AsJay Poetry

My mind has been numb of late Not much could quite escape Resorted to all these headaches As my silence sealed its fate

Man it was a difficult year One full of thoughts and tears None of joy but all of fear Of the loneliness I had to bear

Last Valentine’s I had no one I lost my world amongst the sun I can still hear the things I heard Every syllable of every word

It hurt like my knees got grazed From falling in the swirling maze I was dropped in my glory days Then found out I was replaced

Gave myself and all my attention Chose to be there through the tension And what did I get in return? Life lessons and some burns

It’s strange how it's times like these When you’re down on your knees Are the parts that slap after the fact And when hindsight is a lucid attack

I wanted to perish from this earth So many times I questioned my worth Little said when I was shattered Yet still I woke up like it mattered

Had to grip onto this metaphor To feel alive like never before The wisteria was the only hand I held onto while in quicksand

I lost grip and fell again Got back to feeling insane Questions asked if I’m okay Oh the honesty I want to say

But the simple answer would be no I don’t know whether to stay or go Cos no one’s really goin’ to know When I’m never truly able to show

That each time I close my eyes I wake in a dream as if I’ve died To feel like I’m right in the stars In a place that I’m free of scars

Or my emotions when I need a hug When my grave’s already been dug But it is what it is, it’ll be alright At the end of the day it’ll be night

The moment when I break into Pieces but I won’t complain n’ use It as an excuse I usually wouldn’t Society tells me that I shouldn’t

You were the hope I needed The pride that I used to bleed The truest one I had feelings for What you left me was a meteor

Though all in all, I’m thankful for you But I won’t be after any deja vu Losing you carved me out n’ bruised You were the thing I was afraid to lose

Now I can only wish you the best With whatever’s left within my chest Despite the memories and all I know It’s time for me to let you go

A year that started with belief Turned into one dipped with grief I don't want to say goodbye to you But this situation might force me to

I open my eyelids in the dark To the distant song from a lark I wonder if today’s the day I wipe my tears or if they’ll stay

Do you ever look at the stars And see how inviting they are Sense the freedom that you’d feel And wonder if your life is real

I see myself gliding up high It’s sad ‘cos I don’t wanna die But I ain’t keen on living also Like a satellite within the Cosmo

The noise in my head is so morbid So is the silence I say as I hid That I’ve been dying in every smile It’s been this way for quite a while

I lost my angel as a result Of silence and it was my fault If only I told ‘em so they knew Exactly what I was going through

It was a world I found in their eyes The vivid imagery ‘n painted skies Like a carpet pulled from my feet I’m losing grip of my map’s heartbeat

Just like the leaves I'm dead inside Fallin’ through hell via a spiral slide I may well push up daisies soon In craters of the soil like on the moon

From this high up Earth is pretty Stunning even that’s why it’s a pity That I’m back at square one again Feeling alienated and inhumane

I’ll put on this mask ‘n won’t complain About the truth I can't refrain In my brain with all the things I miss It's just another day in the abyss

I don’t know who I am anymore I’ve become somebody unknown My mirror doesn’t reflect the man The man that I always thought I am

Been dealing with crap for a while now Thoughts so dark I need light somehow I say nothing so I don’t seem weak But my hollow frame feels like it creaks

Screaming on the inside as I fake a smile My first impressions go the mile Laughter is a distraction from when I Lay here and think ‘bout when I die

The nights are silent and oh so piercin’ But how my mind can be so fearsome It’s like my brain has been held ransom By the void created by a phantom

Almost thirty with so much to do So little achieved in this life that flew Stressed from all this mounting pressure All that I don’t have makes me lesser

Of a man that I already feel Part of me wants to sit back and keel Over I have a cry before I sleep Nobody sees the tears I weep

I’ve died in every dream I’ve had For weeks and now it makes me sad What kind of hope is that ‘sposed to give When I struggle for reasons to even live

I see myself lookin’ back at the world From deep in the galaxy that’s so swirled How free I’d be from everything That I’m here finding so questioning

Why would you care or even worry? I just stare into an empty quarry I feel myself be so disembodied Don’t try to help just know I’m sorry

For preaching I don’t usually do This but I seek a breakthrough I just want to be myself again And be free from this endless pain

Each time I wake in the morning I sense that I’m still in mourning For the person that I used to be Back whenever I felt happy

My mind’s been active At night like usual The only thing proactive Is my brain’s own ritual

