IamAshleyo

I have grown to have an appreciation for short poems that make me think, which the site Pet Murmur does very well.On the Pet murmur poetry site, there were two poems that stood out to me the most on the Confessional Poetry page, The Act of Contrition and No Other Gods. The poems are set apart from the rest and judging from the titles alone, they are personal confessions of a more spiritual, religious theme. The photo on the page shows a little girl getting ready for what appears to be either a baptism or communion.

 In The Act of Contrition, the writer discusses a lesson she learned as a child, that there are some things you must never say, certain sins you can never confess. Some things so forbidden, you will never be forgiven. The writer has things hidden within them from the past that they feel are so sinful that they must not even confess it to another person. They are punishing themselves for something they did as a child, or something that occurred when they were a child. The poem concludes with this statement,After that, living is just an act of Contrition. Contrition is the state of feeling remorseful, a feeling of deep regret of wrongdoings.The author either has  not released their pain or they have released their pain in confession, but still lives with remorse. The writer uses free verse style of writing to tell their story. They create a feeling of suspense, since we are still not certain what the writer has experienced. The reader just knows that the writer is stating an emotion of deep regret in a very straight forward way, and does not use rhyming or any special language for the poem.

The next poem No Other Gods, continues with the same themes of spirituality, and past pain, only this poem tells more of a story about a particular incident.The poem is describing a sinful incident that happened with the writer at the age of 11, and a man. The writer is describing some form of abuse, either sexual or physical. Overall, the poem is describing the end of the writers innocence. The incident took the writer to a dark place.She states, Then infinite silence and a darkness where God cannot go. Darkness, in this particular situation is pain, regret and anger, all things that God cannot personally experience, although he feels empathy for us. The writer has been scarred very deeply by the situation. The poem concludes stating,Afterwards, they took me to Disney World, but I was no longer a child of God. The writer of the poem, is blaming them self for what occurred or feeling that nothing can heal them emotionally from what happened. The reference to Disney world was a great touch, because Disney World is a carefree place for children to enjoy, but the writer does not feel like a child anymore, and sees things with new eyes, matured eyes. 

I previously expressed my weight and the decision to undergo weight loss surgery. I had the procedure done just 5 days ago, and I am so surprised by how I feel. I expected to feel extreme pain and their are points in the day when I need to slow down and rest my body, but overall I’m feeling good. I feared I might have a horror story, where I would have some sort of malpractice or like the movie Awake, I would have suffered from Anesthesia Awareness, which means I would not completely be unconscious during surgery. Thank God I did not have any of those experiences. 

After reading Roxanne Gays Unruly Bodies, I wasn’t sure what to expect. She documented her entire experience while going through this procedure. It appears that this surgery has affected every person differently. She said that she felt pain until she received pain meds, whereas I just endured a slight feeling of weakness and low levels of pain. Most women agree that this surgery is not very painful, but can be if they don’t follow the rules. For me, this surgery was kind of a last resort, so I made it my business to follow doctors orders.

I was very close to giving up on my weight and just remaining my heavy, unhappy self. But after watching a close friends experience and how she transformed into a happier, healthier version of herself, I felt encouraged to learn more about this procedure. I studied the surgery, spoke to others who had the surgery and went through months of questioning specialists. I knew this was the way for me to go.

As a woman of color, my experiences as a Black person largely attributes to who I am in the world. I am convinced that when people see me, the first thing they notice is that I am Black. In the eyes of other people, being Black is paired with a large number of preconceived notions and discriminatory thoughts. I am fortunate to say that I have not really encountered many racist situations. However, many friends, family members and co-workers have expressed to me their personal encounters with racist individuals, which makes me able to empathize with these issues. Being Black in America comes with a lot of responsibility, and how we choose to present ourselves to the world can influence the response we receive.

 Black Men in Public Spaces, by Brent Staples, describes the discriminatory reactions he receives from people when he steps out in the world. As a black male, over 6 feet tall, in casual clothing, that alone has been deemed a threatening and dangerous description of someone who should be feared. Sadly, it is often assumed that this sort of individual is a criminal, a threat. He explains that after experiencing close encounters with police, woman running away from him in fear, and other  race driven situations, he has begun to hide behind a less intimidating image. Staples says, To make myself less threatening… I move about with care, particularly in the late evenings. I have exchanged business clothes for jeans… I employ what has proved to be an excellent tension-reducing measure: I whistle melodies from popular classical composers. He has forced himself to go to great lengths in order to appear less minatory. It’s so sad that a man who is nothing like he is perceived to be, has to cover up who he is just to be visually pleasing to the world around him. 

Unfortunately, for Mr. Staples and all Black men, this preconceived notion of who they are, was developed many years earlier in America. After watching the film, 13TH,  By Ava Duvernay, I have learned that during the post Civil War era, when slaves were set free, many former slave owners wanted to develop a tactic for Black people, particularly men to still be treated as though they were slaves. They developed imagery in films, posters, and newspapers that began to associate criminal acts and violence with Black men. Films showcased white actors in Blackface, projecting false portrayals of Black men, raping, killing and stealing for sport. This had an extreme effect on the country, leading most Whites to associate crime with black. Many Black men were arrested, often times wrongfully accused for crimes they didn’t commit, ultimately making prison equivalent to slavery. This created the fearful, intimidating persona of a Black male in America, and it continues to remain alive in the minds of many, in today’s contemporary society.

Intersectionality or Intersectional theory expresses that people are often disadvantaged by multiple sources of oppression: their race, class, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, and other identity markers. When doing some research on this word, it always came back to Intersectional feminism. This term was coined by American professor Kimberlé Crenshaw, in the 1980’s. Crenshaw discussed Black feminism, arguing that the experience of being a black woman cannot be understood in terms of being black and of being a woman independently, but must include both because both experiences support one another. I believe many things play a part in a Black woman’s oppression; America’s social stratification system, which categorizes us by our wealth or lack thereof, adds greatly to the oppression of black women. 

