is literally just ink splattered from a pen-- in order to project an image of something being dirty or chaotic, such as in fight or battle scenes.

Its a whole ecosystem in there, is what I’m trying to say. 

This all begins to change though some time after the eclipse, right around the end of the Conviction Arc. 

Now, this is just my personal opinion but, after the Conviction Arc it always felt like the story sort of... fell off. It wasnt that it god bad, but there was just something that wasnt the same. It began to feel less like an earth shattering fantasy epic and more like... just a regular anime.

Many people attributed this to Miura growing older, his interests shifting, or studio pressure. I, however, have a different theory-- I believe it was due to the shift in digital art.

You can see in the artwork once Miura begins to do more digital rather than analog pieces that there is a certain degree of restraint which  you dont find it earlier works. Character linework becomes crisp and defined. Miura’s dynamic cross hatching is replaced with more standard shading techniques. You can see this in the manga too, but when faced with it in person the difference is incredibly striking.

ANALOG

DIGITAL

I had believed for a long time that maybe his style was just changing. He just had different interests. Then, however, I got to the end where they had an interview with him, filmed a few months before his death. 

In the interview they ask him if he prefers digital or analog art, and he has a very surprising answer. I was not allowed to record, so I cant say it in entirety, but he is very eager to descibe analog drawing as “like calligraphy”. 

As he describes his process in analog drawing, he mentions several times that it is a process that relies almost entirely on creative flow. You begin a piece with an idea, and then let the pen and page carry you to the final work. He describes how it was “extremely fun, but difficult for others” because when drawing analog, he may decide to change a scene entirely or a perspective. It was an organic process.

Digital, however, he describes as “synthesizing”-- he seems to enjoy doing digital work, but he mentions how it gives you the ability to go into very deep detail. It allows you to plan out your work, change it and mold it. It also allows you to work more closely with others, delivering a cleaner yet more studied product.

He did not state a preference. Perhaps he never had a preference.

But after watching that interview and looking at the work in the hall, I began to wonder about the story of Berserk. How it began to feel formulaic and somewhat dry. It was less dark and dreary of course, but it also just didnt seem to flow the same way that it had before. 

It is only a theory. It can only be a theory I guess, I doubt even Miura himself would know if he could say. But after seeing what I saw, I now attribute this to the shift to digital. Once the work became digital, it stopped being just an exercise in free flowing creativity, and instead became something synthesized, planned, and heavily managed. 

Earlier panels in Berserk may not look as polished. They have a chaos to them that can sometimes make it hard to follow with your eyes, and the amount of black, dark ink used fills the page to sometimes make things near unrecognizable. 

But... I dont know. I think that’s sort of a part of the whole thing. Miura was a visual story teller first and foremost. Moving to digital-- in my opinion-- removed much of that artistic agency and creative flow, and for that-- again, in my opinion-- the story (and the art) suffered.

I grew up with money. Not *estate* money, but money. I grew up with privilege. I grew up an only child in a white family with 10,000 toys and infinite praise and adoration. "You'll do great things" and "You're so special" and "They're just jealous of you."

When I was in middle school I began to abruptly learn I was not actually special. Lots of people didn't like me, because I assumed superiority to them. I never bullied, I was too fragile-- after the initial shock of rejection my self esteem plummeted. I didn't have the courage to be a bully, but I certainly thought mean things. Cruel, jealous, awful things.

My parents loved me, but growing up, I've learned they were bad people. They fought often. I was terrified of them. I listened to my father scream racist slurs at a man who owed him money. I watched my family abandon and abuse my cousin because of her learning disability. Watched another cousin abuse her pets. Watch my mother convince herself she does good at her job while she helps the wealthiest people launder their money through 'charity' and false pretense and politics. I hated it, hated my family, but I was too much of a coward to do anything. Still am.

When I was 16 I met a girl. She was very similar to me, but almost opposites in other ways. She was beautiful in the way I wanted to be beautiful: middle eastern, dark hair and features, big beautiful eyes. She was smart, later on went to an Ivy while I failed out of a low rank state school. And worst of all, she was *kind*. She wants pretentious, even though she had every right to be. She worked hard. She treated people well, even me.

Everyone loved her. *I* loved her, though I couldn't understand that at the time (I was very gay and, brilliantly, wonderfully homophobic).

And when I was 16 and a half I got horrifically drunk on a trip with my friends, and her, and I lost my mind. I threatened to kill myself. I had to be restrained. My self hatred had metastisized.

I wasn't the only cruel one-- my "friends" pushed me away for my breakdown, called me crazy. A year later I would finally be able to socialize with them again, only to end up publicly raped for the amusement of my peers. It was a lot. Broke me, in all sorts of ways. But, you know, life isn't a book. I know I'm not just a villain, nor just a victim. No bit a hero, but at least by now I've attained a bit of quiet neutrality.

Anyway. I guess I just find it funny. It took me years to identify why I loved Drarry stories so much. I don't even like Harry Potter， barely finished the books, can't stand the films. Couldn't even read them as a kid because I was too "triggered" by how heavily I related to the Dursleys, the Malfoys, the villains-- big and ugly and selfish.

Now though, at 30, things are becoming a bit more clear. It's me. I'm not as pretty as people write Draco, and that girl from school is a little less heroic than Harry (though not by much). But these stories are, to me, stories of my life-- if everything had worked out. If it had come together. If I had done something better, if she had noticed me more, if I hadn't lost my mind that night, if if if

Along with developing a deep love of these stories, I still wonder about her. Often. Too often, really. I haven't seen her in years, but I have her on social media, check her stories, get excited when she checks mine. Have spent many a night writing something out to her only never to send it.