I can’t shake the thought That comes so vivid But eventuates to naught That’s left me so livid

I felt quite delighted For a moment excited Like a family reunited Only to be not uninvited

As if I’m a no one In a corner found but lost You think you know some Body but at what cost

It’s a price you pay When you’re this way In this place I’ll stay Don’t worry I’m okay

Our families were close Now we live a bit far Just down the coast Two hours in a car

I can forget n’ forgive Something I’m used to This is the life I live In every breath I consume

Rain rain, go away Can you leave me alone today? From my tear duct down my cheeks Some warm sunshine is all I seek

It’s funny how time seems to go fast As the fun memories fade into the past Though as unpredictable as the weather You can’t stop it or even tether

I took a deep breath this morning Suddenly without a warning It was hard to stand upright As if my thoughts were about to ignite

Isn’t it strange how emotions Are rough like waves in the ocean With a firm intense grip on your palm The next minute they’re totally calm

Some nights I stare into space Until I notice a tear down my face Thinkin’ ‘bout people I miss dearly That for me is a sign that I’m lonely

Sometimes I sit and thoughts cram I wish I knew how abnormal I am Back when I wished to be old Now I just want somebody to hold

At the moment it feels like times When I blinked and I was confined Came far too earlier than expected Somehow I just had to accept it

Like when August felt like New Year’s I knew I had no more fears I recharged my system’s batteries And shrugged off all the memories

I sit here looking out the window I can’t help but feel I’m in limbo As the seabirds migrate again And the storm starts in my brain

People come and then they go But it's how some let you know You start to think of their value And whether you mattered to

Them as their words become rotten And you're now one they've forgotten The past is a course of nature But you can change your future

Every morning that I wake I feel myself begin to break As my frame starts to shake Unsure how much of it I can take

I don’t understand why I exist Who I am and if I’m to persist I could go ahead and write a list Of all the reasons I shouldn’t resist

I don’t say much but I have heard All this hatred and every word To the point, my mind has blurred Resulting in thoughts being stirred

Unsure why I’m the subject of hate Especially when I don’t instigate There’s already enough on my plate Without the envy that it penetrates

“Why do you always fake autism?” I’m told to die along with my egotism As if you knew what kind of mission My brain goes on to get recognition

“Listen to opinions of those who matter” Even when I feel like I’m ‘bout to shatter? Each time you talk you plant a sunflower But I really don’t think I have the power

In me when I’m in a scope Spinning ‘round like a kaleidoscope The target’s locked on my forehead Striking me down with their warhead

I have this compromise When I live inside a disguise If you looked into my eyes I say “I’m okay” while telling lies

A lethal dart straight to the heart At six feet under I’d play the part? Weights on my shoulders are heavy Invisibility is what I felt already

I find myself looking at the ceiling My go to place within this feeling The kind that says enough is enough The final straw this ain’t no bluff

Spent a bit to observe n’ sit It’s about time I spoke up a bit In case my monotone voice has disputed Testing testing this mic’s been muted

Typical me to grab the attention The ignorance of some rises the tension It’s amazing what I see through these eyes The discouragement takes me by surprise

I know I ask too many questions But the answers are too damn congesting Why does everything need to be complex For those that take me out of context

I feel like a bird in an aviary Do you know the kind of bravery It takes for me to greet a person When ignored the regrets are cursin’

Honestly speaking I have the stealth But I’m concerned ‘bout my mental health Cos why do so many treat me distinct? And disappear as if I blinked?

I shouldn’t have to sit and wallow My Easter eggs aren’t the only things hollow If you really gave a shit about me Can you talk to me straight and honestly?

Why do you care and why do I matter? Why do I feel like I’m about to shatter? Am I too easy for you to erase? Before you ghost me, say it to my face

How do I make you intimidated? I’m used to this so I can take it Just laying here in my own little puddle From tears in my eyes as I try to huddle

I’m tired but not sleepy My eyes are feeling a little weepy There’s so many things I question My mind has been here suggesting

I’m tired of being that one person The kind that feels like a burden To everyone and everything That feels ignored like I’m nothing

I’m tired of having this dark cloud Over my head and ears so loud The indifference is so complexing As if my muscles aren’t even flexing

I’m tired of regretting having a say Of expressing my words in this way The fact I’ve had to write a poem And having it go so unknown

I’m tired of even greeting others Cos I know I shouldn’t bother I’m now aware I’m invisible And only seen in a crystal ball