The chart above shows where certain occupations and incomes fall on the social classes in the U.S. Most black women fall under the lower middle class, which puts us at a disadvantage. I like most African American women, currently fall under this category, making me vulnerable to the oppression that was described earlier. In America, the notion of being a black female is that we struggle financially, we are fatherless, we are from a particular under privileged neighborhood. Our abilities are often determined by our address. This is a form intersectionality, because even if that description doesn’t apply to every black woman, it has been assumed by others that this is our shared struggle. So to me, being black and female in America makes you vulnerable to this assumption.

Roxanne Gay developed an online project called Unruly Bodies, describing what it means to live her life as a full-figured person in America. Her experiences were so painful and emotional. Being a public figure, she was subjected to harsh critics and heartless comments, by fans. The pressure of societies standards of beauty, drove Gay to succumb to it, by undergoing weight loss surgery. This difficult experience was chronicled in her story as she details the steps needed to get the Vertical sleeve Gastrectomy procedure. It was not only painful for her physically, but mentally and emotionally. 

When I read this story, I appreciated her honest account of her experience as a larger person, or an unruly body. Unruly, is a term referring to something lacking control, in this case I felt she referred to her thoughts and her eating habits. The fact that she deemed herself unruly, shows that she wasn’t fully comfortable in her skin. Yet, she had a feeling that she would be letting down the plus sized community by getting the surgery. What I took mostly from this story, is that this is a genuine account of a human beings experience. 

At one point or another, we have all had insecurities that sprang from the world’s opinions. However, in Gay’s story, I feel the issues were a combination of a lack of self acceptance, and an issue with society’s judgement of individuals from the outer appearance. The statement she made about worrying that people would think she betrayed fat positivity, shows me that she somewhat took a liking to her “fat” self. But she also wrestled with the standards of beauty the world has. She admits that she cares too much about what people think, and she hates that she does, evidence of the internal conflicts we all face. 

I can relate to the dilemma Roxanne Gay was going through. I have been overweight for over 10 years, and it hasn’t been easy. The differences between us are, I was not full-figured my entire life. When I was about 16 years old, I experienced an extreme change in my appetite, increasing my desire to eat larger quantities of food. I was known for being petite and athletic my whole life prior to that. The rapid change, completely altered my physical appearance, a I became, morbidly obese. Over the last decade, I have struggled with my weight and I feel I haven’t felt quite like myself since this happened. I’ve been living inside of a full-figured shell.

I overheard a conversation 3 high school kids were having on the bus. One of the girls explained that she was having a dress made for her sweet 16, inspired by Beyonce’s 2017 Met Gala dress. This is the dress she was referring to: 

Just using Beyonce as an example, so Beehive, don’t get offended. The conversation I eavesdropped and others have me concerned with the Millennial generation and the generations to come, as they are constantly absorbed with pop culture. Technically, I and anyone over the age of 18 and no older than 34 can call themselves a millennial. However, social media was not apart of my daily life until I was 15 years old. The Myspace days. Currently, social media, and pop culture has a daily affect in the younger half of this generations lives.Children are using the internet practically out of the womb. It has impacted many areas of their lives, mostly in diction, self image and their aspirations.

Emojis, social media, direct messaging are all things that have made its way into pop culture and is used by Millennials, as a way of communicating. The words and phrases of today, have become shortened and harder to decipher. Films, television and even music videos project these images which in return, influences the young minds of the youth. The aftermath of this is the inability to write or properly hand write a letter, Essays in school are now filled with lol, smh, and omg, which is a heartbeat away from being in the dictionary. 

Is the Millennial generation becoming less innovative? Are we all for that matter? All I see are mini Nicki Minaj’s when I go out, lace front wigs people are going broke to have made, and an overall lack of originality. I see now more than ever before young women injecting garbage into their bodies to look like the celebrities they idolize. When in reality, these girls don’t realize these women don’t even look like that. It’s called air brushing and hours in a make up chair.

At one point or another, all people long for what they don’t obtain. With Youtube making every nonsensical thing worthy of fame, this only welcomes this impressionable generation, to think they can all reach the same level of fame, in ways that can lack hard work. Being envious to be just like their idols, they’ll do anything to be just like them, instead of being themselves. Like start fights in the street, or showcase their bodies in nearly there outfits, even worse things that I won’t name.  I know we are all guilty of following trends,however the previous generations didn’t have the internet and social media trolls to be pressured by, nor was endangering yourself the price of fame.

 I am Ashley Oliver and I was born and raised in Queens New York. I started college 3 years ago, in the hopes of finding myself and starting a career path that I would like. I have always had difficulties staying the course on anything I have attempted. Most of the jobs I’ve tried, I have never been able to stick with. I often feel that I have wasted valuable time in my life. I’ve been hoping from thing to thing and not enjoying my best years, but stressing during most of that time. 

 At 24, I decided to go to school after years of many dead end jobs, and after years of trying to figure out what direction to go in. I dropped out of high school after experiencing a dark period in my life during junior year, and I’ve been slowly putting the pieces together since then. Making such an impulsive move put me in an almost temporary paralysis, where I just watched others live out their lives and I simple had a front row seat for the show. (But things get better) 

What college has done for me is it’s shown me that I have potential to do better and that my past did not have to write my future. I did more than just make the grade, I exceeded my expectations. I aced my first year and every year since then. I made it a goal to do my best and I have made myself proud doing that and seeing something through for once. Excelling in writing particularly has shown me how much I like to write and that I can make something of it.