I’m tired of pleading you to listen To me when I have a question I’m tired of having to voice this When I know no one’s gonna notice

I’m tired of feeling so expired I never desired to be so fired I wish I had a pair of pliers My brain is fried and eyes are wired

There's something about being awake at night Watching cars passing below street lights When the moon is out, it's full and bright That makes my mind go on quite a riot

Even in the light of day The darkness doesn't stay away It's only then when I realise How I'm better with a disguise

I know that I've gone unnoticed Like a spell said hocus pocus Like in autumn I’m the died off lotus I guess I'll only ruin one's focus

If only I could spread my wings Like a puppeteer moving strings In the only place I'd feel accepted As life is not what I expected

With every car that passes by Comes a teardrop to my eye But no one sees this side that I Hide from sight cos I know that my

Emotions don't matter to anyone I don't understand what I have done I'm here screaming, can't you see? Or are you looking straight through me?

Even with blood in my veins I feel like I'm only a stain Like bird shit on a large window That does nothing but cast a shadow

My mind's been flowing So here I go Speaking emotions I cannot show

I don't like liars So I'll be honest Like loose flyers In wind that's modest

I've shed some tears From my eyes I feel the fears In my cries

I’m dealing with grief Of a loss I can’t withstand And the disbelief That I don’t understand

Nobody can see When I'm in pain Though I know he'll be In my thoughts again

I'm too good at hiding As if scars have healed On this journey I'm riding They're all concealed

My smile screams hurt The laugh is sorrow My hands have dirt And they will tomorrow

Feeling lost Even invisible But at what cost Maybe this is all

It takes to know That I’m not okay Don’t know if I should go Or if I should stay

It didn’t take long to bring me back To the brink of another attack I’m about to majorly snap I’m so fed up with this Discord app

And some of the people that use Their way to come at me and abuse Myself with hatred without a reason Another time they lacked cohesion

Apparently I’m an arrogant dick While you’re a fly I can simply flick Out of my face but you always return Shut the ish up now it’s my turn

I warned you not to do this again Your blunt shot had a pointless aim One more barrel that’s a casting subject To eliminate this lasting object

I want to make this very clear There won’t be anything left to spear After I’m done you will no longer matter My memory of you will simply splatter

Now I know you have outstanding hate For me and the habit to instigate A response from me when you have a grudge Like a funnel web with the slightest nudge

Damn you got me so deflated But these thoughts have all just waited To be written down on this paper To stab you in the back like a stapler

These shots fired were the latter Quit putting these phrases on a platter Make sure they penetrate and ricochet Around your head now go away

This ain’t no ceasefire that I desire If they inspire to light these fire I won’t let your incentives defeat Me when I’m standing on two feet

I have a pencil, concealed with camo Filled up with phrases, as if they’re ammo I only need to, pull down the hammer Hear that chi-chi, don’t mean to stammer

Triggered me once then triggered me twice Thought you'd get away with doing it thrice There goes one two three and four To put these peeps beneath the floor

At long range I’ve shot the bullets I’m ‘bout to take it to the fullest Oopsie daisy I think I misfired I got more targets than I desired

Flowing out like the river that Jordan Spat out when ice was shore thin To remind you, I’m an iceberg within You won’t hurt me, I’m too thick-skinned

They dug a trench deep like the Mariana Deep down inside my ear’s cochlea Calling me up to cry in the morning You could’ve at least given me a warning

With a neck constricted by a boa Saying shit makes no sense, no uh I don’t speak stupid like your species No wonder your breath smells like faeces

Now and Wendy you seem to see Quite a lot while staring at me It’s like you want to be at my level You’re like five one you’ll need a stall

You look up to me goodness gracious But your voice is so damn contagious You’re like an illness that gently wafts Now you’re too close, can you far cough?

Heads the equivalence of peanut shells Empty of course if you couldn’t tell The amount of you that say to relax It's not my ability to sit still that lacks

So what’s crawled up your asses and died? Maybe a beetle that’s now unidentified Like the brain inside your heads I had these receipts so I wouldn’t forget

I was hidden once, now back for thirds I’ve just cleared out four people with words Oh my shit, I have to run Not that I care ‘bout what I’ve done

I wasn’t going to write this but Thoughts walked in with a bit of a strut Thinking back to some weeks ago When I was the magma about to blow

Barely anyone knows except a few That I emptied everything I knew Met an angel in the depths of hell And made my brain begin to swell

It felt lonely when I had to lie About being okay but wanting to die At times like these I have to strive To feel how it feels to be alive

I got to my lowest since twenty-fifteen All I wanted was some caffeine Opened the door of a fridge freezer To give my taste buds that liquid pleaser

Fully aware of what it does I wanted to feel the intense buzz To see the light like fireflies As I reached out for help I realised

My growing silence was my enemy but No one knew my mouth was shut My trust in people was chard and burnt That was the point I rose and learnt

I decided to not take any more shit Hate gives the fuel to the fire it lits I’m only left with a positive mind The negative has been left behind

I’m not made of steel or armour But I know that I came out stronger Than ever before now no one will stop Me from saying the truth in poems I drop

I’m glad I have finally spoken After the nightmare I have woken My feet are firmly back on Earth With all my values and all my worth

This past week has been the worst One I’ve lived for a while At any time my head could burst Though quietly I let it pile

I first marked the decade Of when the ground beneath raged The emotions have just stayed So did the silence that engaged

At night I can’t even sleep Without crying right before so The internal tears that I weep That fill my empty hollow

I feel so alone n’ solemn It’s like I’m being ignored Now that I’ve reached rock bottom Where's the people I’m there for?

There may not be an ‘I’ in team But there’s definitely one in sin I’m tearing at every seam And all the cells in my skin

They’re held onto like a hoarder Like history repeating my past I’m a step away from the border Line that’ll likely be my last

Referenced from my poem Freedom How alone in the world I sensed That’s what I felt like back then Instead of being a nuisance

It’s amazing how a week can throw Everything into the air Am I meant to go with the flow Even when it feels unfair?

They say to make the most of life So I hope this won’t disappoint Y’know the difference with me and a knife? Simply the knife has a point

Have you ever felt such disconnection To realise you’re staring at your reflection? Felt invisible that your mind’s concluded “You’re an alien, on Earth you’ve intruded”?

If so then we’re in the same rocket Going so fast I can’t feel my sockets I’ve wondered why my chest feels hollow It’s empty enough to call it Apollo

Right now I know the moon is risin’ While the sun sets on the opposite horizon The moon’s so red I sense it’s a lunar Eclipse that could’ve come sooner

Everything is better when it’s red Unlike the thoughts that roam my head Haunted by things that I should’ve Done at times when I knew I couldn’t

Behave like I wanted and be like a kid Instead I was timid and had to forbid Now I know what was holding me back But all my brain does is sit and hijack

I know not many actually care About me so, why am I here? Feeling so damn unidentified There’s a reason why I wrote Pesticide

Now if you’re going to say you know How I feel just know that you don’t I lay here still nothing but silent Wondering how my brain’s so violent

Sit back and relax I’m about to go off Grab a gas mask in case I cough This is for those that want to talk shit About me so they will not forget

I am tired and I am lost When cold opinions form a frost “You should go die you pollute the air” So does your ass and that’s still here

I’ll admit I can see my skeleton Laying still with limbs like gelatine Six feet underneath the ground Because of words that weigh me down

If only you knew how life was like How I’ve thought of taking a hike What it’s like to feel pathetic For having a brain that feels prosthetic

The constant worry of being too much To handle like a manual’s clutch The fact that you don’t have to think “Why am I flawed for being autistic?”

I only want to be understood Accepted too just like I should How many times do I have to demand For people to see and understand?

So maybe the best thing I can do Is be that fly that people shoo But instead I’ll be the mosquito Falsely hidden like I’m incognito

If you want to spit your insults Good luck dealing with the results You don’t know me or fit my skin Or seen the scars that lay within

“Be like a sunflower n’ look at the sun” “Stand up tall like a really strong one” Said the one who gets it n’ knows Just how to fully describe a rose

So think about the things you say Before you speak like the other day Get inside when the sky rains acid Burning your ego while it’s at it

One thing left for me to embrace Since you can’t diss towards my face Shove your words back down your throat And listen to this and take note

Sitting here like I usually am Watching cars as they go by Loneliness has set in again This is the only time I’ll cry

I should’ve dreamt to be a builder My walls are built up higher All my senses start to bewilder As my soul’s pierced by the wire

Bleeding out nothing but red Who will be the first to notice The fact that I’m now infrared Everyone’s just like a lotus

Invisible like I already was Got nothing but a subtle applause Standing here but no one knows As if I’m clutching at straws

The only time people will see And know where I’m at Is when I’m no longer unhappy And when the line goes flat